I Don't Care About Your Band

Also published at Blogger Critics Network.

Julie Klausner has Double-D-sized breasts.

I have yet to meet Julie or her breasts, but when I discovered this awesome fact, the whole thing made sense. Trouble was, her mammarial revelation didn't come until the second half of her book, so I had to start over.

This, then, is why I read "I Don't Care About Your Band"* two and one-thirds times. Breasts give a man perspective, a couple of reference nipples from which to view the rest of the woman. Until that point I was amused but lost. Once Julie's chest found sharp focus, I had to re-read everything up until the breast-size epiphany; then I had to finish it off (the book, pervs); then I had to re-read all the dirty bits.

The picture in my mind is of a sex-obsessed redhaired girl with big tits, blindfold, in lingerie, groping around a room in a desperate quest for a penis. She's a Jewish Princess at a piñata party, smashing her way into the pants of any man who shows even the vaguest interest. As an idea for a role-play sex game, that sounds like fun, but as a metaphor for finding someone, it's a disaster. Which is a great word for Miss Klausner's dating life in New York, although by her own admission, it's a selective history.

My question is: How did she miss with those puppies? I constantly referred back to her picture on the cover, wondering how the hell this vixen failed so well so often. Maybe if she'd walked around Manhattan topless, her love life would have been different.

Which of course is the point of the book. Who wants to read about dating suxxess? It's infinitely more fun for we readers to get smug at dating horror. Even hotties don't get laid.

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Something That Might Interest You

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Because we dating and relationship bloggers are a cool bunch, I want to start something new.

I will be sending this copy of Julie Klausner's book to another blogger for review. That blogger will read it and post his or her thoughts, and then send the book on to another blogger for their review, and so on. Everyone who reviews will link back to all previous reviews, thereby forming a kind of extended multi-review.

Should we call this the Blogger Book Review Network or something more snappy?

I am looking for input; if you're interested in participating, whether a better system exists, whatever you think.

Edit: Snaf will be receiving the book to review. She seemed the best fit, being both single and a New Yorker like Miss Klausner. Next week I have another item to check out.




*I Don't Care About Your Band. What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux Sensitive Hipsters, and other Guys I've Dated by Julie Klausner. ISBN 978-1-592-40561-9

Published by Gotham Books, a divvy of Penguin. They sent it to me, free.


Klausner links [site] [tumblr]

Edited for overuse. Words, that is.

Acai Berry Jam

I am a sucker for new/interesting products, and am trying to make a concerted effort to use more of the ingredients I have on hand, as there are quite a few! One of these ingredients (moved from Philly, unopened) was a jar of acai powder (fyi, it's cheaper on amazon) that I unearthed from the depths of my cupboard.

I happened to come across a recipe for Acai Berry Jam that I knew I'd have to try. Better yet, I had some some chia seeds purchased on sale, still waiting to be used. A fun way to use these ingredients, and a mild yet tasty jam that beats a lot of jarred ones :) I can't wait to add it to a slice of toast with almond butter!!

Acai Berry Jam

Have you tried acai powder? What's your favorite way to use it?

Friday Fluffer - Curling at the Winter Olympics

Summer Olympics have Beach Volleyball.

Winter Olympics have Women's Curling.

Enough said except to emphasize how hot the Canadian Women's Curling Team is. Pictured is Cheryl Bernard, resident of Calgary and the uberMilf of Curling.

I imagine Curling Training Camp consists of touching up one's Frenched Nails, shopping for body-hugging yoga pants and chardonnay lunch with salad.

If you think this is criticism, you're wrong.



Pic from here [link]

What I wanted to write was how I spent an hour and a half and two glasses of cabernet mesmerized by the entire sexy-mumsy nature of curling. Why is this spectacle of ripe women on their knees on ice not more widely lauded? But I didn't want to appear trivial.

From the Wikipedia entry on Cheryl:
Recently, Bernard was nicknamed "The Curlgar" by American sportswriter Bill Simmons.[link]
Good enough for me.

Putting Romaine Lettuce's Feet to the Fire

Going out to eat has many pleasures, not the least of which is learning a new trick to add to your own repertoire at home.

Last year, we had dinner at the charming Barbrix (242 Hyperion Avenue, Silver Lake 90027, 323/662-2442) where we discovered charmoula sauce. Easy to make, I promptly put it to use in my own kitchen flavoring fish, chicken, and vegetables.

Recently at Il Fornaio, during the Lazio Regionale, we had Lattuga Romana alla Griglia or lightly grilled hearts of romaine topped with shaved pecorino pepato and Il Fornaio's creamy house dressing. The rest of the menu was terrific, but the real stand out was the deceptively simple grilled hearts of romaine.

The dish is easy to make at home. So easy, in fact, you can serve it on the spur of the moment because it takes barely fifteen minutes to prepare.

Grilled Hearts of Romaine

If you can buy your romaine from a farmers' market, all the better to ensure freshness. At the Wednesday Santa Monica Farmers' Market we buy ours from Gloria's Fruits and Vegetables. At the Sunday Palisades Market, John of Sweredoski Farms sells large, well-formed lettuces.

Romaine will keep fresh in the refrigerator for a week or more when wrapped in a damp cloth kitchen towel and placed in a plastic bag.

