Date Night Shoes

Let's get down to business here and clear away the bee-ess. The world is divided into shoe-lovers and non-shoe-lovers. It can't be stated more clearly.

Here I'm referring mostly to women's shoes. Ladies, forget all the lists of stuff you are looking for in a man. Have just one requirement: the ideal bloke has spent at least ten minutes in the last week daydreaming about you in your sexiest heels. That's it! The guy who adores your feet in delicious footware will end up fulfilling every other need. Shoe-awareness is the killer dating app.

But I don't want to talk about ladies' shoes today, as much as that would give me pleasure. It's the guys who really need the help, because, like it or not, your footwear sends a powerful message - a truth most women inherently understand.

So, men, before you heading out on a date, do a little planning. Yes, I understand that most of us will dress without any forethought. We'll probably wear something that's clean and casual, jeans most likely with some kind of shirt. Most of us will avoid wife-beaters, with the overt and covert messages they send. Big-city dwellers might wear a suit; that's always good. My rule of thumb is that it's always better to err up than down, but be prepared to get some looks in Florida if you sport that Brioni three-piece in the Manatee Lounge.

Then we'll choose our date night shoes. That's where we need to get religion. Firstly, never, ever - and I mean never - wear trainers/tennis shoes on a date. They shout "foot odour" and will kill your date's nascent interest. Secondly, never take flops on a date. Ditto sandals. Feet are not equal-opportunity limbs; women's feet are the winners, and are the only kind to be seen naked in public. Keep your plates of meat hidden. Thirdly, cowboy boots are only for cowboys. If you try to pull that off, you look like you're trying too hard. All hat, no cattle, as the saying goes. Fourthly, whatever shoes you do choose, make sure the heels aren't worn down, the soles are in good repair and that they're clean and polished.

Now to the finer points. Men's shoes come in two basic varieties, lace-ups and slip-ons aka: brothel creepers. Lace-ups are always the first choice. They work well with any kind of trouser, jean or suit pant. With a little polish, they provide the - and this is important, because it's what women notice - accessorizing advantage. Quality, slightly formal shoes buff your image with the hint of luxury that women notice.

By the way, that's a word smart men understand that women live for: accessorizing.

Slip-ons can work, but you need to be careful. Those bronze-coloured alligator numbers you thought were so cool from that weekend in New Orleans will look odd in Minneapolis in March. And slip-ons don't encourage the good posture that well-made shoes naturally engender.

Here's the bottom line. Guys should always have at least one pair of quality dress shoes, kept in excellent repair. I prefer the more conservative English style, but of course the Italians win the sex-appeal stakes.



Bottoms Up, Shoe-istas.
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The Mermaid Conundrum

Long sea-borne men of yore yearned for the sight of women so much that their imaginations went nuts. The power of desire for anything feminine - together with the isolation - sent their minds on weird pathways, including morphing fish into females. Such is the power you have over us. No wonder that when explorers found themselves in places like Tahiti, with its ripely available beauties, they had to trick their crews into leaving.

The attraction of the half-fish, half woman is two-fold:

1. She cannot run away when caught.

2. She is, for the most part, bare-breasted (or close enough).

The sub-text is that the mermaid is both attainable and detainable, fitting right into the fantasy template - after all, what use is there dreaming of something uncatchable?

 (We need to think like a horny sailor stuck on a stinky sailboat during a years-long voyage here to capture the zeitgeist.)

All-in-all, mermaids are women, perfected. They're available mid-ocean if one uses the right bait, they won't escape if lured shipboard and they're sexually out there. Regarding the matter of below-the-waist details, I shall refrain from making tasteless banter about whether they de-scale. Some waters are best left uncharted.

It occurs to me that land-only ladies share at least one mermaid attraction, the high-heeled shoe. Heels hinder you running away just as a lower-half flipper slows the mermaid down. We like a little chase, but want the odds stacked on our side.



Bottoms Up, Stilletos.

I Want to Buy You Shoes. Not Really.

People are such sticklers for what's right and wrong to say on a date. Or what to/not to wear. Enthusiasm for strippers creates contempt. And honesty gets you ejected from the train one stop short of that.

Then again, there might be a reason why women react poorly to all of the above. Plus they hate manboobs.

Worth a read.



Bottoms Up, Over-Reachers.

Fuck-Me Boots: A More Practical Collection

Women love shoes, and men do too, and women know that sexy shoes give we dudes boners. If you're a woman and you want attention, you put on your Fuck-Me pumps.

Let's take this one step further. If cute lady-feet in hot shoes leads to bumping nasties, we horny folks should exhibit responsibility and use protection. What better place to keep prophylactics than on the actual shoes? That's the idea behind my new collection of shoes. Easy access will hopefully = more bonking.

Take the Wombat Louboutins, above. Not only are they extra-sexy, they come complete with one Trojan per foot, good enough for most one-night stands. (One for the night, one for the morning.)

Here's my version of the Nine West kitten-heeled peep-toe mule.






Features to note are the multiple, shag-ready condoms in a floral motif. High heels are hot, but the kitten-heel is often overlooked. It's the sexy girl-next-door look. For the less confident man, (read: shorter) women so attired are more easily approached.

And for the ultimate in rawwwrrrrr, my Knockoff Jimmy Choo gladiators. Note the condom straps integral to the construction of the shoe. Importantly, they are all of different sizes and ribbing, allowing loads of flexibility for the really active woman.







Bottoms Up, Fiery Babes.


wombat@kissnblog.com

Holes in Socks

Manliness is many things. The many things include knowing how to repair a balky carburettor, the ability to distinguish cows from bulls, and panache when stringing a tennis racquet. Others don't necessarily see it this way, but eventually everyone comes to understand that the quality "Man" doesn't reside in your trousers.

Which is a nice segue into the problem with men and trousers, and our clothing items in general. We have favourites. Yes, I know it's progressive and compassionate not to discriminate, but the fact remains that all guys pick winners among their wardrobe.

I, for instance, own many shirts, but the one closest to my heart is a putty-coloured camp shirt. It just feels so right, and I know that I will wear it way beyond the point at which it should be a car-wash de-greasing rag. Way beyond.

This is a common thread thread in most men's lives. Once we find the perfect pair of jeans, we'll wear them until they're more hole than denim. Socks, the same. Underduds, the same. We simply cannot bring ourselves to toss out perfectly serviceable garments (oh, and shoes, too) in favour of new stuff.

We like our friends, and mistrust strangers. It's part of being a man.


Bottoms up, fashionistas.





Pic from here [link]