Excuse me. Do you need a pick-up?

My friend Martian, an astute thinker in these matters, posed some excellent questions about my recent advocacy of the PUA movement. Herewith my position on the matter.

As an introduction for the unfamiliar, courtesy Wikipedia: 

A pickup artist is a man perceived to be skilled in the art of finding, attracting, and seducing women by the seduction community. Such a man purportedly abides by a certain system deemed effective by that community in his attempts to seduce women.

The PUA phenomenon came to public view when Neil Strauss wrote and published his book "The Game" in 2005. The book is an embedded journalist's experience of starting as a newbie PUA, taking courses, being mentored and applying what he learned. Along the way we learn about some of the more famous characters who teach aspiring PUAs, and the somewhat seedy business of the same guys making money by doing so.

I say seedy because my biggest argument against the PUA movement is its chaotic commercial classlessness. Every website, every portal, every interaction appears to this man's eye as an attempt to sign me up for a class or otherwise take my money. Not only is it distasteful, but it smells like carnival barking.

And it shouldn't. Men seeking an advantage over other men in the quest for women is an ancient motivator. It's biological, too, if the animal world is any guide. Males of all mammalian and bird and I guess reptilian species attempt to out-do one another when trying to attract a mate. It's the National Geographic version of what in business we call competitive advantage. In fact, I'm made quizzical by the fact that humans are one of few species where males are notably less colourful/attractive than females. One wonders what behavioural, genetic or biological quirk caused that.

The distillation of PUA thinking is that ordinary males can attract women they thought previously unattainable. Small behavioural modifications and a big helping of self-confidence go a long way towards that goal. That's it. Yes, there's ego-driven showmanship involved; yes, it's clear some guys become obsessed (for a while at least); and no, it's not for everyone.

However, my support stems from the general idea that any kind of public discussion regarding how male/female interactions work is good. I'd hardly be able to think otherwise, given the six years and over 1,000 posts here. Not every idea out there is good, but sometimes we find horseshoes in horseshit. The way I view PUA adherents is that they have the same mindset distribution as the religious; a few are fervent and annoying devotees, and the rest pick and choose what works individually.

Despite those extremists, there are some genuinely good notions here. I hinted at self-confidence, which will help some guys. Ditto a little peacocking. Choosing a new way with opening lines can't hurt. And why not try a little hard-to-get play? You get the drift. If you're stuck in a rut unable to even start a conversation with women, surely changing your attitude is worth a shot. Having said that, I have no doubt that most PUA types pretty quickly return to being themselves, because the act is too hard to sustain. It's why I do not fear a nation of ego-centric trim-chasers - human nature is so biased against it over the longer term. (Most) guys really do want to settle down with one woman.

The PUA world will stand or fall on one simple idea: that if no woman ever reacts positively to a pick-up artist, then the argument for their methods evaporates. It's a supply and demand case. Each woman they approach will determine the outcome, which is exactly as it should be. If a woman chooses to shag a misogynistic and paternal butt-hole, that's entirely her business.

As long as these guys remain within the boundaries of both the law and morality, it remains rightly a private matter between consenting adults. Other elements in society might not like it, but that's too bad. No laws exist against foolishness or flawed thinking as far as I'm aware...yet.




Bottoms Up, Lady-Lifters.

The Dating Checklist

Gradually, it's becoming clearer to me that a wish list - a dating wish list - isn't as productive as I might have thought.

That mental checklist we all keep of the qualities and attributes of that special someone is normal and of some value, but we always need to be willing to toss it away. The very act of permitting ourselves to ignore our preconceived ideas of who is right and who is wrong for us is liberating. It's an acknowledgment of the fact that life is chaotic, and we never know who is just around the corner.

The idea of filtering people appeals to us because it cuts down on possibilities. When you're in the market for people, the choice is more-or-less infinite. It's more confusing than the cereal aisle at the supermarket, but even there knowing what you want should give way to the experience of finding something new. When you want granola and know it, that's a good thing - until you discover something better.

