Here's To You Mrs Robinson

Nothing like a slice of seduction pie to give you an appetite for stockings and hotel-room afternoons. Hotel sex is great because inside those walls the congress is guilt-free, something to do with the air freshener Lupe and Consuelo spray or the dwarf bathroom supplies. If I am mistaken and that smell isn't the whiff of guilt-free bonking, it must be some other factor of which I'm unaware - the fact of someone else laundering the dried-fluid-soaked sheets, perhaps. Yum.

Anne Bancroft seducing Dustin Hoffman wouldn't work in a film thesedays. He'd be (1) totally into the MILF action from the get-go, and (2) would have no concern at remaining a slacker shagger of bored housewives for the rest of his days. The Graduate's problem is that it drills mightily into the boring questions, such as why is Tootsie staring like a goober at the best gams he's likely to see...in bare feet? No, that's the kind of question it should be asking, and doesn't. Damned Hollywood.

Dustin's a dope to worry his cute tousled hair-do over whether to choose his Cougar or the Cougar's daughter, a question that I think Bill Clinton resolved years ago. Choose them both, and a bacon burger to go. Actually it's men who just wanna have fun, Cyndi Lauper.




Bottoms Up, Mes Enfants!


Pic of Dustin and Anne from The Graduate, but this version is from here. [link]

Cold Hard Steel.

Gayle is my pet Cougar. She's fortyish, single, direct and horny, the four food groups that sustain Cougars. To round out her qualifications, she's into younger men for sex alone, the catnip no Cougar can resist. We're friends, but I have plans for her as an advisor.

I didn't know she was my pet Cougar until last Friday night. Over H-Hour drinks we had a frank and earnest discussion about the virtues and vices of men with pierced tongues. That is a subject about which I know nothing.

Naturally, when I think of cold hard steel I think of my penis. Well not my penis exactly, but a woman's tongue-stud providing extra stimulation for my penis during fellatio. Judging by the way Gayle's eyes rolled back in their sockets and her uncontrollable leg-shaking, a man using his own tongue-stud on a Cougar's cooter works as well for women as for men, orgasm/pleasure-wise. Or even pre-orgasm/pleasure-wise.

All that eye-fluttering and invoking the Lord was for demonstration purposes only. I certainly wasn't providing her with pleasure, what with my virgin tongue and the other drinkers and all. But the memory of her (much) younger lover using his accessorized tongue to good effect gave her performance depth. She really dug the steel-on-clit feeling. Like a ball-bearing in Spam, I guess.

Bottoms up, pierced ones!






Graph from here [link]

Ladies Night

Thursday last week at around nine pm I felt like a couple of coldies at my local boozer. Angie wasn't working, so I couldn't indulge myself in Pink Squirrel-type banter. And Miles, who shakes a very good classic martini and is unusually adept at jokes at other people's expense, was pre-occupied - pre-occupied with his own search for country pie by the looks. Tending bar must be a top-ten way to access bulk trim.


So I happily chatted with the guy next to me and enjoyed my drink. India Pale Ale, with its aromatic, honeyed nose and nifty back-of-the-throat kick perfectly hit the spot.

At the beer-apex, around two drinks, I swivelled around and noticed that the bar had turned into something God-awful. It looked like the trade show from hell, with unctuous males panting to make a sale, and cock-sure females knowing they were in the dickie seat. Yes, you guessed it. Thursday night is Ladies Night, and the exhibitors and prospects were pouring in the door.

The idea's simple. Females drink (tiny pours in plastic cups) for free. Males pay full-price-plus (and sip from a regular glass.) Honey-bees home to flowers; whales swim to breeding grounds; salesman promise the world. It's the same old game, with a little less smokescreen.

Quote of the night came from the token cougar in heat: Oh Lord, they're not much older than my son. I just hope he won't recognize mine in the morning.






Stiff drink picture from here [link]

Edited because I was too clever to check the spelling of 'unctuous'.

Miss Cougar

Yeah, my invitation was lost in the mail.

