State of the Nation, Dating

How are we doing? Is dating working for you? Is dating being real, or could it use a stint in rehab?

My working philosophy is that meeting and uncovering new people is more complicated than ever. Like the cereal aisle in the supermarket (or the dry pasta aisle, or the juice department for that matter) choices abound. What is not in abundance is reliable information on how to discern between boxes of cereal, or indeed how to decide between them. What works for me might give you gas by lunchtime, and a third person might be better served by eating eggs for breakfast.

We all suffer - not too strong a word IMO - from the Hollywood notion of dating. They take us from quirky but cute meeting to satisfying ending by way of a challenging interlude in ninety minutes of flawless Technicolor. Of course we're all smart enough to differentiate fantasy from reality, but still, at some level a precedent so created creates room for disappointment.

Dating can be about disappointment, or it can be about discovery. As I have written previously, dating is a string of failures with one success if you want to look at it that way. Or it can be an around-the-world series of moments with different people, the ultimate prize being self-discovery and the treasure of finding The One. X marks the spot, after following a few red-herring clues.

But the greatest need is the map on which the location of X is shown. And for that, dear friends, I'm sorry to say that only you can provide the document. For everything else we have Google and blogs.





Bottoms Up, Pirate Treasure Hunters.

Lies, Damned Lies and Dating

Everyone - by which I mean the internet, the only authority that counts - comes to the same conclusion: that dating is about finding the right person. The inference, rarely drawn overtly, is that the wrong people will be summarily dumped.

In essence that makes dating a process of ditching the unsuitables...with one exception.

If the vision of a slaughterhouse comes to mind, I'm not surprised. The poor optimistic lovelorn creatures line up to have what they think will be a new adventure and BAM! A bolt through the brain. The sweet irony of dating is that we can be both slaughterman and the slaughtered, as accurate a description of modern dating as most.

What to do? Well, not much that I can see. To reiterate: Dating is to figure out if you're a match and the process will take up to two years, at which point you'll know if marriage is right and viable. Two years seems like a long time, and it is. Seven-hundred days is a chunk. But it is essential, because the only way to cut through folks' facade is time. Keeping up the appearance of the person we want to project cannot outlast daily, weekly and monthly ordinariness.

Truth will out. And the sooner the better, because the longer you wait, the more that bolt hurts.



Bottoms Up, Cowpokes.

Excuse me. Do you need a pick-up?

My friend Martian, an astute thinker in these matters, posed some excellent questions about my recent advocacy of the PUA movement. Herewith my position on the matter.

As an introduction for the unfamiliar, courtesy Wikipedia: 

A pickup artist is a man perceived to be skilled in the art of finding, attracting, and seducing women by the seduction community. Such a man purportedly abides by a certain system deemed effective by that community in his attempts to seduce women.

The PUA phenomenon came to public view when Neil Strauss wrote and published his book "The Game" in 2005. The book is an embedded journalist's experience of starting as a newbie PUA, taking courses, being mentored and applying what he learned. Along the way we learn about some of the more famous characters who teach aspiring PUAs, and the somewhat seedy business of the same guys making money by doing so.

I say seedy because my biggest argument against the PUA movement is its chaotic commercial classlessness. Every website, every portal, every interaction appears to this man's eye as an attempt to sign me up for a class or otherwise take my money. Not only is it distasteful, but it smells like carnival barking.

And it shouldn't. Men seeking an advantage over other men in the quest for women is an ancient motivator. It's biological, too, if the animal world is any guide. Males of all mammalian and bird and I guess reptilian species attempt to out-do one another when trying to attract a mate. It's the National Geographic version of what in business we call competitive advantage. In fact, I'm made quizzical by the fact that humans are one of few species where males are notably less colourful/attractive than females. One wonders what behavioural, genetic or biological quirk caused that.

