Groupon

Before too long, we won't refer to people as:

This is Amelia - she's from my book club.

It'll be all:

Let me introduce Suzette - we're members of the same swingers' group.

Which has benefits. Instead of ploughing through insufferable Oprah-approved tomes of PC claptrap, we'll be talking about...how that broad likes being ploughed wheelbarrow-style, how that one likes a little suffocation, and how to deal with The Clap. In a mutually supportive and compassionate way, of course. 

Swingers, too, want to make a difference. Or, more accurately, want someone different - a lot of someones different. It's all the same, though, right?

Be careful, however. Not everyone is hip to group sex as the new social networking. Pity Deborah Sherman, who lost her gig with a Denver television station. As the Denver Post delicately asked:

Did her termination have something to do with the story about a prescription-abusing doctor, whom Sherman met on a swinger website? 

Titanic. Debster's been unfairly victimized here, but I sense there's more to the story. Work for an investigative journalist perhaps?



Bottoms Up, Bottoms Uppers.

Friday Fluffer - The Vascularized Vagina

Ridiculous political correctness aside, it seems that scientific evidence falls heavily on the side of the male ejaculate being particularly good for women. Listen to your vascularized vagina, ladies, kitty knows what she wants.

As far as humans are concerned, you may think you know all about sexual signals, but you’d be surprised by new findings. It’s been known since the 1990s that heterosexual women living together synchronize their menstrual cycles because of pheromones, but when a study of lesbians showed that they do not synchronize, the researchers suspected that semen played a role. In fact, they found ingredients in semen that include mood enhancers like estrone, cortisol, prolactin, oxytocin, and serotonin; a sleep enhancer, melatonin; and of course, sperm, which makes up only 1%-5%. Delivering these compounds into the richly vascularized vagina also turns out to have major salutary effects for the recipient. Female college students having unprotected sex were significantly less depressed than were those whose partners used condoms (Arch. Sex. Behav. 2002;31:289-93). Their better moods were not just a feature of promiscuity, because women using condoms were just as depressed as those practicing total abstinence. The benefits of semen contact also were seen in fewer suicide attempts and better performance on cognition tests.



Bottoms Up, Hot Bitches.

Earthy Women

Photo Credit.

Vegetables are good for you, but can the same be said for earthy women? And just what is an earthy woman anyway?

This is my definition, which will be unlike yours:

Earthy women smell like loam and horse dung, have grit under their fingernails and hair everywhere. They're back to nature types, tie-dyed and be-sandaled, keen on doulas and dope.

Earthy women aren't that easy to find any more. Some died of drug overdose in the seventies, others left for hippie communes and a life of kaftans and chanting, never to venture back into society. Some even had children, who, in that delightful way kids have of hacking off their parents, went on to become accountants and Christians.

A sense of humour is not normally associated with earthy women - don't confuse earthy jokes with earthiness; they're worlds apart. And absolutely don't make jokes at their expense, they'll rip your bloody leg off if you demean women in any way.

Sex with earthy girls is something I have done, but here's what grossed me out: earthy women have dirty feet. That's a great quality for a plant, maybe not for a close encounter.



Bottoms Up, Friends of the Earth!

Showering With Friends

I like the colour pink, and was told once that it suits me by a 'colour consultant.'

She was one of those women who flourish in fat good times, when people have money to waste on the kind of women who convince us they can change our lives by removing taupe from our 'wardrobe palette'. For a stupid big fee.

As a result, I used to wear pink business shirts - with blue and dark pink ties in case the message that pink is good for me wasn't completely obvious. Pink supposedly says 'gay' but I'm sufficiently at ease with my sexuality to be unconcerned. Perhaps that's the thing about pink on heterosexual men; it's ironic.

Times are far from fat, and I haven't tripped over a colour consultant in days. I could have used one in SuperTarget this morning, as I searched for a shower-curtain. Naturally, I was drawn to the pink one. It spoke to me in a way that none of the others could, hinting at loofahs and sharing hot water and scented body-wash with a lady friend. Grrrr. Give me a slippery, soapy wench, someone.

But an evil voice spoke up: What does a pink shower curtain say about you, Mister? Will that lady friend be so keen to lather up if she thinks you're a pink shower-curtain kinda lad?

So it came to pass that, right there in the bathroom section of SuperTarget, I gave in to the evil voice. I chose the shower-curtain with the aqua, teal and navy-blue dots. The days of pink are over.

Oh, and China? If you insist on sending me your cheap-jack shoddy plastic shower-curtains, you could have the respect to actually punch out the holes for the rings. Fucking jokers. And Target? Ten bucks for that? You're even worse. Screw you, too.



Bottoms Up, Shoppers!