Yield: 4 servings

Time: 15 minutes

Ingredients

2 large romaine lettuces

3 tablespoons olive oil

8 slices pecornio pepato or pecorino Romano

Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

Method

Peal off the 4-5 outer leaves of each romaine and discard. With a sharp paring knife, cut off the end of the stem so it's even with the remaining leaves. Wash the inside of the leaves to remove grit, being careful to leave them attached to the stem. Shake off excess water.

Using a sharp knife, cut each romaine the long way. Then cut each half again so one romaine makes 4 sections that look like long watermelon slices.

Heat a bbq grill or preheat the oven to 500 degrees.

Pour the olive oil on a flat plate and season with sea salt and pepper. Dredge all sides of each romaine section in the seasoned olive oil and place on the grill for 3-4 minutes or put on an aluminum lined roasting pan and place in the oven. Turn over and continue cooking another 3-4 minutes or until the top edges of the cut side of the romaine are browned.

Remove from the oven. Place on a serving plate. Lay a thin slice of pecorino along the length of each piece of romaine. Everyone will need knives and forks. Serve warm.

First Impressions Count

Dress for success. Put on a big smile. Shoulders back, chest out, look confident. It's the recipe we use when meeting someone for the first time because we know that first impressions count.

It's not just in business or social circumstances in which the first encounter sets the tone for all that follows. First sexual encounters make a big difference too, oftentimes leading to someone choosing to accompany you down the rose-petal-and-poon-strewn path or relegating you back to the meals-for-one-and-masturbation path.

Men need to know this, that women will judge your sexual performance from the get-go - so when you get the nod, make certain to be the best you can. My advice is to make one really important assumption: consider your new lady a slut. No matter that you think she might be repressed or prudish or inexperienced, lose those thoughts. Babes mask their freak extremely well.

You have to bring your A-Game for the season opener. Much, much better to go balls-out for everything you can get for the very simple reason is that she's much happier if you find her limit before you find yours. And the best way to find the filth in yourself is to imagine that she's gagging for you to take charge. So take charge, and know that she's having at least as good a time as you.

Let me be clear that I'm not advocating anything without mutual consent. Of course. And because this is only the first heat in (hopefully) a long championship season there are boundaries. Anal penetration probably isn't on the menu, but you never know. Ask first. Sometimes intention is as good as the act. Role-play is too complicated for now, although maybe not. Endurance is important, but to avoid this problem, do your level best to get her off. A quivering girlgasm or twenty will go a long way to cementing that good first impression.

What I'm trying to say, men, is to let go of whatever presumptions you might have about her, and bring whatever fun you've ever imagined sharing. Temper that with ensuring she comes first (literally and figuratively) and honouring common-sense boundaries, and do your best.





Pic (not originally) from here [link]

Edited for a less clichéd illustration, which led to one less relevant.

Let-tuce Wrap It Up

I've been laying low do to a (self-diagnosed) pulled muscle in my back, and figured it was the perfect time to try some lettuce wraps. This was before I realized how much time I'd be standing on my feet chopping all the ingredients... luckily no harm no foul, the back's almost back to normal!

Can I get a light over here? :)

These aren't something I've eaten alot of, so I consulted some recipes I had bookmarked and ended up using what I already had in my kitchen.

filling

accompaniments

Asian Lettuce Wraps
Serves 1-2



1T neutral-flavored oil (I use Smart Balance blend)
2T chopped shallots
1T chopped garlic
1-2T freshly grated ginger
1/2 block extra firm tofu, pressed quickly to remove water and crumbled
~1c each, finely diced:
mushrooms (i used a blend of shiitake & baby bellas)
carrots
red bell pepper
bamboo (i had an 8oz can)
cucumber
celery
3T hoisin sauce
1T soy sauce
1/2-1t siracha (to taste)
1/2t toasted sesame oil
1 1/2T rice wine vinegar
1T spicy peanut butter (I used PB & Co's The Heat is On, see Nick's recipe to make your own)
butter lettuce leaves (I suspect cabbage or other sturdy leaf would work as well)
freshly chopped cilantro (I used Fresh Frozen)
chopped peanuts

Heat oil in large skillet/wok. Add shallots, garlic and ginger, saute until fragrant, ~2min. Add crumbled tofu and mushrooms, saute until lightly browned, ~5min. Season with some sea salt and fresh ground pepper.

Prepare sauce (I used a small measuring cup) by whisking together hoisin through peanut butter. Add red pepper, bamboo, carrots, and cucumber, followed by the sauce. Stir and saute ~4min. I added the celery in the last minute or two of cooking so it would retain some crunch.

Remove from heat and transfer to serving bowl. Separate lettuce leaves and clean. Assemble wraps by adding filling to leaves and topping with cilantro and peanuts, then devour!


What are your favorite ingredients to add to lettuce wraps???

Assumptions

One fuck does not a relationship make. It's a rookie mistake, making the leap from penis/vagina hijinks to something more.

Not that jumping that particular gap isn't promoted by a kind of hypnotism that unfortunately sways us all every day. Billboards. Blogs. Checkout magazine racks. All the reputable authorities. Hell, it's right there in front of me! If I make my lover cum in a new way, she'll be mine forever!

{This did not actually appear on a Cosmo cover, but I think they should at least think about hiring me.}

The feeding ground of assumption is lush and well irrigated. Yes we got naked. Yes we had borderline illegal sex. Yes I think you're great. No we're not in relationship.