The distillation of PUA thinking is that ordinary males can attract women they thought previously unattainable. Small behavioural modifications and a big helping of self-confidence go a long way towards that goal. That's it. Yes, there's ego-driven showmanship involved; yes, it's clear some guys become obsessed (for a while at least); and no, it's not for everyone.

However, my support stems from the general idea that any kind of public discussion regarding how male/female interactions work is good. I'd hardly be able to think otherwise, given the six years and over 1,000 posts here. Not every idea out there is good, but sometimes we find horseshoes in horseshit. The way I view PUA adherents is that they have the same mindset distribution as the religious; a few are fervent and annoying devotees, and the rest pick and choose what works individually.

Despite those extremists, there are some genuinely good notions here. I hinted at self-confidence, which will help some guys. Ditto a little peacocking. Choosing a new way with opening lines can't hurt. And why not try a little hard-to-get play? You get the drift. If you're stuck in a rut unable to even start a conversation with women, surely changing your attitude is worth a shot. Having said that, I have no doubt that most PUA types pretty quickly return to being themselves, because the act is too hard to sustain. It's why I do not fear a nation of ego-centric trim-chasers - human nature is so biased against it over the longer term. (Most) guys really do want to settle down with one woman.

The PUA world will stand or fall on one simple idea: that if no woman ever reacts positively to a pick-up artist, then the argument for their methods evaporates. It's a supply and demand case. Each woman they approach will determine the outcome, which is exactly as it should be. If a woman chooses to shag a misogynistic and paternal butt-hole, that's entirely her business.

As long as these guys remain within the boundaries of both the law and morality, it remains rightly a private matter between consenting adults. Other elements in society might not like it, but that's too bad. No laws exist against foolishness or flawed thinking as far as I'm aware...yet.




Bottoms Up, Lady-Lifters.

Bang and Regret

Somehow, without an instruction book or half-decent advice (ahem) we all have to figure out our own sexuality. That word - sexuality - frankly gives me the creeps, because it sounds manufactured by robots in a factory somewhere. I prefer sexual tastes, or sexual understanding or even personal sexual architecture.

Yeah, maybe not so much.

In any case, sex is one of the few human activities that involves our physical being, our intelligent being, our spiritual being and even our moral being, all tied up with a ribbon in one big beautiful lusty box. It's a cornucopia of stuff that can make us feel as big as the universe, as hot as the sun and as empty as space, all at one time.

So where to begin? Mostly, by not listening to anyone else. Parents through the ages, up to and including today, do a universally rotten job at explaining sex. And they concentrate on the physical, reproductive result, which even our bodies recognize as a side effect. Sex is first and foremost about pleasure, about feeling good. Start there, and we can then understand how nature tricks us into unplanned pregnancy - because she's wily, that's why.

Sex feels so good that it can overcome all kinds of logical arguments and commitments. No sex before marriage vows are admirable but completely unrealistic in my opinion. But sex on the first date with a complete stranger is likewise pretty dopey too. Somewhere in the middle is a smart compromise, but no-one ever expands on how that should work either. Try asking your mum or dad tonight how they view that conundrum.

Then there's the tricky problems we can find ourselves tangled in. Married and having an affair. Single and having an affair with someone who's married. Choosing someone who treats us poorly. Finding someone wonderful and messing it up. Thinking that there's more out there, when your own personal sexual architecture would be completely satisfied with just what you have. Thinking you're satisfied, but secretly looking for a whooooollllle lot more.

That last point is critical. Knowing what combination of lust, love, physicality, mental attraction, compatibility, respect and humour is right for you, is everything. Unfortunately, there is no Dummies Guide to Your Own Sexuality, it's all bang and regret.

Or not.


Bottoms Up, Critical Shaggers.

Online Dating Goes Offline

Online dating runs on a kind of dreamlike fantasy. Folks live in hope that the right person will pop into their search criteria, and, perhaps after a few mis-steps and poor choices, everything will work out just right. And if it isn't working like that, just one more date will do the trick.

