The Dating Gods

A bunch of men exist who know exactly how to 'level up' with women. These are the guys who have the instinctive ability to find, bed and wed the most desirable females at will. They don't need to even think about it.

We meet these dudes in high school. They're the ones who always had a girlfriend, and kept her with their smile alone. They're also the guys who had sex with their girlfriends, effortlessly, and, given their confidence, more competently than men double their age. They're the guys who just knew shit about girls, and apparently always did, as if they'd been kissed on the dick by a fairy at birth.

You know the type, right? Guys like this were a step above and beyond mere journeyman women-lovers like me. Even at this distance, I could name them all from my Year 12 class. I can see them now, flirting with their many female admirers, making it look easy. How could they keep that group of seventeen-year-old-hormone-addled schoolgirls rapt for the entire lunch-hour? It just wasn't fair.

Ahem.

At a guess, they make up somewhere south of 5% of the male population. And they're not all handsome, sporty types, either. Sometimes they are simply good communicators, or they're funny, or skilled at operating in groups. Oftentimes they look to be working effortlessly, because although they care, they never look like they care. It's a form of magic.

I chose my metaphor about 'leveling up' carefully. Especially in high school, the precise status of the relationship you have with your girlfriend is calibrated in very fine increments. Just where you are on the road to hands-in-her-pants or bare breastedness is measured zipper-tooth by bra-hook. This might be because all of this is general knowledge - after all, what's the point of finally getting your finger wet if no-one in the school quadrangle knows about it? High-school dating is nothing if not a group ritual.

'Leveling up' is from the gaming world, of course, the other obsession of teenaged boys. The irony is that those nerd-types who can easily level-up in video world demonstrate inversely proportional skills in a real life world filled with females. The nerdy types might know all the hacks to reach the ultimate game level, but the 5 percenters know all the hacks to get to the ultimate girl level.

So here we are, years later, and I still see the 5 percenters getting all the babes. Some of them turned out to be gay, for sure. Others kept leveling up, and, unable to settle, are still measuring their lives by numbers of ladies bedded. But I think most of them married (good lookers) and had all the same difficulties in life as everyone else. Still and all, they have that effortlessness that most of us will forever envy, even if they are totally unaware of it.


Bottoms Up, All-Knowing Ones.

You Belong With Me?

She's cute and mighty popular and won't ever struggle to pay her electricity bill, but doesn't Taylor Swift remind you of Kathy Bates in Misery?

The song says it all: it's the story of a teenaged girl infatuated with a guy who bypassed her for a better model.

Taylor's the only one who gets his humour.
Taylor's the only one who understands him.
Taylor's the only one who really knows what he wants - Taylor.

Nothing stalkerish about that.

Is she planning to abduct this dude and chain him up at her place?
To save his life, will he confess that he hates his cheerleader girlfriend with the heels and short skirts?
Does the dude end up with broken legs after he tries to escape?

We understand that all relationships are fundamentally sado-masochist in nature - someone has the power, and the other likes it.

But some people just take it a little too far.





Bottoms Up, Country Musicians.

Proximity Breeds Love

High school is a seething swamp of sexual tension. Conventional thinking has it that it's because every pimply pubescent is a vat of hormones pushing them to rub nasties at any opportunity.

Okay, that's probably true, but there's another overlooked element of high school, which is proximity. In every class, those punks are an arms-length away from the opposite sex. For eight hours a day there are dozens of possible partners around you, close by, sharing the same experience. Everyone's so close.

Workplaces are similar, but not exactly the same. The cubicle stymies contact. Offices with doors separate people. Very few working situations replicate one's teenage years.

But if you want to find a man, find a place with lots of men. If you want a woman, find where the women work. Familiarity breeds interest, not contempt. Being close in an everyday kind of way creates a petri dish in which romance might grow. Like a fungus.




Bottoms Up, Proximates!


Office girl photo from cubicle chic blog [link]

High School Archetypes

The archetypes we become later in life are born in high school, the point at which I think we're rawest as humans. Australian archetypes are a little different than the American, but fall into the same general categories. Sadly, lots of people get stuck in their high school persona. Rare is the individual who begins, say, as The Jock, and matures into The Brain, although it's possible for anyone to tumble down the ladder to being The Criminal. White collar crime sucks like that.

The Nerd, for example, will likely be a life-long nerd. That's not to say he can't morph at the edges. Perhaps he winds up at Goldman Sachs running the country and ripping off taxpayers with clever trading algorithms. He'll wear Italian suits, but probably won't appreciate them as costumes of beauty. To him equations are hot; Armani's not.

The Nerd is probably the archetype of the moment, possibly at the top of the wanted list by women. Nerds can have qualities that I think are like catnip for felines. [Edit: typed felines, meant females. Telling, no?] For one, they're not good communicators. That can be interpreted as mystery in the imagination of a nerd-centric chick, and so instead of being just silent, The Nerd looks to her like James Bond - strong and silent, with everything left unsaid.

In 1989, he just looked mousy.

Nerds too are a shopping mall of characteristics ripe for change. In case you're reading this and have never met a woman, women love (love!) to change men. I often contemplate that women have the 'remodelling' gene, because they can always find something to alter. The typical nerd has remodelling potential in his wardrobe, in his house, in his hairstyle, in his eating habits, in his weekends, in his automobile, in his vacation choice; frankly, Nerds would be better off wearing a sandwich board that says "Renovator's Delight".

Lest you think I think all members of an archetype family are the same, I don't. We're talking generalizations here, and of course there is wide variety within all groups. I'll write more about that tomorrow. But I do believe that we tend to stick with who we were at seventeen unless we consciously recognize it and change our lives accordingly.

Luckily, beauty (or handsomeness) is in the eye of the beholder, so although we men might be stuck, women's view of us can change to the point where a quality that was out of favour in 1999 (thrift, sensible non debt-fuelled lifestyle) might end up being the honeypot for ladies in 2009.

Don't despair, dudes, just be yourself. Even if you do change clothes in a phone box, someone will ravish you eventually.



More on K & B: Stereotypes Part One, Stereotypes Part Three.

Nerds, Goths, Jocks, Dweebs, Motorheads and Geeks.

Attracting persons of interest - in the romantic relationshippy way, not the FBI way - is a perennial problem. Despite millenia of evolution and generations of practice, lots of us still struggle, and matters appear to be getting more complicated. Finding the right partner thesedays is like peeling an onion; there are many layers, and it sometimes ends in tears.

Miss Min elegantly describes her onion:

"I go for the nerd, hands down. But not the ones that still live in their parents' basement, have a lifetime subscription to World of Warcraft and list "Klingon" as one of their native languages. I like the ones that are slightly enigmatic, slightly socially inept, disgustingly intelligent and can match my aptitude for conversations in randomness."

This definition is remarkably well drawn. Having a clear picture is both a blessing and a curse, a little like eating the same thing for lunch every day. Nerd sandwich might be filling and nutritious, but when something really tasty and new pops up on the menu, you might not know it. However, having a starting point is, well, a good start.

That's my train of thought for this week: can we stereotype the kinds of guys ladies like, and what are those stereotypes?

By the way, Miss Min, your ideal guy sounds a lot like Ferris Bueller.



More on K & B: Stereotypes Part Two, Stereotypes Part Three.