When Do I Talk About My Ex?

When do we fess up about our history?

I wish I knew. It shouldn't be the first thing you talk about on your first date, that's for sure. Alternatively, you could never talk about your exes, which might be a leeettle bit secretive.

My opinion is that this is an entirely individual matter. Some people will want to know about your exes in short order, and others won't. I, for example, won't want to know until ten years after we're married -  I truly don't care.

But let's think about normal people. It seems to me that if you are looking for some information about past dating habits, it's about figuring out where you fit in. Am I of a type, or does she date eclectically? Am I likely to be better or worse - richer, poorer, bigger, smaller? - than the most recent guy/s? Will I measure up?

That last question is the most critical. That's the information we're really after.

Will she see me in a good light and think well of me? What are the comps?

On the other hand, if I don't know about her past interests, there is no comparison to make...

Take me at face value, or don't take me at all.

When people get close, it's natural to want to know about loves left and loves lost. The trick is to be sensitive to the other person's fears and insecurities. Being vague and a little uninterested in talking about exes is a great way to defuse things. Just be aware that even if you don't care about your past, your date might.

In the end, folks want validation that they're okay. I think these are reasonable guidelines:

1. No talk of exes until he/she asks. 


That's it.




Bottoms Up, Sweet Sensitive Ones.

Little Black Book

Before hookups, sexting and booty calls, the discreet man with an argument in his trousers turned to a simple piece of hardware known as the Little Black Book.

The Little Black Book is terrifically James Bond in the Sean Connery-as-James Bond way. Other Connery-style Bond icons are unprotected sex, unemotional one-night stands, rampant chest hair, sexually aggressive women double-agents, martinis, champagne, neckties and Walther PPKs.

Sigh. They were the days.

We're all clear that the LBB contained the phone numbers of one's sexual partners aren't we - past, present, prospective and possible lovers? That was the point, the ability to contact women who might be up for a little slap and tickle at short notice.

The other reason to keep a LBB was to find a possible date for a buddy. The unrecognized value of keeping the details of exes is not just that they might be interested in a fling for old times' sake, but that you know their track record. Mates look after mates in many ways.

Of course, the Law of Unexpected Consequences applies here too. When comparing LBBs, finding that you have one (or more) of the same names as your buddy raises questions best left unanswered.


Bottoms Up, 007s!




LBB from here [link]

Breaking up is hard to do

Breaking up used to be easy. You'd call your girlfriend, tell her you need to talk, and deliver the news. As a callow youth in Australia, I dumped Stephanie in the comfy chair room of the local pub one night. We called it the comfy chair room because it had nice big wing-backs and deep-cushioned arm-chairs of the sort one's grandparents owned. It was the kind of place pretentious teenagers would sip red wine and solve the world's problems, in that way only teenagers who know nothing can.

Ending a relationship in such a setting isn't recommended. Much better to choose somewhere well-lit and uncomfortable with many exits.

After 'the talk' I went straight to the back bar to be with my mates. Brutal, but honest. Stephanie and I reunited a week later, but eventually split. The first time never takes, right?

Thesedays one needs a checklist for action items after the fact. First, change your Facebook and/or Myspace status. Write a blog post reflecting same. Then Tweet that, plus any other random social networking site modifications you need. Rifle through your Flickr or Snapfish or similar accounts to consider whether to remove cutesy pics of you and the now-ex. (Special consideration to what your next girlfriend might think.)

Now you need to email everyone you've ever told you had a girlfriend and inform them of your status. Maybe call parents and siblings, if they haven't already IMd you from Facebook. Check your place for pieces of clothing she might have left, plus makeup, shoes, toothbrushes and 'personal items' and return them.

Lastly, make a decision about the most sensitive stuff. What to do with the sex videos? Delete them, joint custody, or just lie about deleting them? Hmmmm.





How to break up gracefully. [link]

Thanks to Kat for the inspiration. [link]