Surely this is a special form of self-punishment? In my experience, people I met online needed to start with a negative two or three date handicap compared to people I've met in real life. In other words, it takes me a couple of face-to-face meetings before I'm even convinced they're vaguely who they say they are online. Call me cynical if you like, but I think it's smart to be skeptical.

I think it's worse for women, by the way. Online dating sites are chock full of guys pretending to be someone they think you want them to be -  not who they really are. If it isn't clear to you by now, online dating attracts sociopaths (and probably psychopaths) like Lindsay Lohan attracts traffic charges. Women could do worse than to use my handicapping system.

But I smell a change in the air. I haven't been on Match for a long time, but I noticed recently that they now conduct (host?) real life gatherings for their customers. Bravo. This is a step in the right direction, not least because groups of onliners can check out not only their chosen person of interest, but everyone else too. Just like people used to meet.

Another service I really like is How About We... I discovered them on a business video, where the two principals talked about how and why they started. To me, this is the perfect blend of online and offline dating. The idea, as I understand it, is to get into the real world as quickly as possible, to begin live dating ASAP. To that end, they facilitate the sometimes fraught process of finding, choosing and agreeing on a place to go, or activity to share. Brilliant.

I've not been paid or contacted by the How About We people to write this; I simply think it's a great idea. If anyone has experienced their service, I'd love to hear about it.



Bottoms Up, Offliners.

The Dating Checklist

Gradually, it's becoming clearer to me that a wish list - a dating wish list - isn't as productive as I might have thought.

That mental checklist we all keep of the qualities and attributes of that special someone is normal and of some value, but we always need to be willing to toss it away. The very act of permitting ourselves to ignore our preconceived ideas of who is right and who is wrong for us is liberating. It's an acknowledgment of the fact that life is chaotic, and we never know who is just around the corner.

The idea of filtering people appeals to us because it cuts down on possibilities. When you're in the market for people, the choice is more-or-less infinite. It's more confusing than the cereal aisle at the supermarket, but even there knowing what you want should give way to the experience of finding something new. When you want granola and know it, that's a good thing - until you discover something better.

But finding the person who meshes perfectly (or as perfectly as possible) isn't so simple. For one thing, we are only rarely sufficiently self-aware to know how we fit with any random person. For another, life has a way of throwing stuff and people at us that we just didn't think existed. In essence, we all think that our brains and experience are all-encompassing, and that nothing can surprise us. That's a form of arrogance, and not good if you're truly open-minded about exploring every possibility offered up.




Bottoms Up, Open-Minders.

Who Is This Girl Next Door?

A cursory glance at some online dating profiles - the generalist sites, not those catering to, ahem, specialist tastes - shows that many women self-describe as "the girl next door".

Clearly, none of their childhoods were blessed with the Stannaford family as neighbors. Tanya and Lindy were...how shall I put this...adventuresome, and I don't mean in the building a tree-house sense. Tanya was my age, Lindy a few years older, and they were both scary in that way that wordly girls intimidate innocent young boys. For a start, they had bodies with curves, and boyfriends with attitude. They were fascinating and mystifying in equal measure. I spent a lot of time pondering them.

But I can only realistically assume that my model of girls next door is the exception. The mature woman of today looking for a date online obviously believes men are attracted to the memory of someone from their own childhood. Thought of like that, there's a not altogether wholesome infantilist tone to all this. What mental image are these women trying to send to attract men? Do they think we're looking for the playmate from twenty years ago all grown up and now with makeup and stockings?

I think I've inadvertently struck upon the magic word here, which is 'wholesome'. The archetypal GND is a wholesome gal who understands your background and the culture that raised you. You'll be able to connect on a familiar level, and talk a common language. Or, if you get lucky, you'll find Lindy Stannaford and have a really good time.


Bottoms Up, Neighbors.

