Showering With Friends

I like the colour pink, and was told once that it suits me by a 'colour consultant.'

She was one of those women who flourish in fat good times, when people have money to waste on the kind of women who convince us they can change our lives by removing taupe from our 'wardrobe palette'. For a stupid big fee.

As a result, I used to wear pink business shirts - with blue and dark pink ties in case the message that pink is good for me wasn't completely obvious. Pink supposedly says 'gay' but I'm sufficiently at ease with my sexuality to be unconcerned. Perhaps that's the thing about pink on heterosexual men; it's ironic.

Times are far from fat, and I haven't tripped over a colour consultant in days. I could have used one in SuperTarget this morning, as I searched for a shower-curtain. Naturally, I was drawn to the pink one. It spoke to me in a way that none of the others could, hinting at loofahs and sharing hot water and scented body-wash with a lady friend. Grrrr. Give me a slippery, soapy wench, someone.

But an evil voice spoke up: What does a pink shower curtain say about you, Mister? Will that lady friend be so keen to lather up if she thinks you're a pink shower-curtain kinda lad?

So it came to pass that, right there in the bathroom section of SuperTarget, I gave in to the evil voice. I chose the shower-curtain with the aqua, teal and navy-blue dots. The days of pink are over.

Oh, and China? If you insist on sending me your cheap-jack shoddy plastic shower-curtains, you could have the respect to actually punch out the holes for the rings. Fucking jokers. And Target? Ten bucks for that? You're even worse. Screw you, too.



Bottoms Up, Shoppers!

Pull Yourself to Bits

How refreshing to see male masturbation out in the open. Not completely out in the open, you understand, but on the teev. And not for reals, more acted out than naturalistic. From the waist up. Actually, it was more a hint than anything else. Still, for an act so popular and so little discussed it was a decent start.

Saturday night Mr Nights and I were watching Californication, Season One. I don't watch television, indeed don't even own one, so it was a treat to see so many naked women, gorgeous breasts and rampant shagging on the box. Where has this show been hiding? It's like twenty-seven minutes of guy fantasy/Penthouse letters acted by beautiful and sometimes teenaged women.

Episode Two, I think it was, showed a secondary character (a man) discovering naughty photographs of his sexetary on the internet. He does what every bloke with a pulse would do, to wit: grab his schlong and manipulate it to erection and orgasm. We don't see any of this, of course. The shot (camera shot) is of him behind a desk, head and torso only. Masturbation is implied.


Sidebar: Odd, to my mind, that all kinds of m/f congress is shown in this show, but the penis is evidently not yet ready for prime-time. Double standard, no? End sidebar.


My quibble about this male jerk-off scene is that it looked too much like the Meg Ryan orgasm scene from When Harry met Sally. Frankly, I thought her rendition was a little actorly, but Evan Handler's rendition of the male O in Californication was quite over the top. For a start he was too vocal. Masturbating men will tell you that it's all about what's going on in your brain, and the link between the physical manipulation and one's imagination. It's a silent, internal thing. Also, he lasted only about fifteen seconds, which is totally not the point. The idea of wanking is to prolong those endorphin-fuelled feelings for as long as possible; orgasm is just the icing on the cake.

Maybe a grunt or two at the crowning glory stage is normal, but all that gasping for breathe and "Oh God" shit is pure chick. (Although when one is having sex with a woman, it's natural to up the verbal communication factor. Natural and automatic, I submit.)

Which gives me an idea. I wonder if it wouldn't be smart for couples, early on in the relationship, to watch each other get themselves off. In fact, I'd go further and say the earlier, the better. It would save a lot of time finding out what the other person likes. First date masturbating? That might be taking it too far, but at least it's creative.



Bottoms Up, Self-Pleasurers!



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