Sexy is as Sexy Does

 Catherine Bell's cleavage credit.

Be advised that anything I write about online dating refers to women only. Although you would think that checking out the opposition [read: other guys hawking their fork] a smart strategy, doing so is beyond me. Comfort with one's sexuality is one thing - deliberately investigating dudes is quite another.

Can't. Tell. Internet. I. Want. To. Look. At. Men.

So I rely on you, dear reader, to tell stories of male profile quirks.

Spectacular as bulk online Lady Catalogues are, my interest is in the detail. One popular specific self-descriptor is that of "sexy", as in:

"...I'm a sexy, giving, mother of two looking to find a real man..."

I see. A cynic might translate this as:

"...I like sex (a lot) but will be restricted by these damn kids and your own dick's reliability..."

But I'm not a cynic. I'm a realist, and therefore think that sexiness lies in the eye of the beholder.  Surely I get to determine if you're sexy?...And your very presence online contraindicates.

Hmmm. Perhaps I am a cynic.




Bottoms Up, Self- Assessors.

Hair

Him: What are you, a leg man, a tit man, an arse man or what?

Me: Oh, I'm a hair man.

Him: A hair man? (Incredulously.)

Me: Yep.


Call it a top down approach. The hair tells you almost everything about a woman you need to know. The rest you can fill in from her shoes and her fingernails.

Note that I wrote "...everything...you need to know..." not "...everything...".

Let's put it this way: Any time or money a dame spends on the right hair-do will be time or money well spent. Men who begrudge this are foolish.




Bottoms Up, French Rollers!

Friday Fluffer - Maximum Fluff

A mate recently gave me a used copy of Maxim, the lads' mag that bills itself as "The Ultimate Guys' Guide".

Remarkably, I swear that this edition was exactly - exactly - the same as the last one I read, more than ten years ago. All the same articles were there, from hangover cures to the photo-folios of unknown F-List girls. Beer ads. Condom ads. Jolly jottings on television, dates and how to dress well without being called "gay" rounded out the rest.

Ironic then that the first pop-up ad to appear when I visited their website was for eHarmony. Yep. Maxim. Fluff for men who daydream of fluffers but would be happy settling down with a nice girl. Like Sarah, above.


Edit: Media are a mystery, but recent correspondence makes me wonder why mags like Maxim don't embrace this wondrous internet thing, if only to tell me that I'm a douche. Why don't these morons know that I'm panning their loss-making arses? And why not make friends of like-minded or anti-but-sympathetic writers?


More fluffers here. [link]

Photo of Sarah Silverman pointing at her best asset courtesy of her PR flacks.

Friday Fluffer - Lingerie Football

Game on!

In case you missed it, the best spectator sport ever devised is back. The Lingerie Football League championship is under way, the (sadly, short) season culiminating in February with the Lingerie Bowl. [link]

My team is the Tampa Bay Breeze, who lost their first game last weekend. They're a mix of young and experienced comers though, so don't be surprised if they go all the way. [link]

If I was running the league, the first thing I'd change would be the names. [link] Tampa Bay Breeze? WTF? More like the Tampa Bay Tush. Or the Tampa Bay Ta-Tas, or even the Tampa Bay Trim.

Okay, so it should be about the lingerie. The Tampa Bay Bustiers? Tampa Bay Brassieres?

Either way, these ladies rock.






Photograph from here. [link]

Foreplay by Numbers

Golf embraces the concept of foreplay too, and in the same way as sex.

Shouting FORE! = Lookout, incoming!

Golf too has rules regarding that which is allowable and that which is not, just like real foreplay. A mate of mine relates the tale of being in Greece as a youth on a drunken teenage vacation. (He's English.) Standing at a bus stop with a Scottish girl he met earlier in the evening, they got frisky. When he reached up her skirt, she put a temporary end to proceedings by declaiming "Tits first, then box" in her delightful broad brogue.

The road to paradise is strewn with dead ends and blind turns. Until you have a working knowledge of the road, it's best to stick with a few basic rules that you both understand.

1. Some form of lubricant is a good idea. Social lubricant, that is. Alcohol is the standard way of reducing inhibitions.

2. Circle your object of desire in the same way that lions stalk prey. Purr, tread softly, use your tongue, be patient.

3. Encountering resistance is normal, and shouldn't dissuade you from continuing. Divert your attention elsewhere for a while, return to the scene of disappointment. Watch the gate open.

4. Feigning and misdirection are normal elements of foreplay.

5. Remember, it's only sex. It's not like negotiating strategic arms limitation treaties. Humour helps a lot. There's a reason it's called fooling around and not seriousing around.

Foreplay Part 1.

Foreplay Part 2.

Foreplay Part 3.