Friday Fluffer - Catch a Flight, Catch a Date

Even the most unlikely venues are stalking grounds for single hunters looking. In airports now we can find someone new, and they (the airports) come complete with an utterly plausible early exit strategy.

"I'm sorry darling, my flight's leaving."

It's hard to say "Don't leave me now!" when that's the reason you collided in the first place.

This article explains the best places to meet and canoodle a fellow-traveler. SFW



Bottoms Up, Jetsetters.

The Two Sides of Eve

Optimism rules in the dating game, right?

If it wasn't that way, we'd all spend nights with a movie and steamed veg medley for one. Dating is a high-energy, high-positivity impulse. Past success is no guarantee of future outcomes as the disclaimers have it, no more so than when looking for a mate. Let's face it, for every successful relationship we develop, how many duds must we run through? If dating were a business, no-one would participate.

Because we all have such high hopes for new prospects, we rarely start from the other side. By the other side, I mean the qualities we don't like in a person. Wouldn't it be interesting to find out the worst of someone first, and then decide if we could date them?

No-nos might include addiction to drugs, booze or gambling; any kind of mental disorder including depression; constant chatter about exes etc. But there are more complex and specific ways in which we behave that might not fit, high on that list for me being an inability to fight fair.

All couples will fight. Disagreements, misunderstandings, unmet expectations, fouled communications and plain pissed-off-for-no-reason-ness will find their way into any relationship given enough time. The ongoing difficulty with fighting is that men and women tend to fight in different ways.


Generalization:

Men tend to fight with logic.

Women tend to fight with emotion.


I understand that it's not always the case - and not true specifically in yours - but I think they are reasonable characterizations. But because different fighting styles mean we're looking for different kinds of resolutions, fighting can often lead to more fighting. A satisfying resolution for the logician probably won't satisfy the emoter, and vice versa. They're looking for different things. 


I've taken to asking the women I know:

How do you fight? Do you fight fair?


They have all so far replied with thoughtful variations on this:

Yes, I mostly fight fair, with the exception of fights about infidelity.



The definition of fighting fair will vary from person to person. But I think it's a reasonable question to ask in the first few dates, just to see what happens.



Bottoms Up, Downside Explorers.

Better Be Good To Me

How about that human genome, eh? What a t'riffic little jobby that bad boy is, explaining everything from hammer toes to serial killer tendencies, plus the really important stuff like male pattern baldness.

My genetic predisposition is like a bad Vuitton knock-off - somewhere in the past lies a quality original. Unfortunately, for successive generations the leather provenance has been on a downward slide, and the stitching...well, let's just say you wouldn't fool anyone at your local pub.

But there is hope. The flip side of the genetic blackjack game is the environmental input we all receive. I like to think of this as the role model side of life, because that's how junior learns how to behave. Parents form the front line, with (in my day, anyway) television as a backstop. You'd be surprised at the extent of Gilligan's Island's influence in my own life. (I'm Team Mary Ann BTW. Ginger was way too high maintenance. Who takes ball gowns to a tropical island?)

If I had to plant a flag in this argument, I'd say that environment - the influence of role models - is more important than genetics. Young'uns start learning and mimicking right from day one. Seems to me that there's almost zero inherited ability in the higher social skills area; finding a decent mate, for instance. Discerning what kind of behaviour divides the good people from the bad, for another, is all observed knowledge.

I'm pretty sure this is why we all have to learn the mating lessons from scratch every time. Our biology is amazing, but not coded for understanding the difference between a Coach bag and a grocery bag.




Bottoms Up, Quality Mavens.

Online Dating Secret Sauce

Judging by my spambox, online dating push-marketing overtook Canadian drugs and Nigerian "lottery" scams a while ago. Every day it seems a new website matching singles in progressively smaller niches is born.

At this rate, the dating demographic will be so atomized that by next Christmas every one of us will be running our own dating sites, all with the same photos, profiles and secret-sauce matching algorithms. Each one will guarantee a connection with your dreamboat, or your money back. Here are some of our success stories...

