Echo Boomer Ka-Boom

Depressing news for those of us who think children are the future (and not just an old song title.) In the United States, more than half ie: >50% of all live births to women under thirty are to unmarried mothers. The overall rate is 41%. And among college-educated women, that rate is rising fast.



So let's extrapolate a trend a couple of years, and just get it out in the open: By 2015 half of the children born in the US will be illegitimate. Bastards, in other words.

This fact was brought home to me yesterday, over coffee with a friend. A work colleague of his, a 28 year-old single woman, is six weeks pregnant. No, not to her husband - there is none - but to her "boyfriend" of six months. And, naturally, he's not in the frame of mind to marry her. Any bets on her becoming a single mother?

Frankly, I could care less about stupid adults who haven't the moral capacity to understand the responsibility of creating a new life. What worries me is the child, and his or her future. Arguments about marriage being "just a piece of paper" don't wash. We're dealing with not only an innocent life here, but, writ large, the future of our society. Not only do unmarried parents practically guarantee the child a life of poverty, the lack of role models and proper guidance leads to higher incidence of mental disease, addiction, anti-social activity, lower education levels and on and on.

The root of this selfishness is easy to find: current under-thirties are the children of baby boomers. Their "values" of "turn on, tune in, drop out" and "do whatever feels good" have been passed on to a new generation. Moronic males unwilling to stand up and face their responsibilities, and dopey females who seem unable to make their contraception work are blind to the fact active sex lives have consequences.

Here it is: Eventually, sex = babies. I hope that's clear.


Bottoms Up, hole-pokers in condoms.

Fuck-Me Boots: A More Practical Collection

Women love shoes, and men do too, and women know that sexy shoes give we dudes boners. If you're a woman and you want attention, you put on your Fuck-Me pumps.

Let's take this one step further. If cute lady-feet in hot shoes leads to bumping nasties, we horny folks should exhibit responsibility and use protection. What better place to keep prophylactics than on the actual shoes? That's the idea behind my new collection of shoes. Easy access will hopefully = more bonking.

Take the Wombat Louboutins, above. Not only are they extra-sexy, they come complete with one Trojan per foot, good enough for most one-night stands. (One for the night, one for the morning.)

Here's my version of the Nine West kitten-heeled peep-toe mule.






Features to note are the multiple, shag-ready condoms in a floral motif. High heels are hot, but the kitten-heel is often overlooked. It's the sexy girl-next-door look. For the less confident man, (read: shorter) women so attired are more easily approached.

And for the ultimate in rawwwrrrrr, my Knockoff Jimmy Choo gladiators. Note the condom straps integral to the construction of the shoe. Importantly, they are all of different sizes and ribbing, allowing loads of flexibility for the really active woman.







Bottoms Up, Fiery Babes.


wombat@kissnblog.com

The Boner Gap

An awkward few seconds lurk in the space between knowing she's ready and crossing the moat. The preparatory work is done, according to the following checklist:

A. Girl nearby.

B. Aroused girl nearby.

C. At least partially naked girl nearby.

(Note: These first three points might be the same girl, or three, YMMV.)

D. Boner. (Your own.)

E. Condom.



Okay, now to connect your erect penis with the willing pussy. Time to bust out the condom.

Quickly now, the clock's running.

Another checklist:

A. Locate condom.

B. Tear open condom packet.

C. Retrieve that sucker from the packet.

D. Make sure you avoid the inside-out error.

E. Roll condom on penis.

F. Fully unfurl said prophylactic.

G. Insert properly outfitted manhood into luscious love trench.



What's the timing on that? Should we say between ten and thirty seconds?

We need a name for that gap. My suggestions include:

The Boner Gap.

The Keep it Up Interregnum.

Don't Let me Down, Dude, Gap.

Say Flaccid and I'll Kill You Gap.

The Why Hasn't Condom Packaging Improved in 100 Years Gap.

The How Bad Would a Baby Be Anyway? Gap.






Bottoms Up, Condomistas!


Pic of pigtailed aweseomeness from here [link]

Hat-tip to Snaf for the inspiration.

Cooking with Condoms

Beware all you non-bareback fuckers out there. The LA Times reports that China is not only producing low-quality goods for Walmart, those sneaky commies are in your wallet or purse now too.

Millions of knock-off Trojans were produced and exported to the USA in 2008, and it turns out they're still out there. [link]

From the article:

None of the counterfeits are properly sterilized, and others are of such inferior quality that they could rupture during use. Authorities say they're all dangerous.

And:

Authorities have yet to track down more than 1 million condoms they believe have been distributed nationwide, lubricated with vegetable oil and stored in metal drums.

Lubricated with vegetable oil. Hopefully they're MSG-free, otherwise you'll bonk, and ten minutes later you'll want to do it all again.




Pic (ironically) from here [link]

One-a-Day

Warren Beatty is an ancient Hollywood star.

There is news - or what passes for news thesedays - about the number of women with whom he had sex in his past single life. The allegation (congratulation?) is that somewhere north of 12,000 different women played hide-the-sausage with Mr Beatty. The source is a newly published unauthorised biography written by Peter Biskind of Vanity Fair.

Mr Beatty claims (via his lawyer) he was misquoted and that the book contains inaccurate statements.

The 12,000 number might or might not be true. It has the smell to me of a publicity ruse; a nice big round number that newspaper 'style' and 'life' sections picked up without question. The number didn't come from 12,000 women coming forward claiming they'd been with Warren, nor were there 12,000 condoms or 12,000 soiled sheets. Mr Biskind takes an unattributed statement that Mr Beatty had sex with a new woman every day for thirty-five years, then multiplies 365 and 35 to come up with 12,775.

In other words, the source of this 'fact' is a pocket calculator.

You will be relieved to know it does not include "daytime quickies, drive-by [encounters], casual gropings, stolen kisses, and so on", writes Mr Biskind.

That is good news.




Photo of Julie Christie, apparently one of the 12,000, from here. [link]

Edited for clarity.