Pic from some dopey MySpace place to which I refuse to link.

Edited because no-one knows Cosmopolitan from their elbow, but Cosmo is the repository of everything hip sexwise. Maybe.

Memories of Lovers Past

Some people have the happy knack of remaining friends with past loves. I think this mostly applies to men, but that's only for lack of pertinent women-data in my life.

It is possible that women react more negatively emotionally to break-ups because they attach more, earlier. (See the Ten Date Rule/oxytocin phenomenon.) Heat surrounding relationship termination works against friendly post-breakup contact.

On the other hand it might be because men don't give what they consider minor breakups emotional fuel. Until we (men) are significantly meshed, changing relationship status from 'lover' to 'friend' is as consequential as changing gears. Either that or we mask whatever we are feeling.

Generalizations and guesses, all. My own circumstance is a combination of:

~ bad breakup technique (the fadeout, the walkout)

~ breakup sloth (delayed, forgotten, deliberately avoided breakups)

~ relationship misjudgment (I didn't realize I was in one)

~ good breakups (with bad after-relationship service)







Pic from here [link]

Edited for incorrect use of 'mitigate'. Many, many demerit points.

Ten Date Rule Part One. [link]
Ten Date Rule Part Two [link]
Ten Date Rule Overview (later) [link]

Friday Fluffer - The Mangagement Ring

A step forward in human affairs, this. We're late to the party, but another wall to male equality fell with the coming of age of the mangagement ring. [link][link][link]

The mangagement ring is exactly what you think; it's a ring worn by men showing their status as pre-married. The days of the man alone spending six months of his salary on an engagment ring are over. Now the woman should reciprocate, and the bigger the bling the better thanks ladies.



Pic from here [link]

Edited because I couldn't spell 'mangagement.' Duh.

Catching Up

*chirp chirp*

Sorry for the unplanned absence!! Two crazy weeks at work, followed by a week of dog sitting (see below) left little time for blogging. I have been eating (don't ever "forget" that one!), cooking a teensy bit... but not really taking pictures.

Perseus

I finally got around to making some pizza dough (I used all white whole wheat flour), only to have my calzone get eaten at work (really, who does that??? Not cool.) So no picture.

I "un-cooked" Ricki's Carrot & Sunflower Seed Pate (with Pumpkin Seeds instead of Sunflower Seeds...  oops!), and made some killer sandwiches on Nutty Whole Wheat Bread (from the Foodbuzz Festival!) with sprouts and cucumbers.

Carrot & Sunflower Seed Pate
(bad lighting... I know)

Hmm, what else... oh, there was Kerstin's Sweet Potato Black Bean Hummus! That was delicious, especially paired with a sauteed kale/onions/mushroom mixture in a whole wheat blanket (aka burrito/wrap).

Fresh flowers to brighten the day!

My commute last week gave me time to read a few good books... Mind Gym (I think it applies to athletic endeavors and life!), Thrive (while i may not go vegan, there are principles and ingredients that I will try to incorporate to my diet), and The End of Overeating (eye-opening, and reaffirms why I'd rather make my own food!). Gotta love the library!

Is it spring yet?

I've been doing a little more cooking and playing with my camera after a visit with Gary Tardiff. Kerstin had a great recap here (thanks for organizing!). White balance, ISO, shutter speed, aperture... steep learning curve here :) We'll have to see how well I can incorporate his tips!

How are you all doing?? :)

Everywhere

It's a given that whatever you're looking for is right there in front of you. You just can't see it.

That sucks. What use is a universe that supplies the answers to our questions but not the understanding to know?

But wait: If the universe supplies the answers and did so all along, what's the weakest link here? That would be the way we look at things, wouldn't it?


I want to make special mention of a couple of links, to my right, as I speak.

One is Relationshipdisaster, which isn't as bad as you'd imagine.

The other is Lesbian Love, which is the bestest site ever if you are keen on dating another lady, and you're a lady. You know what I mean.





Pic from here [link]

Easy, Like Sunday Morning.

Finding new ways to weed out possible Mrs Wombats has become a sort of hobby of mine. Dating websites all do this more-or-less the same way, with written profiles and canned questions. I dislike dating websites.

To my mind shoe-horning the individual into these boxes cannot meaningfully tell us that much about them. Most people find writing about themselves difficult. That part of their profile then becomes an exercise in satisfying the minimum word-count, with commensurate usefulness. Asking me whether I'm black or white or hispanic is meaningless, in my opinion. My star-sign? Yeah, whatever.

So I have tried to create a series of questions that ask about stuff that I think will tell me something about the other person, in relation to me. Make sense? Maybe not. Here's an example, which you might care to answer.

What does your ideal Sunday morning look like? And if it's different, what do you actually do?






Pic from here [link]

On a Clear Blue Day You Can See Malibu Seafood

People who don't live in Southern California forget that in the winter, the temperatures can drop into the 40s and even the 30s at night.

That's mild compared with the weather experienced by our friends and relatives who live in other parts of the country.

But even here, a sunny day is appreciated all the more after several weeks of gloomy weather. The last couple of days were beautiful. Bright blue, clear skies and temperatures in the mid-70s. Just about everyone switched to shorts and t-shirts.