But finding the person who meshes perfectly (or as perfectly as possible) isn't so simple. For one thing, we are only rarely sufficiently self-aware to know how we fit with any random person. For another, life has a way of throwing stuff and people at us that we just didn't think existed. In essence, we all think that our brains and experience are all-encompassing, and that nothing can surprise us. That's a form of arrogance, and not good if you're truly open-minded about exploring every possibility offered up.




Bottoms Up, Open-Minders.

Your Fear of Rationality Makes Me Uncomfortable.

Is it possible that we've just gone too far? Have we invested our relationships with so much emotion that we've lost track of the purpose of dating and being with someone? What's going on here?

Like lots o' folks, I don't handle conflict particularly well, especially with the women, and more so when I'm "with" a woman. Painful as they are to face, breakups are moments of high stress, even if we're only a few dates in. However, why should it be a matter of tears or anger or recrimination or harsh words when the truth is spoken?:

Sorry, Lena, this just isn't working for me.

In the moment, I get that some emotion is right and fair. But that's why we date, to discover if there's more to "us" than a shared initial superficial attraction. When it becomes clear to one or the other things aren't working, the right/only/mandatory thing to do is to call "time" and do it in as nice a way as possible.


If you're on the receiving end of this, your job is to look beyond your emotion. When someone's being open and truthful, accept it as an act of real friendship. Only bums and losers continue on in something by pretending to themselves and others. False affection is the ultimate betrayal; another word for people like that is sociopath.

At root, this is about figuring out why we find ourselves in a place were emotion is the centre of all relationships. Look around: in boyfriend/girlfriend situations, in parent/child relationships, even at work, it's how you feel that counts. Of course, emotions are important, but should they supersede logic, intellect, practicality and clear-headedness?

I think not.

Fear, in my opinion, is the driver of all this reliance on the emotional response. We fear not ever finding the right person; we fear that the one we thought was the right person will leave; we fear how we look to the outside world. Of course, this more or less proves my point, because fear itself (in this sphere of thought) is the most irrational emotion, and allowing it to drive anything related to abstracts like relationships is the height of illogicality. We've translated fear of physical harm into fear of emotional harm - trust me, there's no bottom to our emotional pool. If you lose some emotion today, you can always turn on the spigot tomorrow.



Bottoms Up, Calm and Rational Exes.

How Good Is Your Meetability?

Meetability is my word for the combination of all your attractive qualities multiplied by how well you project them.

There are two kinds of Meetability:

Passive Meetability is the vibe you show the universe as an everyday matter, when you're not consciously trying to meet people.

Active Meetability is the style in which you actively engage folks, the interactive qualities you communicate to others.

The point of me pointing out Meetability is that you might be the most beautiful, gracious, thoughtful, sweet, loyal and good-humoured person in the world...but it all means zero if you can't find a way to get that message to others. And although I haven't given this acres of thought, I have an inkling that simple self-awareness of your Meetability level at any point will make a difference.

An example: When you're in that coffee line in the morning, take a small inward look. Are you dressed attractively? Groomed the way you like? Standing upright? Smiling? Thinking positively about the day ahead?

Picture yourself from the aspect of the people ahead and behind you in line. Would YOU like to talk to you? That's your Passive Meetability.

Now, if you decide to say "Good morning" to the person ahead of you in line, your Active Meetability will come to the fore. People naturally react well to eye-contact, calmness, and the ability to engage without distraction. When you say "Good morning", mean it, and then listen for the response. Meetability is about not just going through the motions.

Note: Don't think we have to apply some kind of universal standard here. If your idea of good grooming and sartorial splendor is post-work-out funk and an orangutan suit, that's cool. Meetability is whatever you decide is putting your best forward. You'll attract what you will. Artifice doesn't work in the long run.




Bottoms Up, Detached Self-Analyzers.

