You're Such a Dirty Bitch

 Manuela Arcuri photo credit.

You're such a dirty bitch.

God you're so wet, I love it.

Oooh, yeah, that feels great.

Your pussy feels so tight. 

Mmmmm, I could do this forever.


Guess what we're doing here? Yes, I'm talking during sex, and now that it's written down, it's kinda lame - unimaginative, even. But  when I start thinking about improving my sex-talk repertoire, the right words elude me.

My working theory is this: If a woman is sharing her mind and body with me in heavenly congress, she wants me to be as close to her ideal lover as possible. I guess women have the two extremes of men in mind - the worst possible and the best. The worst kind of lover sticks it in, wiggles it around for a bit, ejaculates and remains silent throughout. (Although under some circumstances I can see some women wanting precisely that. Tricky creatures.)

The ideal lover is skilled at making her feel beautiful and sexy; understands just how to help her mind and body stay horny; exerts the right amount of authority; talks eloquently and sexily; and fucks her long and often.

Frankly, that doesn't seem like such a big ask, especially in a loving marriage or committed LTR. Still, the right kind of talking during sex looks to be the most elusive element. From personal experience, men should avoid:


~ laughter. Women seem to take this personally, rather than as an expression of joy.

~ filth-talk if she's not in the mood. Best to discuss this beforehand.

~ comparison to other women, even if positively. Duh.

~ explicit functional chat if she's not prepared for it. Body parts have distinctly unsexy names.

~ anything that makes her feel self-conscious. Until she's comfortable with admiring honesty.


That's a start. As with much surrounding sexual preferences, it's best discussed away from the heat of the moment. Start when fully-clothed, and over dinner, ask:

Darling, when we're making love, do you like it when I tell you how hot you are in Latin?

With luck you'll be able to capitalize on the feeling and try your sex-talk immediately. Practice makes perfect.



Bottoms Up, Woman-Whisperers.

How to Compliment People and Lose Yourself

Some well-meaning person recommended Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" to me when I was kid. I read it in only that way that precocious pre-mature children can, which is to say completely literally.

Under the heading "Six Ways to Make People Like You", Dale gives us this pearl of wisdom:

Remember that a man's Name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

You might imagine what happened next. Every conversation I had with Paul, I would make sure that I dropped his name, Paul, as often as possible because you know, Paul, I want to be your friend. Paul. Yes. Your friend, Paul.

Within two weeks all my mates were no longer. Acquaintances ran. I ate lunch alone, and even my parents began taking their meals at times and places without my presence. Figuring this was all part of the way Dale's magic worked, I kept up my creepy use of names even though by now I was talking exclusively to myself. That probably didn't help.

Eventually I grew bored with being alone, and so dropped the mid-sentence use of the name of the person to whom I was talking, and my life gradually drifted back to normal. Although Mr Carnegie had some good advice, I learned that manipulating people by communication is not that easy. Dear reader.





Photograph from here. [link]