Sex is Awkward

You might think that the natural companion to sex with a new lover is satisfaction, right? That might be partially true, but awkwardness will be an acquaintance for at least part of that journey.

Sex is the natural outflow of physical attraction and desire, like a volcano combines crustal weakness and hot magma. Mmmmmmm, magma. Volcanoes, unlike us, aren't raised to have self-awareness, which means that they don't get embarrassed when they leak molten rock all over the duvet. A spurting volcanic eruption, wide open caldera, full-throated screaming and frantic bubbling are the hallmarks of vociferous volcanology.

Once the pressure is released, so to speak, there exists a gap in time where the passion subsides, and reality returns. My thinking is that the awkwardness we feel in that immediate aftermath of an...eruption is part embarrassment at revealing our unvarnished, animal side, and part wondering whether our new partner thinks we're okay.

Will they think enough of us to come check out our geophysics a second time, or will they just want to toss us a bunch of virgins?



Bottoms Up, Hot Pockets of Love.

Nerds, Goths, Jocks, Dweebs, Motorheads and Geeks.

Attracting persons of interest - in the romantic relationshippy way, not the FBI way - is a perennial problem. Despite millenia of evolution and generations of practice, lots of us still struggle, and matters appear to be getting more complicated. Finding the right partner thesedays is like peeling an onion; there are many layers, and it sometimes ends in tears.

Miss Min elegantly describes her onion:

"I go for the nerd, hands down. But not the ones that still live in their parents' basement, have a lifetime subscription to World of Warcraft and list "Klingon" as one of their native languages. I like the ones that are slightly enigmatic, slightly socially inept, disgustingly intelligent and can match my aptitude for conversations in randomness."

This definition is remarkably well drawn. Having a clear picture is both a blessing and a curse, a little like eating the same thing for lunch every day. Nerd sandwich might be filling and nutritious, but when something really tasty and new pops up on the menu, you might not know it. However, having a starting point is, well, a good start.

That's my train of thought for this week: can we stereotype the kinds of guys ladies like, and what are those stereotypes?

By the way, Miss Min, your ideal guy sounds a lot like Ferris Bueller.



More on K & B: Stereotypes Part Two, Stereotypes Part Three.

Alpha Male-doom

If Alpha males are defined as the leaders, where does that leave the rest of us?

Alphadom in primates and humans is about having the most opportunities at reproduction for yourself, and minimizing those of all other males. There is evidence from the chimpanzee world that Alphas are less aggressive in keeping related males away from the babes than they are with unrelated competitors. That tells us it's all about the genetics, passing along as much of your DNA as possible, as well as the very similar DNA of your brothers and cousins.

In short, Alphas are Alphas because they want, and get, more babies.

In our world matters are more subtle. The reason we aren't like the chimps is because we have complex language. That has, in turn (or coincidentally, depending upon who you read) allowed us to stop being foragers and settle in increasingly abstract communities, starting with multiple family groups, and ending with Calcutta.

Important point: the reason we can live in cities without the Alphas taking us back to the law of the jungle is because language allows males to work together for the good of the society. One way of imagining this is to think of chimps as having a really steep sex-power gradient between the most powerful Alpha and the lowliest male. In human co-operative societies, that gradient is significantly flattened; the lowest male still has a decent shot at reproduction, and won't likely be cock-blocked by the local Alpha.

So in western societies in particular, we're all Alphas now if you define your 'world' closely enough. In a family of man, woman, and immature children, the identity of the Alpha male is obvious. But how useful is it for this regular guy to think and behave like the biologically defined Alpha?

I contend it's time for a new paradigm, a new way for guys to be Alpha-ish without the conflict and aggression of the animal Alpha that lives in our DNA. I think it can be done.