A perfect time to drive up the coast and have lunch at Malibu Seafood (25653 Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, 310/456-3430, 310/456-6298, fax 310/456-8017), 1 1/2 miles north of Pepperdine University.

Even though the menu has a lot of variety, I always order the same thing, a very politically incorrect basket of fried fish with fat cut fries and tartar sauce. Michelle likes the ahi tuna burger or the grilled fish taco with a side of cole slaw. If you want to keep the calories down, there are salads and grilled fish and for anyone flush with cash, the Maine Lobster plate.

Besides the made-to-order food that reminds me of East Coast clam shacks, Malibu Seafood is also fun because the location is so beautiful.

Sitting on a rise above the Pacific Coast Highway, the open-air, covered dining areas look out over an expanse of bright blue water. What a treat to sit at the battered, wooden picnic tables, eating salty, crunchy fish, drinking iced tea with lemon wedges, feeling the cool breeze coming off the water, just taking it easy and enjoying hanging out with my wife.

Decisions, decisions.

Here is a quote from an email the FAA sent me yesterday*:

70 percent of aircraft accidents are the result of poor decision making. Despite our efforts, we have not been able to improve this statistic. Flight instructors have been reluctant to adopt reality based training, simply because they have not had training or feel that there is no place or time for this training in their primary pilot program.

This pertains to dating as well.

70 percent of failed relationships are the result of poor decision making. Despite our efforts, we have not been able to improve this statistic. Singletons have been reluctant to adopt really basic principles, simply because they all think they're experts, and that there's no place or time for training in their primary desire; to find The One.

If you could see me now, I'm standing up with my hand in the air. Poor Decision-Making should be my nickname. I am guilty of some rip-roaring, ocean-going, Titanic-style bad decisions.

Maybe the FAA should go into the relationship advice business.








*The Federal Aviation Authority is the United States' federal government's bureaucracy that oversees all things airborne.

Pic from here [link]

Edited for clarity.

Dater, Know Thyself

Expectation is destructive in dating for two reasons:

1. It tends to crowd us into a corner, looking for certain outcomes.

2. It focuses attention in the wrong place viz: on the other person.

Knowing yourself isn't easy. We are bombarded by fear-mongers (aka advertisers, tv, magazines etc) whose job it is to make us feel inadequate. Buy their product though, and your life will blossom.

Written like that, the idea is preposterous, and yet it must work, otherwise you wouldn't covet that Beemer. Or that Burberry coat. Or that girl who drinks DiSaronno.

Knowing yourself isn't about acquiescing to your ego either. I might harbour desires towards Giada De Laurentiis, but that's pure ego. A of all, she's a superstar and I'm a peon; B of all, the chances of us actually being compatible in real life are vanishingly small. It's my ego talking, telling me that I have a shot at the impossible.

Trouble is that our egos like long-shots. Disregarding odds, statistics, probabilities, facts and truths is what our egos do, with self-evident results. We focus on the lottery winner, rather than the hundreds of millions of losers. We say to ourselves "What if it works?" when starting a high-risk business. Or we ogle impossible partners (like Giada) and wonder why no-one else measures up. That's why I say unrealistic expectation is destructive, and its main driving force is ego.

Dragging ourselves back to ourselves is an exercise in killing our ego for a while, and getting real, man, as hippies used to say.






Photo from here [link]

Valentine's Day

Since my wife has sworn off sugar, my Valentine's day options are limited. I used to bake her one of her favorite desserts--a chocolate banana walnut cake, bread pudding with chocolate and almonds, apple pie with crystallized ginger crust, or a raspberry custard--but not now.

Last year, the first year of Michelle's new regimen, I didn't know what to do so I ironed all her blouses. She liked that.

This year we decided our Valentine's Day treat would be a meal at our favorite restaurant. Last week we went to a tasting at the Il Fornaio (1551 Ocean Blvd, Santa Monica, CA 90401; 310/451-7800) opposite the Santa Monica pier. This month's Regionale features the exceptional cuisine of Lazio, which includes Rome.

We enjoyed the meal so much, we're going back for Valentine's Day, the last day of the Regionale.

Romans must love pork, because cured pork was a featured ingredient in a soup, two pastas, and an entree. Guanciale (pork cheek) enhanced the flavors of the Cannellini Bean Soup (Pasta e Fagiolicon le Cotiche) and gave depth to the Spaghetti in SpicyTomato Sauce (Bucatini all'Amatriciana).

Pancetta in the Spinach Cannelloni (Cannelloni alla Crema) contributed a salty heartiness to the chicken and veal stuffing. In the Sauteed Veal (Saltimbocca alla Romana), prosciutto combined perfectly with the sage and wine reduction to compliment the thin slices of veal.

But Romans apparently do not live by meat alone. The vegetarian and seafood dishes were particularly satisfying, especially one dish, the Grilled Hearts of Romaine(Lattuga Romana alla Griglia). Once in a while we encounter a dish that surprises, even though the ingredients are totally familiar. That was definitely the case with the grilled romaine. Served warm and topped with Il Fornaio's creamy house dressing and a thin slice of softened pecorino pepato (whole peppercorns are imbeded in the cheese), the lightly caramelized romaine had more similarities to fennel than it did to the overly familiar lettuce we have in salads.