Two Chimps on a Davenport

I tried outrage once, and what a waste of time. It was a stretch of whatever emotion I was inflating, a complete push. I discovered that outrage doesn't make friends; outrage puts you - alone - in the back yard at parties, when everyone knows that the guest bedroom is the place to be.

Milquetoast ever since, it's worth noting that I see lots of guys in the same mental space now. Hot-headedness has given way to a kind of mellow acceptance, especially of other blokes. For this I thank our womenfolk. Ladies, I think you've won.

After years of being told...

+ to show my feminine side

+ not to be afraid of crying

+ to be a little less macho

+ to try getting in touch with my emotions 

...y'all can stop now. I'm there, I'm right there with you. No need to continue, I have seen the (foxglove hued) light.

 
To the outside observer (ie: women) the male social process must appear to be little more than mildly boastful bravado mixed with sport-talk. I'm sure you see it through the female prism, which is to say that you think we're working out the hierarchy in the room; who's above and below whom in the pecking order.

The reverse is true. What's really happening is that we're attempting to find the common ground, so that we know how to communicate. This low-level détente is designed precisely to avoid conflict. We know how discord goes, and it's good for no man. Much better to figure out how we can sit happily and watch the women doing their thing at parties. 

BTW, I'm waiting for the first man to say to a woman:

+ you know, you should really find your masculine side.



Bottoms Up, Peaceniks.

The Dating Distribution Curve - Wombatgram #22

Click on Wombatgram to enlarge.

How to interpret the Dating Distribution Curve:

* Sequential date number shown on x-axis
* Total number of daters shown on y-axis
* Three peaks represent peaks of dating numbers
* Two troughs represent dips in dating numbers
* Successful negotiation of dips becomes progressively more difficult
* After date #10 you're beyond dating and onto some other status

Obviously, most people know by date #2 or #3 if there's a future with this person.

The dips exist to test whether you really should be together. Read more about The Dip here.



Other Wombatgrams here.

Bottoms  Up, Long Lasters.

Love Matador

 Paz Vega photo credit.

The PUA community is fully aware of the value of dressing to impress. Overdressing, actually, with the aim of making themselves the centre of attention. Peacocking they call it.

Grabbing and maintaining a woman's eye is the aim, and a quirky or bright outfit will help. The theory is that once you set yourself apart from the shlubs in flops and cargo pants, bedding a woman is then a matter of time.

The lads are probably right.

In Florida, where I live, a man in a long-sleeved shirt creates a stir. If he's in a business suit with necktie and polished shoes, the local television news sends an outside broadcast unit. Of course the climate mitigates against much more than shorts and a flamingo-print shirt, but still; we're a state of slobs.

So I have a vision, thanks to Katherina. The most colourful and distinctive male outfit I can think of is that of the matador. I'm SO tempted to dress myself as a torero - accessorized with hat and blood-red cape - and go about my day. In the morning I'd take my espresso, go to the bank and pump some gas. In the afternoon, naturally, a siesta. And then at then at cocktail hour I'd head to my favourite bar trailing a line of swooning females.

I'd be like a Bullfighting Pied Piper.





Bottoms Up, Picadors.

You're Such a Dirty Bitch

 Manuela Arcuri photo credit.

You're such a dirty bitch.

God you're so wet, I love it.

Oooh, yeah, that feels great.

Your pussy feels so tight. 

Mmmmm, I could do this forever.


Guess what we're doing here? Yes, I'm talking during sex, and now that it's written down, it's kinda lame - unimaginative, even. But  when I start thinking about improving my sex-talk repertoire, the right words elude me.

My working theory is this: If a woman is sharing her mind and body with me in heavenly congress, she wants me to be as close to her ideal lover as possible. I guess women have the two extremes of men in mind - the worst possible and the best. The worst kind of lover sticks it in, wiggles it around for a bit, ejaculates and remains silent throughout. (Although under some circumstances I can see some women wanting precisely that. Tricky creatures.)

