When Do I Talk About My Ex?

When do we fess up about our history?

I wish I knew. It shouldn't be the first thing you talk about on your first date, that's for sure. Alternatively, you could never talk about your exes, which might be a leeettle bit secretive.

My opinion is that this is an entirely individual matter. Some people will want to know about your exes in short order, and others won't. I, for example, won't want to know until ten years after we're married -  I truly don't care.

But let's think about normal people. It seems to me that if you are looking for some information about past dating habits, it's about figuring out where you fit in. Am I of a type, or does she date eclectically? Am I likely to be better or worse - richer, poorer, bigger, smaller? - than the most recent guy/s? Will I measure up?

That last question is the most critical. That's the information we're really after.

Will she see me in a good light and think well of me? What are the comps?

On the other hand, if I don't know about her past interests, there is no comparison to make...

Take me at face value, or don't take me at all.

When people get close, it's natural to want to know about loves left and loves lost. The trick is to be sensitive to the other person's fears and insecurities. Being vague and a little uninterested in talking about exes is a great way to defuse things. Just be aware that even if you don't care about your past, your date might.

In the end, folks want validation that they're okay. I think these are reasonable guidelines:

1. No talk of exes until he/she asks. 


That's it.




Bottoms Up, Sweet Sensitive Ones.

Dating for Dummies

Wouldn't it be awesome if a Date Store existed for failing or unsatisfactory romances?

At the Date Store - beautifully appointed, BTW, in complementary shades of slate and shiraz - the smart folks at the People With Experience and Perspective Bar would diagnose your love life. Within a few minutes, the details of your relationship would be downloaded, inspected and prioritized. Long-term red flags would top the list, grading down to the fact that she flosses in public.

If, in the sad case that Date Store determines that you and your sig. oth. are in the "terminal" category, those sensitive souls will take you out back and break it to you in a special You're Done room. There, you can cry in peace and mourn what you thought might have been. Then, when you're all cleaned up, they'll give you a script to use to actually break up with the person, and recommend a replacement model better designed for your needs.

~!oOo!~

People seek and use dating advice in approximately the same way they buy and use toilet paper, with more or less the same result.

Only financial commonsense and earthquake tips are ignored with the same energy.

What I think most people are after is affirmation, some kind of backstop so they can continue in the same direction. Most folks don't actually want honesty or even-handed feedback because I know me, and I'm a reasonable person, and you don't know what I know about her anyway. So there. She's the best and I'm gonna stick with her.

I'm at least as bad as the next person at relationships. Ignoring truth and reality to keep it going is my specialty, I know how that shit works. But at least now I know I suck. In that counter-intuitive way that life has, it's the best place to be.



Bottoms Up, Justifiers.

Heaven on Earth

With the female to male ratio of US colleges at 60:40, the obvious place to be is at a US college. Now, I had not the pleasure of attending university here in America. What I remember from my engineering undergrad days in Oz, however, is a sea of sweaty blokes - NOT a heavenly cloud of perfumed mademoiselles.

No wonder I dropped out.


If I found myself in one of these babe-rich campus situations today, I'd totally be considering, like, a four-year degree followed by some (not too taxing) post-grad work and then a little doctoral dabbling. What red-blooded bloke wouldn't want to exercise both his mind and his body for as long as possible before dealing with the real world?


Colleges are sufficiently like the real world in one respect: If we subtract the geeky, virginal, religious, frightened, stoned, gaming and clueless dudes from the student population, we're left with around three guys at each school getting all the action.

That's what I call winning life's lottery. Plus you might even get a job afterwards.




Bottoms Up, Education Firsters! 

Crazy Motherfucking Bitch

 Miss W pic credit.

There is no pleasing this woman.* She looks at you and observes potential unfulfilled, possibilities unattained. There's no way around it - she sees you as a compromise, a worthy non-profit cause goofy enough to love, not smart enough to admire. We muddle through, chatting up an acceptance storm, nibbling on settling-brand cheese, drinking best-I-can-get wine. Who cares, it's approximately where everyone else is at, right?

It's a downer scenario. There are plenty around like it; indeed, I've been in at least one affair like this. But I'd like to offer some optimism. There is hope if we recognize the following:

1. Love is waking up every morning wanting nothing more than to make the other person's day better.

The difference between dalliance and to-die-for is motivation. 






*Obviously I am not impugning the fetching Miss W, shown. She's a paragon of selflessness.

Bottoms Up, Upward Managers.

Relationship Mash-Upship

Sophie Marceau pic credit.

Beautifully matched couples are boring. Kens and Barbies together are meant to be seen as a pair, batteries sold separately. Surely they have their tiffs and differences like any other be-coupled life forms, but it's less dramatic when you know there'll always be someone else. The drama of a bust-up barely registers when the danger is only of when they'll find another one just like the last. Answer: It won't take long.

Couples who are clearly different in appearance raise interesting questions. Do they know they look mismatched? What is it they have in common? Which one of them has the most devious motivation? Are they together out of spite? Which of them is desperate?

[You'll note that I attribute less than honourable motives here. That speaks to my mind, not to our theoretical odd pair.]

In my experience, there are a few broad categories where couples look noticeable. There's the big age difference, the big looks- or body-style difference, and the style difference. A style difference would be, say, someone fully tatted-up with a cleanskin. Cheatin' Jesse James and Sandra Bullock is one example. Less obvious mismatches are those involving social ability, wealth and intelligence. Intelligence is a tricky one, because measurement is so subjective.

Looking around, it's clear that we tend to meld with those who more-or-less look like they belong to us. That might simply be because all we want in a partner is the opposite-sex version of our favourite person. Us.






Bottoms Up, Self-Esteemers.

What's Your Number?

Anna Faris pic credit.

Dating movies never cut it with me. Except that THIS one looks more like it.

The premise comes straight from the single thirty-something woman's field of screams - that having more than twenty past lovers makes you statistically unmarriage-able. Or more accurately, unable to find the love of one's life.

Sounds like bollox to me.

Then again, it might be the best date-night movie in a long time.





And the big Hollywood promo looks pretty funny too.





Bottoms Up, Lookers and Doubters.

When is she my girlfriend?

We lack for accurate descriptors when it comes to romantic attachments.

A vast yawning chasm exists between meeting and marriage, a vast yawning chasm chock full of emotion, imagination, miscommunication, good communication, veiled motives, expressed desires, hidden agendas, agendas right out in the open, fear, love, hate, texts, phone calls, emails, dinners, breakfasts, appointments, missed appointments, disappointments, misunderstandings, understandings, mistakes, nights, days, sleeps and exhaustion.

Hmmm. I think I just described male/female relationships.

Q: What do we call someone in whom we're interested, after the first signs of mutual interest?

A: My potential lady interest.

Q: How about between first make-out and first formal date?

A: My impending woman.

Q: And in the area between arranged date and assumed date?

A: (Unsure) My putative squeeze.

Q: Okay, between assumed date and home base?

A: (Resoundingly) Now that's when I can call her my girlfriend!

Q: Between first sex and sophomore sex?

A: God, I hope she wants to do it again.




Bottoms Up, New Lovers!




Emilie Autumn photo from here [link]