The Whole Wheat Ravioli (Mezzelune Integrali) was also unexpectedly good. Too many times we've tried to eat healthily and ordered a whole wheat pasta only to be disappointed with textures and flavors that resembled cardboard. Not so the ravioli filled with greens (Swiss chard and Spinach) and cheeses (ricotta and pecorino) and topped with mushrooms and cherry tomatoes.

Even though Michelle wouldn't have dessert, she indulged me and watched as I ate the Kahlua and Coffee Mouse (Crema al Caffe' e Sambuca). The dessert was presented with extra long spoons which struck me as an affectation, at least until I started eating and discovered that buried in the delicious mouse were precious treats. Cubes of sambuca-soaked sponge cake and coffee beans coated in dark chocolate were lying in wait to be discovered by the deep-diving, adventurous spoon-wielding-diner.

With so many wonderful dishes and several we wanted to try like the Roasted Salmon with Asparagus, Artichokes, and Capers (Salmone Ostia Antica) and the Risotto with Prawns and Monkfish (Risotto Antico Impero), we decided the best way to celebrate our love for each other was to come back to Il Fornaio and do it all again.

For more posts about Il Fornaio's Festa Regionale check out:
Grilled Vegetable Couscous Salad
A Tasting at Il Fornaio, Santa Monica--Trentino-Alto Adige
A Trip to Italy is Just Around the Corner at Il Fornaio--Calabria
Il Fornaio Heads South to Campania for May's Regionale
Il Fornaio Heads North to Lombardia

The Friuli-Venezia Giulia Comes to Il Fornaio

Friday Fluffer - Be My Valentine

Sunday is Valentine's Day, some bogus made-up celebration designed to make men anxious.

For those of you with nipples and an interest in low-energy technology, this might be a pleasing VD surprise - the LED Pasty.

Talk about green lights. [link]








Or if you are looking for something less outré, this might be more valuable. [link]

Man Hunter

Occasionally I take a little adult beverage at a local sports bar. With all those screens and the hard surfaces everywhere, an hour or so is about all I can stomach. But it's bright and shiny and happy, and there are a few guys I know with whom to share some male fellowship.

Last Monday saw me breasting the bar for a couple. After a long working weekend I felt the need for a happy hour snort. I'm such a lightweight thesedays, two is about my limit.

What caught my eye was the woman who arrived at the front door with me. She was a forty-something brunette, stylishly dressed in black skirt, knee-boots and what I believe were fishnets. Thinking nothing of it, I joined the lads at the bar to read my newspaper.

After a few minutes a couple of guys to my right noticed the dame. She was sitting at a table away from the bar. Apparently they had previously made her acquaintance, so she joined them. Their intercourse followed a familiar path. They bought her a glass of pinot grigio. They were overly felicitous, hanging on her every word. They both told her of their sad recent and pending divorces. It's the kind of conversation for which bars were invented.

One of the guys left, and the other started a move. It struck me at the time that he thought he thought of this first, but I'm convinced he was wrong. A woman alone at a sports bar at happy hour on a Monday isn't there for basketball. She's there for a different kind of sport; catch and release, maybe, or catch and keep, depending.

How smart though? If you're a woman looking for a man, go where the men are, where the hunting's reliably rich. She might have been a sweet southern belle, but that outfit was the social equivalent of dating camo.






Painting from here [link]

Widows

A barrier exists between prospective suitors and the widow.

How does the single man approach the bereaved? Is there a magic key to unlock the heart of a priorly taken woman?

How to kill the (dead) elephant in the room?

Clearly I have no clue.



Pic from here [link]

Strong Silent Type

Here's an observed relationship vignette I can't shake:

A friend invited me to a friend's party on a Saturday evening. It wasn't a big deal - ten or twelve people, some couples, some singles, some drinks and some free-form food.

The hostess's husband was out when we arrived, with his brother and a buddy. Riding off-road motorcycles was their recreation of choice.

About two hours after the last guest arrived, the husband and company turned up. He parked his giant truck and trailer in the driveway, walked in, grabbed beers for him and his posse, and sat down to watch sports on the idiot-box. Not only did he not greet his wife with more than a grunt, he made no effort to introduce himself to her guests, nor did he make any move to participate in the party.

I am picturing this large muddy man, beer in paw, staring mindlessly at his television while the socializing proceeded around him.

There's no knowing how the marriage worked. But from the subtle hints the wife exuded it is fair to characterize her attitude as 'exasperated'. At one point she fell in love with a strong silent man and married him. Now there is just silence.





Photo of Uma [link]

The China Syndrome

All we singletons (and not a few marrieds) lament the lack of the perfect partner in our lives. We look here and there, under that rock, on top of that mountain, at the end of that street, and still no-one makes the grade.

A solution exists if you believe that finding right person is a matter of fishing a sufficiently large dating pool - China. China now has "37 million more men then women, and there are as {many} as 120 boys born for 100 girls." [link]

Okay, this is a solution for only the ladies. Men: I'm working on it.

Let's allow that to settle for a few seconds. China has spare men equivalent to the entire population of Canada plus the population of Greater Sydney, Orrstraya. That's a heck of a lot of horny marriageable guys, my female friends. Imagine yourself arriving in a Chinese city, being mobbed with potential suitors. It would be like an entire Walmart Supercenter coming to your place begging you to buy something. Anything. The most subtle sign of interest would be greeted with sighs of appreciation, bouquets, love notes and flattering invitations. Speak, and they stand and applaud. Go on a date and they make you a hero of the revolution.

