That's Not a Killer Whale, Tommy, That's An Orca.

Married male friends enjoy it when I ask:

So, how's life in captivity?

The usual response is some form of personal insult.

Now, I'm not foolish enough to think that married men are unhappy, because the evidence is that they're not. They're wealthier, healthier and likely enjoying a more fulfilling sex life than any singleton. And if they're not benefiting from better and more regular sex, it's their own fault.

My captivity jibe contains just a tiny amount of truth, in that the natural enemy of the single man is his married friend's wife. Wives dislike and discourage single buddies for the same reason men obsess over chickweed in the lawn - exotic species are insidious reminders of the wild kingdom.

The way this tension often resolves is that men gradually give up single buddies. Given the choice between justifying a night out with single men and avoiding explanations to the wife, most will choose the latter. It's a mistake, to the extent that man's mental health is improved by the companionship of other men. The decision to avoid single guys altogether can lead to a decline in all kinds of male friendships; obviously a bad idea.

I think the real trick is to keep the single guys on a restricted venue basis. No titty bars, no big boozy nights, no questionable fellow travelers - and that's up to married guy enforcement. I'd suggest that finding a way to graft a prior single life onto married life before you actually get married is worthy of serious thought. Otherwise you'll find yourself feeling as if you're an exhibit at Seaworld, pretending to enjoy living in a bathtub eating frozen mackerel.



Bottoms Up, Seaworld Dwellers.

Friday Fluffer - Who's a lesbian now then?

Like anyone cares, but Meredith Baxter* (pictured) has found the confines of her closet somewhat restrictive, and exited with a new title: lesbian. Yay her. I mention this only because of the article in which I read this news, which quoted an academic person thusly:

While evidence is anecdotal, "the consensus in the field is that these late-life transitions are more common for women than men," said Lisa Diamond, a professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah. Her book, "Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire," posits that women's sexual feelings are more complicated than straight or gay, and may change over a lifetime. [link]

It reminded me of some other research in which I personally participated:

While evidence is anecdotal, "the consensus in the field is that Wombat attracts more women after he's had a glass or two of red wine," said a source. "It's more common for women to realize they want to bed a burrowing marsupial once his tongue's loosened by alcohol." The source, a graduate student of Wombat Studies, said "Marsupials are complicated. It's not as easy as you might think, what with the nocturnality and so on. The women often change their minds in the morning."

Or this, sent to me by a friend:

While evidence is anecdotal, "the consensus in the field is that girl-on-girl action is more likely to occur when money changes hands," said Maria Sappho, an associate professor. Her thesis is entitled 'Hookers and Poon: why guys have to pay professionals to live out their fantasies.' "Threesomes involving one man and two women are more complicated than pornographic movies suggest," Maria said. "Cash probably works, unless one of the girls has a credit card reader. The guy often feels regret when he checks his credit card statement."





Quote of the day: Gardening experts Mary Henry and Margaret Purcell like to joke that "we slept together for years before we realized we were lesbians."

*Meredith.[link]

Pic of Meredith direct from her agent. And pretty much everywhere on the internet when you search her.

Cuba Libre

"You're the kind of guy I'd like to show the ropes. We'd have a good time together."

This, then, my first invitation to visit Havana, from a man of my very recent acquaintance. My guy has visited many times despite being an American travelling on a United States passport. There are people in Miami who make travel to Cuba possible despite the....difficult situation between the two countries. Problems have a price, and that price is $800 per person. This won't be an obstacle for me; I would use my Australian passport.

What, you might ask, am I doing flying to Havana with a stranger? Well, it's not for the surf, and it's not for the health care. It's not for the luxury hotels, and it's not to purchase a new car. And it's not to exercise my right to free expression or make political hay. The draw - according to my newest buddy - is the hookers, who are the best and most willing in the western hemisphere.

In a country where "...everyone is so happy..." it seems that pretty much any woman you see can be yours for a few greenbacks. You need a man to grease the wheels, of course, but there are lots of really straight shooters who know tons of really nice girls. Schoolteachers, office workers, nurses, that kind of thing. And you don't have to worry, they're all clean, as long as you have the right guy in place.

Most of them are in their early twenties, happy to hang around the house we'll rent for the week. And, boy, do those Latin people enjoy their sex. Not like American women; they're uninhibited and really enjoy it. In fact, they often say that if you want more, just raise your hand, and they're ready. Of course, it's another hundred bucks, but hell, what does that get you Stateside?

So here's what we're going to do: give me your number and email. I've got two good buddies who aren't loudmouths, and the four of us will plan a date in February. For two thousand dollars each we'll have all the food, booze, cigars and pussy we can eat - ha ha! - and party 24/7. Man, it'll be fun. But we need to be careful. The government runs everything there you know, and although they don't want to arrest us, the girls and my main guy there have to grease the wheels at every level. That's why you need me.

Whaddaya say. Let's go get those babes!






This, from a seventy year-old married man with six children, twenty grand-children and a wife who thinks he travels to take architectural photos.


Here is how I met this dude. [link]