The ideal lover is skilled at making her feel beautiful and sexy; understands just how to help her mind and body stay horny; exerts the right amount of authority; talks eloquently and sexily; and fucks her long and often.

Frankly, that doesn't seem like such a big ask, especially in a loving marriage or committed LTR. Still, the right kind of talking during sex looks to be the most elusive element. From personal experience, men should avoid:


~ laughter. Women seem to take this personally, rather than as an expression of joy.

~ filth-talk if she's not in the mood. Best to discuss this beforehand.

~ comparison to other women, even if positively. Duh.

~ explicit functional chat if she's not prepared for it. Body parts have distinctly unsexy names.

~ anything that makes her feel self-conscious. Until she's comfortable with admiring honesty.


That's a start. As with much surrounding sexual preferences, it's best discussed away from the heat of the moment. Start when fully-clothed, and over dinner, ask:

Darling, when we're making love, do you like it when I tell you how hot you are in Latin?

With luck you'll be able to capitalize on the feeling and try your sex-talk immediately. Practice makes perfect.



Bottoms Up, Woman-Whisperers.

All The Power. Women Have All the Power.

 Elisabetta Gregoraci photo credit.

I know she was testing me, because no other explanation works.


The casually over-opened blouse, the lingering lean-over, these are the weapons of war. It's not a conventional war - in the parlance, this is an asymmetric battle.

Winning and losing are fuzzily defined. For instance, do I win or lose by giving into temptation, allowing my gaze to drop below her neck?  The upside is that I see some bra, definitely, and some portion of breast.
 .
If I steel myself and exhibit self-restraint by not checking her out, does she notice and figure that she needs more firepower next time? Or is she disgusted by failure to compliment her with a gaze at her goodies? 

Either way, I am outgunned and suffer from hopeless intelligence.


Bottoms Up, Wandering Eyes.

Man 1.0

Photo credit. 

Civilization depends in large part upon men curbing their instincts. Restraint, self-discipline, filtering, gratification denial; call it what you like, it's all about out-thinking the first reaction.

In a monogamous relationship, it's natural for a woman to want to see a little (or, umm, a lot?) of the unrestricted male. I don't mean violence, of course. That's where trust comes in. But for everyone's benefit, raising the gate on a few more basic instincts leads to a happier experience. How many times have I heard women ask:

How do you really feel?

or

Just let go!

or variations thereof.

Not so easy. Curtailing the civilization software and (temporarily) re-installing Man 1.0 requires practice and understanding. My practice and your understanding.

Now. Where are those 5 1/4" floppy disks?



Bottoms Up, Coders.

Wingmaniac

Thinking you're a good Wingman and exhibiting good Wingman skills aren't the same thing. A useful Wingman should...well, just what constitutes a good Wingman?


A competent Wingman or Wingwoman should:

-> Act in the interests of the Leader at all times

-> Put themselves second in the pursuit of a mate (deferring to the Leader)

-> Do whatever works in attracting likely love interests (for the Leader)

-> Give honest and accurate feedback to the Leader

Wingmanship is all about unselfishness and reflecting of one's ability to attract (however small) back onto the other guy. It's like being a birdfeeder next to a cat's hiding place. Here birdie, look at the tasty sunflower seeds.

But when my Leader said the following, he needed to hear the truth:

Okay, Wombat. When Stephanie comes in, I want you to find a way to let her know that I'm interested, but I need to know she's not just being touchy-feely, and really wants to be touchy-feely.

Hmmm. This sounds bad. Male uncertainty resolves only rarely in his favour. And, as expected, Stephanie arrived in a wave of perfume and hugs...for everyone. She did reserve special attention for my Leader, but the energy shouted "amused interest" rather than "take me now". Although I have to say there was a spark of something there, to which my buddy had assigned sexual possibility.




