Here's To You Mrs Robinson

Nothing like a slice of seduction pie to give you an appetite for stockings and hotel-room afternoons. Hotel sex is great because inside those walls the congress is guilt-free, something to do with the air freshener Lupe and Consuelo spray or the dwarf bathroom supplies. If I am mistaken and that smell isn't the whiff of guilt-free bonking, it must be some other factor of which I'm unaware - the fact of someone else laundering the dried-fluid-soaked sheets, perhaps. Yum.

Anne Bancroft seducing Dustin Hoffman wouldn't work in a film thesedays. He'd be (1) totally into the MILF action from the get-go, and (2) would have no concern at remaining a slacker shagger of bored housewives for the rest of his days. The Graduate's problem is that it drills mightily into the boring questions, such as why is Tootsie staring like a goober at the best gams he's likely to see...in bare feet? No, that's the kind of question it should be asking, and doesn't. Damned Hollywood.

Dustin's a dope to worry his cute tousled hair-do over whether to choose his Cougar or the Cougar's daughter, a question that I think Bill Clinton resolved years ago. Choose them both, and a bacon burger to go. Actually it's men who just wanna have fun, Cyndi Lauper.




Bottoms Up, Mes Enfants!


Pic of Dustin and Anne from The Graduate, but this version is from here. [link]

Can we leave the light on?

Laughable.

Can we leave the light on?

Well, yeah, otherwise how will I be able to see what I'm doing?





Bottoms Up, Ninjas!



Ronin thanks to [link]

The Boner Gap

An awkward few seconds lurk in the space between knowing she's ready and crossing the moat. The preparatory work is done, according to the following checklist:

A. Girl nearby.

B. Aroused girl nearby.

C. At least partially naked girl nearby.

(Note: These first three points might be the same girl, or three, YMMV.)

D. Boner. (Your own.)

E. Condom.



Okay, now to connect your erect penis with the willing pussy. Time to bust out the condom.

Quickly now, the clock's running.

Another checklist:

A. Locate condom.

B. Tear open condom packet.

C. Retrieve that sucker from the packet.

D. Make sure you avoid the inside-out error.

E. Roll condom on penis.

F. Fully unfurl said prophylactic.

G. Insert properly outfitted manhood into luscious love trench.



What's the timing on that? Should we say between ten and thirty seconds?

We need a name for that gap. My suggestions include:

The Boner Gap.

The Keep it Up Interregnum.

Don't Let me Down, Dude, Gap.

Say Flaccid and I'll Kill You Gap.

The Why Hasn't Condom Packaging Improved in 100 Years Gap.

The How Bad Would a Baby Be Anyway? Gap.






Bottoms Up, Condomistas!


Pic of pigtailed aweseomeness from here [link]

Hat-tip to Snaf for the inspiration.

Another Notch on my Bedpost.

Another weekend passed without scoring, another play period without a notch carved on my bedpost. At the moment I'm suffering from sweeheart deficiency disorder, for which I shall soon be obtaining treatment. It's gotta a be a syndrome of some sort; a chronic problem like this must be treatable with a really expensive drug.

And by the way, why do we surreptitiously keep score? What difference does the total number of people with whom we have conducted coitus make? If my instinct is correct there's a curve out there that looks something like the trajectory of a low-orbit rocket launch - after a certain number of partners, it's all just floating about in space.

I would like to create a large-scale experiment. Men on the hunt for pussy would split into two groups. The first group would, during the chat-up phase, say they'd had sex with only two women ever in their lives. The other half would explicitly make mention that they'd had sex with twenty women. What's your bet as to the outcome?

And what's with all that notches on bedposts carpentry b.s. anyway? It's SO two centuries ago. Surely there's an iPhone app for that now. Sheesh. I wish these metaphors would automatically update.




Bottoms Up.


Stud from here [link]

Edited for split infinitives.