Miss Cougar 2009 was crowned at a big party in Crazyfornia last week.

Congratulations, Gloria Navarro.

*

Cynical observation of the night, from the SFGate article:

Watching from a distance was hotel guest Mark Friedman, 45, of Boston, in town for a wedding.

"I've never seen so many useless 20-year-olds in my life," he said. "This is a uniquely American phenomenon."

*

Cougars Part One, Cougars Part Two, Cougars Part Three.

Photo by Hardy Wilson via FoxNews.

Too good to be true

Sorry to say, men, but the Cougar deal is not unalloyed bonking and cocktails.

According to the Cougar Report 2009*, the 'New Cougars' have evolved to become far smarter and more sophisticated in how they go about attracting and dating younger men, and guys had better adapt too if they want to keep up.

The research shows that most modern cougars have moved on from the trendy bar-hopping ways of Samantha from 'Sex and the City' or man-eating Stifler's mom from 'American Pie'.

Rather than a night out at a glitzy cocktail bar or nightclub, the ideal date for a cougar woman is actually a cosy local restaurant or a home cooked meal; emphasizing a strong desire for romance as well as 'no strings fun'.

And younger men who are looking for a sugar mama better not go 'cougar hunting' because it turns out that most cougars either let the man pay for dinner or insist on splitting the check; perhaps a handy way to filter out the gold diggers and 'players'.

If I was Cougarbait, this would be bad news. The whole point of being a young dude and hooking up with an older woman is that it is not like dating a woman your own age. Split the check? Cosy local restaurants? WTF? We want Cougars to be like Stifler's mum.

Reversion to type makes me think Cougarism has jumped the shark.

*

Cougars Part One, Cougars Part Two, Cougars Part Four.

*Survey from Cougared.com, from whom I receive no money, promotion, or even free access.

Marry an older woman

According to the BBC*:

The proportion of brides in England and Wales marrying a younger man rose from 15% to 26% in the years from 1963 to 1998, it said.

The percentage of women marrying a man at least six years younger more than doubled in that time, from 3% to 7%.

The report concluded people were now marrying less for social status and more to fulfil "individual goals".

That's clear enough. In 35 years the proportion of Cougars successfully bagging a younger guy increased by 133%. Good for them. My question revolves around 'individual goals'. What individual goal is met by marrying a younger - or even much younger - man?

I have an idea. Individual goals include:

~ wanting a harder-bodied man than those in her age-group.

~ wanting a more malleable man than those in her age-group.

~ wanting a trophy.

~ wanting to show her virility (or should that be fertility?)

~ wanting someone to look after her in old age.

Remarkable. These reasons look to be exactly the same ones that attract men to younger women, with one exception.


Cougars Part One, Cougars Part Three, Cougars Part Four.


*The statistical study is here.

What is a Cougar?

I had no idea such places existed. There is a dating site called 'Cougared.com' which touts itself as "...the quality cougar dating site that specializes in bringing together older women and younger men online."

An intriguing idea this, especially if you are a 24 to 27 year-old man (aka: primo cougarbait) or a Cougar, neither of which I am.

[Sidebar: Is Cougar a proper noun, requiring Capitalization, or not, therefore requiring none? End sidebar.]

The reason I'm writing about this is because of an email I received from Rachel, a flack at Cougared.com. K&B attracts one or two PR-types a week looking to have their products or people promoted. They offer no compensation, of course, but this one is different because: one, I'm interested in the cougar phenomenon; and two, Rachel had at least read the blog.

Cougars are interesting at the very least because it's one case where women behave in exactly the same way as men. Older guys chasing (much) younger women is passé. We don't call such men 'lions' or 'striped siberian tigers'. They're just icky old dudes. When women do the same thing, they get a title, websites and college sporting teams named after them.

But let's not focus entirely on Cougars. Let's make this week's topic about age differences between men and women in relationships.

Does half the man's age plus seven years work for women too?

*

Cougars Part Two, Cougars Part Three, Cougars Part Four.

Previously on Kiss & Blog: Dirty Thirties.