So I invoked Wingman's Responsibility #4. He needed to know that while Steph was certainly worthy of his exploration, the green lights he saw where faux. His instinct was telling him this, hence my involvement.


When she's really interested, you'll be in no doubt, I advised. Oh. And when she's over her ex. 






Bottoms Up, Wingpeople.

Overthinking: Engaging the Complication Cicuitry

Road warrior pic credit.

Wouldn't it be sweet if life was a simple progression from certainty to certainty? If at every point requiring a decision, we had a Wombatproof method by which we could choose the right path, time after time?

I say Wombatproof because I have an impeccable record of, at forks in the road, leaving the paved superhighway behind. Instead I battle on with the steep and rocky path strewn with monsters and zombies and mantraps with pointed sticks at the bottom. Very pointy sticks. The impression I have is that everyone else is able to choose the better way on more than a random basis, but what do I know? - I'm a notoriously bad judge of character.

Changing the way I approach forks in the road is a slow business. Especially with respect to ladies, a clear-cut way to move forward can be difficult to find. One could trust one's gut, of course, but clarity of communication isn't Gut's forte. When Mind gets involved, it's like the whole rest of the world gets to have an input - there's so MUCH information that can be pretzeled into a decision.

It's like there's a whole department of the brain specifically designed to complicate even the most simple thing. For instance: Should I call her back now or later? Is it too soon? Will she think me too keen? Too needy? Not needy enough?

Exhausting, isn't it. In writing this, the answer becomes clear, but I'd still like some way to disengage the Complication Circuitry. All is does is send me around in circles.





Bottoms Up, Over-Thinkers.


wombat@kissnblog.com

He's a Sociopath, She's Quirky.

I had to look up the definition of 'sociopath'. Tossing around psychiatric terms with no knowledge can land you in Blogger Court, where there's no right of appeal. Better to bluff your way through or hire The Juice's legal team...which would be fine except that most them are dead.

In any case, never plead guilty - Blogger Jail is full of lying bluffing sociopath writers who know the real meaning of giving someone a cup of 'sugar'.

The qualities of a sociopath are so wide-ranging that not having one of them would disqualify you from the human race. And the most obvious skill is not mentioned, namely the ability to have six concurrent girlfriends and never call one by another's name.

That's truly superhuman.

Sociopath Profile from here [link]

# Glibness and Superficial Charm

# Manipulative and Conning

# Grandiose Sense of Self

# Pathological Lying

# Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt

# Shallow Emotions

# Incapacity for Love

# Need for Stimulation

# Callousness/Lack of Empathy

# Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature

# Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency

# Irresponsibility/Unreliability

# Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity

# Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle

# Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility


Tell me you have none of these.




Bottoms Up, Empaths!


Pic of Lorraine Bracco from here [link]

Dating Types

Click to enlarge, Possums.



Bottoms Up, Dating Pool!

Dating Options

I can make a case that our internal life, our consciousness, is an endless series of decisions. Today I attempted to write a diary of all the decisions I made, but after ten minutes the number was ridiculous enough to prove my point. Try it for yourself, when you're doing anything but sleeping. (Hard to make a decision when you're asleep, which is why it's called being unconscious.)

Decisions imply choice. One either takes this course of action, or that one, which smells suspiciously like the binary language that runs our digital universe. Evolution has taken away some choices; breathing, for example or digestion. Bonking is a choice, but with a large uncontrollable element.

Take that concept one step further, and one can say that that the more advanced the organism, the greater the range of choices one can see into the future. Einstein, I guess, was great at understanding the spread (width?) of choice that a string of decisions might create. I, on the other side, am happy to limit my choice breadth to beer from the bottle or beer from the tap.

Dating decision-making is more fraught than choosing beer because it oozes into all areas of our life. Dating decisions are emotional. Dating decisions are logical. Dating decisions are practical. Dating decisions are even sometimes out of our control (see reference to bonking, above.)