I sense a new trend in tourism starting right here.





Illustration found here [link]

Friday Fluffer - Robotic Love

Wombat's Second Maxim should be:

Never underestimate the capacity of men to find new ways to stick their dicks in things.

If you thought the Pocket Pussy was bad enough - as I do - meet Roxxxy. Roxxxy is a programmable sex bot. She was developed by....

....you know what? This is so stupid, I can't continue. Decide for yourself. I'm not often embarrassed by my fellow man, but this is beyond pathetic. [link] Safe for work.




Pic from here [link]

Throwing a (Birthday) Party on Super Bowl Sunday: Bacon Wrapped Shrimp, Carrot Salad, Caesar Salad, Ribs, Wings, and Chocolate Banana Cake

My birthday isn't on Super Bowl Sunday, but it's close enough that every year I double-down and celebrate my birthday and football on the same day.

I didn't much care about the sport until our youngest son, Michael, taught me to love all things football. From the time he was 3 years old, he watched Sports Center and would grill me about which QB was the best--I didn't have a clue. He's off at UC Davis now and all that's different now. These days, my favorite TV show--with the exception of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report--is Showtime's Inside the NFL.

We've invited a dozen friends to come by the house and watch the game. I don't want to get stuck in the kitchen, so everything we're serving will be made the day ahead.

Only the Bacon Wrapped Shrimp appetizer has to be grilled on the day so the bacon is crisp and the shrimps are juicy. Just before kick-off, we'll reheat the wings and ribs and we'll be ready to watch what promises to be a great match up.

Bacon Wrapped Shrimp

You know the expression, "Bet you can't eat just one," well it applies to this appetizer. My son Franklin mastered this recipe when he was putting on feasts to entertain his college roommates. He taught me and I'm happy to pass it along to you.

Yield: 4 servings

Time: 30 minutes

Ingredients

1 pound shrimps (25-35 count/pound), washed, shelled, deveined

10-12 bacon strips

2 tablespoons olive oil

1/4 teaspoon sea salt

1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

1 garlic clove, peeled, finely chopped

1 shallot, peeled, finely chopped

2 tablespoons Italian parsley, washed, finely chopped

Toothpicks

Method

Heat the olive oil in a pan and season with sea salt and freshly ground black pepper. Sauté the finely chopped parsley, garlic, and shallot in the olive oil until lightly browned. Let cool. Spoon the seasoned olive oil over the shrimp. Toss well and let marinate for 30 minutes.

Organize an area on the counter so you can work assembly-line style.

Cut the strips of bacon into 3 equal pieces. Toss the shrimp again, then take one shrimp and lay it on the piece of bacon, rolling the bacon around the shrimp. Take a toothpick and push it through the bacon-shrimp-bacon to hold it together. Set aside and do the rest.

Using tongs, put the shrimp on a hot grill and close the hood. If you're using an oven, set it at 450 degrees and put the shrimp on a wire rack over a cookie sheet. Turn every 2-3 minutes so they cook evenly and don't burn, about 10 minutes.

Serve on a platter with napkins.

Carrot Salad with Lemon-Soaked Raisins

A great accompaniment for the ribs and wings, the salad also goes well with deli meats like turkey breast or ham or grilled steaks, chicken, or sausage. The lemon-pepper soaked raisins and the roasted nuts bring some surprises to a familiar side dish.

Yield 6-8 servings

Time 20 minutes

Ingredients

8 large carrots, preferably farmers' market fresh, washed, peeled, ends trimmed off

1 scallion, optional, finely chopped

1 small bunch Italian parsley, washed, dried, stems trimmed, finely chopped

2 tablespoons golden raisins

2 tablespoons lemon juice

1/2 teaspoon cumin

Pinch of cayenne

Sea salt and pepper

1/2 cup mayonnaise

Method

Soak the raisins in lemon juice and 1/4 teaspoon black pepper at least 30 minutes, preferably overnight Grate the carrots in a large mixing bowl. Roughly chop the raisins, reserving the lemon juice not absorbed into the raisins.

Mix together the carrots, raisins, parsley, and scallions. Season with the cumin, cayenne, sea salt, and black pepper and toss. Add the lemon juice and mayonnaise. Mix well.

Variations

Use cilantro instead of Italian parsley

Add 2 tablespoons capers

Top with 2 tablespoons roasted chopped almonds

Caesar Salad

The dressing can be made ahead and refrigerated for up to 2 days, then all you have to do before serving is tear up the lettuce, shake on some cheese, add the croutons and pour on the dressing. Perfect for a half-time snack.

Yield 4 servings

Time 30 minutes

Ingredients

1 garlic clove, skin off

1/4 teaspoon sea salt

4 anchovies

1 large egg, farmers' market fresh

1/4 teaspoon Worcester sauce

2 hearts of romaine or 1 large frisee, leaves washed

2-3 tablespoons olive oil, to taste
1 teaspoon lemon juice, freshly squeezed

2-3 drops Tabasco, optional

1/2 teaspoon Dijon mustard, optional

1/4 cup Parmesan or Romano cheese, freshly grated

1/2 cup croutons, homemade

Black pepper

Method

Use a wooden bowl if you have one. Sprinkle the sea salt on a wooden cutting board. Mash the garlic back and forth on the salt with the flat side of a chef's knife, then sweep the garlic-salt mash into the salad bowl.

