The Secret of the Ancient Underpants

Men have quirks when it comes to wardrobe. I submit that the average man has:

+ 2 favourite shirts

+ 1 favourite pair jeans

+ 9 favourite pair sox

+ 1, perhaps 2 favourite pair shoes

and most importantly,

+ 3 favourite pair underpants.

Man's relationship with his smalls exasperates many women when they discover that these three pairs of beloved underduds are in less than pristine condition. Indeed, it's possible that they're weeks, months, or - in extremis - years past euthanasia. Clearly, there's something going on here.

My explanation for men keeping their boxers, briefs and/or tighty whities beyond their use-by date is simple, if unusual. Ready? Underpants have a soul. I don't mean soul in the southern fried way; I mean that each individual item has a spirit that differentiates it from all others. Open a three-pack of underoos and you find three different personalities. One will be okay, nothing special, one might perhaps be too tight, biting in the wrong places, and one might be the perfect combo of comfort and utility.

The process is the same as meeting three new people. After two or three social occasions (or, in underwear-speak, two or three wearings) we pick the company we like. We connect with some people (undertrou) more than others. Men value loyalty, so it follows that we want to stay with our friends (fave undies) until the bitter end.

That's why we have a drawer full of jockey acquaintances, but only a handful of daggy, saggy, holey, faded but hugely loved underpants. They're our friends.



Bottoms Up, Men Who Rock the Bikini.

Friday Fluffer - With Starch or Without, Sir?

The Fluffer is pleased to report that men are taking responsibility - at last - for any aging skin they might have.

Ladies, of course, spend mucho time and beaucoup pesos on products and services that keep them looking as ageless and wrinkle-free as a newly skinned drum. Thesedays, men are catching the same snare.

And what better place to start than between a man's legs? I present to you the aptly named "Tighten the Tackle" service, the highlight of which is something called "ball ironing", provided by the luscious Nurse Jamie.

Delicately describing the $575 non-surgical treatment, the blonde beautician says it involves using lasers to remove hair, erase wrinkles and correct discoloration on the scrotum.

Like women, she explains, her male clients are keen to 'keep their garden kept' and it's purely for aesthetic reasons.

I'm as relieved as you to know that this is a simple vanity service. Lord knows we don't need to be worrying about dying from overly-wrinkled nuts.

Read more about Nurse Jamie in the Mail Online here.



Bottoms Up, And This Won't Hurt A Bit.

Incompetent Cervix

The initial hint that you're dealing with a very different animal comes in that first sex-ed class. When they show that slide of the interior female, the shock lasts a long time, I can tell you.You know the one, that diagram - anterior view I think it's called - showing the lower lady thorax's contents in all its glory; uterus, tubes, ovaries and all. No disrespect intended, but when a ten year-old boy is faced with this for the first time, it looks positively alien. Like something a cheap sci-fi movie props man cobbled together, the vague likeness of a venus fly-trap.

Not only are there all those odd-looking parts, but they do odd things, too. Eggs shoot out, stuff builds up on uterine walls, hormones rain all over the shop and there's blood everywhere. (Although sex educators are at pains to point out the wonder, mystery and beauty of all this argle-bargle, stressing that periodic blood is different from circulatory blood.)

See, I paid attention.

The first reaction is "OMG, all that's inside you?" drawing inevitable comparisons to one's own alien parts. In our case, they're only mildly other-wordly, being, as they are, more out there. Besides, the penis is a simple hydraulic/plumbing fixture and more or less self-contained. Balls? Best to consider them biological punctuation.

Puberty and sexual maturity change everything, naturally. What at first seemed gooey and intimidating becomes, well, still gooey and intimidating, but in a way that makes a bloke devote his life to lady-parts exploration. Then there's the secret of actual child-bearing, where the complexity multiplies, together with the possible problems.

For instance, an incompetent cervix is a mere inconvenience to a woman; an incompetent penis would devastate a man. Therein the difference between the sexes.



Bottoms Up, Triffids.

First Impressions Count

Dress for success. Put on a big smile. Shoulders back, chest out, look confident. It's the recipe we use when meeting someone for the first time because we know that first impressions count.

It's not just in business or social circumstances in which the first encounter sets the tone for all that follows. First sexual encounters make a big difference too, oftentimes leading to someone choosing to accompany you down the rose-petal-and-poon-strewn path or relegating you back to the meals-for-one-and-masturbation path.

Men need to know this, that women will judge your sexual performance from the get-go - so when you get the nod, make certain to be the best you can. My advice is to make one really important assumption: consider your new lady a slut. No matter that you think she might be repressed or prudish or inexperienced, lose those thoughts. Babes mask their freak extremely well.

You have to bring your A-Game for the season opener. Much, much better to go balls-out for everything you can get for the very simple reason is that she's much happier if you find her limit before you find yours. And the best way to find the filth in yourself is to imagine that she's gagging for you to take charge. So take charge, and know that she's having at least as good a time as you.

Let me be clear that I'm not advocating anything without mutual consent. Of course. And because this is only the first heat in (hopefully) a long championship season there are boundaries. Anal penetration probably isn't on the menu, but you never know. Ask first. Sometimes intention is as good as the act. Role-play is too complicated for now, although maybe not. Endurance is important, but to avoid this problem, do your level best to get her off. A quivering girlgasm or twenty will go a long way to cementing that good first impression.

What I'm trying to say, men, is to let go of whatever presumptions you might have about her, and bring whatever fun you've ever imagined sharing. Temper that with ensuring she comes first (literally and figuratively) and honouring common-sense boundaries, and do your best.





Pic (not originally) from here [link]

Edited for a less clichéd illustration, which led to one less relevant.