I happen to think that decision-making is a skill. Skills improve with experience and practice, but they really improve when we set out to consciously make them better. Would our dating decisions benefit from some light work-outs? Is there a need for Dating Decision Coaching?




Bottoms Up, Deciders!

The Dating Matrix

Bottoms Up, Optimists!

Allow Yourself Pleasure

"Most women need permission to express themselves sexually and allow themselves pleasure."*

I sense an element of truth in this statement, and yet raise my eyebrows. 'Permission' implies someone has the authority allowing each individual female release. Is is possible that women themselves deny that permission? Do women stop their own natural behaviour? Why?

This kind of self flagellation is foreign to guys. We routinely deny ourselves expression from the other end of that spectrum - controlling our impulses civilizes us. This, too, can be overdone, leading to male sexual introversion.

Perhaps we could meet in the middle. Ladies, give yourself permission. Men, go meet the women.




Bottoms Up, Permit Holders!



Pic from here [link]

*Quote from a quote from "Release the Seductress Within" by Laurie Sue Brockway.

What Do Men Say?

Unusually, I'm about to recommend another websiteslashblog.[link] I have no clue who the people are, but I see there's talent among the production and editorial staff and (guessing) money backing them too.

The premise is one I like and try to put into practice here @ KnB, namely the idea that women want to hear what men think about, and about them. My efforts are miserable, but the following interview is worthwhile.

It helps that Miss Schell, the interviewer, does a bang-up job of not verbally obstructing the guys.

It's worth a look, safe for work, and nicely amiable.





Bottoms Up, Inquisitors!

RubixGirl from here. [link]

The Secret

Guessing now, but I imagine that men spend a minimum of ten percent of their lives thinking about women. That's 65,700 hours in the average male lifetime completely dedicated to contemplating the be-skirted sex.

And the marital status of the dude doesn't matter. Single guys spend their allocation wondering how to snare one; guys in relationships wonder if she is the one; married fellas have the complicated circumstance of having one bird in the hand and a nest and previous birds in the bush. That's not something about which I can authoritatively speak.

I'm writing a review of a book about a famous American man. Revealing his name would spoil the fun, but the following excerpt, which is a quote from a friend of his, caught my eye. Some truths about women are universal, even if we - all we men - think we know stuff others don't.

Here's how to woo a woman.

"(He) treated romance as a job - not as a conquest, but as a process. The reason that every woman who ever met him fell in love with him - and I've never met one who didn't - is because he put so much effort into it. Any woman who came to (his place) would be wined and dined. (He) would prepare elaborate meals with oysters, chocolate, strawberries, champagne - drugs, if that's what they were into. He had a magical ability to make a woman feel as though she was the only one who ever existed - he actually used to laugh at other men because he knew how good he was."

Aye. Make a woman the centre of your universe...at least while you're together. That's The Secret.



Bottoms Up, Lotharios!


Pic of cheer-leader from a now-defunct blog, so it's pointless providing attribution. I bet she likes an oyster and some champagne.

I Can Read Your Mind, Darling.

No I can't, sweetheart, so it would be easier overall if you just told me what you were thinking.

We have such difficulty doing this though, don't we? And when we think we know what we want, something in our head flips and there's another set of stuff we want. Dammit, this affects me at least as badly as everyone else, so I doubt it's a sex-based thing. My suspicion is that desire-drift grows from mental rootlessness - in other words, lack of a spiritual anchor.

There are two problems here:

1. Not knowing what we want.

2. Inability to communicate today's (or any) specific want.

The latter is a limitation of language. At the best granularity, I doubt we ever move beyond 80% efficiency when trying to get our thinking across to another. If the former - the actual meat of what we're looking for from the other person - changes direction like a school of fish, we transmit almost nothing.

Consistency is the answer. I should decide upon what I want, and tell the people who need to know what those things are. After a while, the message will get through.

Or I could find a woman who can read my mind




Bottoms Up, Communicators!

Pic from here.[link]