Boil water in a small saucepan. Add the egg and cook for 4 minutes. Remove the egg, let cool, open, scoop out the yolk and white with a small spoon, and add to the salad bowl along with the Worcester sauce, optional Tabasco & Dijon, olive oil, and lemon juice.

Using a fork, mash the anchovies against the side of the salad bowl so they dissolve in the dressing. Mix well.

Tear the romaine leaves into pieces or chop up the frisee, add to the salad bowl, top with grated cheese, croutons, and season with pepper. Toss to coat the leaves.

Taste and adjust the flavors by adding more lemon juice or sea salt.

Variations

Add 1/2 pound grilled, shelled, deveined shrimp, whole or roughly chopped

Add 2 chicken breasts, skinless, grilled, thin sliced

Add 1 ripe avocado, peeled, pitted, roughly chopped

Brown Sugar Pork Ribs

The cooked ribs can be kept in the refrigerator covered 2-3 days or frozen in an air-tight freezer bag.

Yield 4 servings

Time Prep (20 minutes) Marinate (overnight) Cook (2 hours)

Ingredients

1 rack pork ribs

2-3 cups brown sugar

1/4 cup kosher salt

1/2 teaspoon cayenne

Olive oil

Black pepper

6 ounces Italian tomato paste

1 small yellow onion, peeled, finely chopped

2 garlic cloves, peeled, finely chopped

Method

Trim excess fat, the membrane, and flap from the ribs. Caprial Pence the owner-chef of Caprial's Bistro in Portland, Oregon and a fellow contributor to Eat Drink or Die shows how to prep the ribs with easy-to-follow photographs. Reserve the flap, trimmed of its membrane, to grill for tacos.

Spread a piece of plastic wrap on the counter 5” longer than the rack. Dust the meat side of the ribs with the cayenne.

Mix together the brown sugar and kosher salt. Spread half the dry mix on the plastic wrap. Lay the ribs on top, then cover with the rest of the dry mix. Cover with a second piece of plastic wrap, seal, fold in half and place into a Ziploc or plastic bag. Refrigerate in a pan overnight.

In the morning remove the ribs. The dry mix will have transformed into a slurry. Very alchemical! In a sauce pan sauté the onions and garlic with olive oil until lightly browned, season with pepper. Remove the ribs from the plastic bag. Use a rubber spatula to remove most of the liquid from the ribs and plastic bag and transfer to the sauce pan. Add the tomato paste and simmer the sauce on a low flame for 20 minutes. Taste and adjust the flavor if necessary.

Line a large baking tray with tin foil. Place a wire rack on top of the baking tray, then lay the ribs on the rack. The ribs can either be cooked in a 350 degree oven or on the “cold” side of a covered grill with the heat on high.

Whether on the grill or in the oven, cook the ribs 30 minutes on each side, then baste the ribs with the sauce and cook another 30 minutes on each side or until done. Remove from the oven, cut apart the individual ribs, and serve.

Kimchi Chicken Wings

The natural partnership of kimchi and brown sugar brings a sweet-heat to these finger lickin' good wings.

Yield 4 servings

Time Marinate overnight. Cook approximately 60 minutes

Ingredients

2 1/2 pounds chicken wings, washed, pat dried
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1/2 cup kimchi, finely chopped
1 tablespoon kimchi water from the bottle
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 small onion, washed, peeled, sliced thin
2 tablespoons soy sauce

Method

Dissolve the brown sugar in the kimchi water, olive oil, and soy sauce. Add the kimchi, onion slices, and chicken wings. Mix well, cover, and refrigerate overnight.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line a baking tray with tin foil for easy clean up. Place a wire rack on the tray and arrange the wings on the rack. Drizzle the wings with olive oil. Put into the oven and bake 30 minutes. Turn over with tongs. Bake another 30 minutes.

The wings should be tender and golden brown. If not, turn the wings over and continue baking another 10 minutes.

Check again and continue baking at 10 minute intervals, turning the wings each time, until they are done.

In a small saucepan on a low flame, reduce the marinade by a third. Reserve.

The wings should be eaten hot. Pour the heated, reduced marinade over the wings just before serving.

Serve with plenty of napkins and ice cold drinks.

Variations

Add 1 tablespoon julienned garlic and 1/4 cup finely chopped Italian parsley to the marinade

Just before serving, top with 1 teaspoon toasted sesame seeds and 1 tablespoon thinly sliced scallion

Banana Cake with Chocolate Chips and Walnuts

Now it's time for something sweet. The cake is best served warm, topped with powdered sugar and grated dark chocolate. Ice cream and whipped cream are good too.

Yield 8-10 servings

Time 90 minutes

Ingredients

4 ripe bananas

1 1/2 tablespoons baking soda

1/4 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

2 eggs

1 cup plus 1 tablespoon sweet butter, room temperature

1 cup white sugar

1/2 cup brown sugar

2/3 cup half and half or 1 cup heavy cream

2 1/2 cups white flour

Pinch of sea salt

Pinch of cayenne

1/2 cup raw walnuts

1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

Method

Melt 1 tablespoon of butter and paint the inside of a 9 x 3 round cake pan, then put the pan in the freezer for 30 minutes. The frozen butter prevents the batter from sticking to the pan.

