The Two Sides of Eve

Optimism rules in the dating game, right?

If it wasn't that way, we'd all spend nights with a movie and steamed veg medley for one. Dating is a high-energy, high-positivity impulse. Past success is no guarantee of future outcomes as the disclaimers have it, no more so than when looking for a mate. Let's face it, for every successful relationship we develop, how many duds must we run through? If dating were a business, no-one would participate.

Because we all have such high hopes for new prospects, we rarely start from the other side. By the other side, I mean the qualities we don't like in a person. Wouldn't it be interesting to find out the worst of someone first, and then decide if we could date them?

No-nos might include addiction to drugs, booze or gambling; any kind of mental disorder including depression; constant chatter about exes etc. But there are more complex and specific ways in which we behave that might not fit, high on that list for me being an inability to fight fair.

All couples will fight. Disagreements, misunderstandings, unmet expectations, fouled communications and plain pissed-off-for-no-reason-ness will find their way into any relationship given enough time. The ongoing difficulty with fighting is that men and women tend to fight in different ways.


Generalization:

Men tend to fight with logic.

Women tend to fight with emotion.


I understand that it's not always the case - and not true specifically in yours - but I think they are reasonable characterizations. But because different fighting styles mean we're looking for different kinds of resolutions, fighting can often lead to more fighting. A satisfying resolution for the logician probably won't satisfy the emoter, and vice versa. They're looking for different things. 


I've taken to asking the women I know:

How do you fight? Do you fight fair?


They have all so far replied with thoughtful variations on this:

Yes, I mostly fight fair, with the exception of fights about infidelity.



The definition of fighting fair will vary from person to person. But I think it's a reasonable question to ask in the first few dates, just to see what happens.



Bottoms Up, Downside Explorers.