Bake the walnuts on a cookie sheet in a 350 degree oven for 30 minutes, turning every 10 minutes. Let cool, roughly chop, and set aside.

In a bowl mash the bananas with a fork, add the baking soda and vanilla. stir well and set aside. In a mixer use the whisk to cream together the softened butter and both sugars. Add the eggs, mashed bananas, half and half (or cream) and whisk until blended. Mix in the flour half a cup at a time, being careful not to over-beat.

Remove the bowl from the mixer. Use a rubber spatula to blend in the walnuts and chocolate chips. Pour the batter into the buttered cake pan. It will only fill the pan half-way, which is good because the cake will rise.

Bake the cake in a 350 degree oven for 60-70 minutes, turning the pan every 20 minutes so the cake cooks evenly. Test to see if the cake is done by inserting a wooden skewer. If the top is browning too quickly, lightly lay a sheet of aluminum foil over the top. When the skewer comes out clean, take the cake out of the oven and place on a wire rack for 30 minutes.

Remove the cake from the pan, putting it back on the wire rack to finish cooling.

Just before serving, dust the top with powdered sugar and shaved chocolate. Serve warm or at room temperature.

I think she made a pass at me.

Slightly old-fashioned, the expression 'making a pass' at an object of desire deserves greater currency. I like it. A comeback is in order.

Making a pass is subtle and discrete, a couple of characteristics missing from the hookup culture.

Compare and contrast;

So, friend-with-benes, do you wanna have sex?

with;

{whispered in her ear} Your legs look gorgeous in that skirt. Let's explore this further in my hotel room.

The point about a pass is that, while it is discrete, intent is never in doubt. The message is clear to both parties - at least in theory.

Those skilled in making passes make certain the belusted knows what the passer is thinking. Trouble is that there are so many amateurs out there making a hash of it. The worst of these is the Passive-Aggressive Pass, in which a pass is made backhandedly or at a distance. Underconfident men or women afraid of rejection make this kind of non-pass. They cobble together a series of hints, or beg. Begging and hinting do not constitute a pass. The accomplished passer puts himself or herself right out there. They are saying I want you without reservation.

Also, proximity is critical in pass culture. You should be close enough to smell each other.

THE RULES OF THE PASS:

A pass must be made face to face, or mouth to ear.

A pass must be clear to both parties.

A pass ideally results in sex within the day.

A pass correctly executed is always accepted as a compliment.

A pass rejected must be so honoured, but does not prevent further attempts.

A pass, once completed, resets, meaning it's a one-shot event. There are no pass credits.







Thanks to 30ty for the inspiration.[link]

Photo from here [link]

Edited for specificity. And speeeling.

Love is Criminal

This book was my weekend entertainment. It forced me to consider the advantages of being a crook, especially a crook who counterfeits C-notes.

There is a downside to contravening Federal US statutes, which includes being pursued by the Secret Service. Did you know that the Secret Service was originally charged with finding and bringing counterfeiters to justice? Only when Mr Roosevelt succeeded Mr McKinley did the Secret Service begin to protect US Presidents from nutters who would kill them.

The upside of counterfeiting is the women. The story of Art Williams[link] is all about women, how they fell in love with him, how they bore his children, how his mother went insane, and how they all helped him in his criminal life. This isn't some fictional tale detached from reality; the truth is that women found this guy attractive to the point where they'd ditch their families for him, break the law for him, and lie to the Secret Service for him.

I wonder: How bad does a Bad Boy have to be before women say no? Is there any point beyond which every woman holds up her hand and says Whoa buddy, this is going too far? (Sex crimes aside, of course.)

There is no conclusion to be drawn, other than love (or its blue-collar cousin, attraction) can conquer even the penal code. But the pervasive attraction of the Bad Boy leads me to believe there's some evolutionary advantage to taking on authority. Either that or bricks of $100 notes to be used for shopping expeditions are impossible to resist.




The Art of Making Money by Jason Kersten. ISBN 978-1-592-40446-9

Jason Kersten's homepage [link]

Set-Up Date

It's not even spring here in the northern hemisphere and the sweet smell of reproduction's in the air. Okay, not reproduction but certainly introduction.

Hello Wombat!
Anthea & Tony, here.
We met you a few times at {restaurant} and {tiki bar}. As a matter of fact the last time we saw you, we had lost a bet and owed you a drink! During that encounter, we thought you might want to meet a girl friend of our's who was moving to the area.
After months of searching for a home and garnering employment, she's ready to make new friends.Would you be interested in meeting for lunch at {restaurant} as we'd like to introduce you to her.
A & T*

Right, we have here the classic set-up. Andrea and Tony are a lively couple who spent time with me on four or so occasions. I like them. They know me about as well as they can. So what kind of woman is their friend? What do they think their friend will see in me? And what do they think I will see in their friend? All unanswerable questions, resolved only by meeting.

If I follow my own advice on this, I should:

a) have no expectation,

b) be myself, which is to say, absolutely refrain from trying to impress, and

c) remember to look in the mirror.**






*Although the timing looks suspicious given yesterday's post, I assure you this email arrived last night. It's for real.

**Note. One or more of these might be contradictory and/or impossible.

Pic from here [link]