...et cetera.

I've never been convinced of either the value or the longevity of even the best online sites. They always looked to be the answer to a question that no-one was asking, namely; how can I effortlessly find a decent mate? Effortlessly in the sense that by inputting our vital details and a few photos, the cleverness of computers combined with the awesomeness of the internet should spit out the right person in less time than it takes to order up a pizza.

Can our biology and instinct be so easily circumvented? Is this the experience of discovery we want?

After we found that hardly anyone pairs off instantly, the online dating model morphed slightly to reflect the notion that browsing lots of profiles and meeting lots of people would up the odds of finding #1. Note the sites' subtle change of emphasis to...

Here's a bunch of people who say they're single: good luck. 

Unfortunately, widening the dating river didn't necessarily deepen it, and some backwaters normally cut off were suddenly re-connected to the mainstream. Heaven for the previously high and dry, not so much for everyone else - there was a reason they'd been abandoned.

From this thin gruel of self-selectors, one could choose at one's leisure the most likely candidates to date and then figure out if they were suitable.

I don't buy it. And apparently I'm not alone, because this article in New York magazine asks:

Has the Online Dating Backlash Arrived?

(Worth the time to read.)

NB: Of course there will be many successes in the online dating world, but it's way more fun arguing an almost indefensible position.

Bottoms Up, In Your Facers.

Dating Ideas

If you have found and fancy a new person, let's think about some better dating techniques. Not that you're horrid at dating, of course, but as with any skill a little forethought will improve the outcome. Here are three ideas.

Give Your Brain Time

Number one on my list is that if this truly is a new person in your life - not an acquaintance morphing into something else - it will take time for your brain to absorb all the new information they provide. Dating is only partially about physically being with the person. Processing what you see and hear is just as important.
 
Think of it this way: we sleep not for our body, but for our mind. Sleep is its sorting and filing time. As powerful as the human brain is, it turns out that connecting the internal dots takes a while. In an arena as complex as romance, where sexuality, family, morality, money and putting out the trash are involved, discovering how the newbie fits into your abstract internal life will take a few moons. Allow that to happen.

The takeaway: Time. Take some.


Allow For Upsides and Downsides

No-one's perfect. And no-one is perfect for you. Compromise is realistic. Finding the right person is about knowing what your absolute must-have's are, what the nice-to-have's are, and what doesn't matter. If you love dogs and couldn't imagine a life without them, don't contemplate someone who only likes cats. If you're happy dancing to Sinatra at home on a Saturday night, don't pretend a club-hound will suit you. Filtering is good; filtering is the essence of dating.

The takeaway: Prioritize your needs and desires.


Dates Need a Beginning and an End

Dating is an extended job interview, at least initially. Have you ever been to a thirty-minute job interview and ended up hanging out with the gang for the night? No, you haven't. So let's structure our dates in a similar fashion, with some concrete activity - even if it's simply meeting for coffee - and a specific end time, which you communicate to your date.

This will be as easy as:  

Great, let's have lunch, but I'll have to leave at 2:00 because I have an astrophysics tutorial to give.

And make sure you leave at 2:00.

Two thoughts on this. First, it tells the other person that you have a life; that finding the right person isn't the Holy Grail of your happiness. It removes any desperation factor (or the appearance of such.)

Secondly, you're giving both of you room to breathe, always a good plan.

The takeaway: Ending a date promptly might seem counter-intuitive. Give it a shot.



Bottoms Up, Dating Masterminds.

Cerealization

Finding the right person can be a chore or a delight, depending upon how you look at it. Yes, first dates can be energy-sapping. Yes, meeting so many incompatibles is dispiriting. Yes, you will question your will to live. Too often you'll wonder how so many weird, self-absorbed, boring, ill and frankly unappealing people think they might have a future with your bright, optimistic, balanced, gorgeous self. But we must endure.

I compare the process to deciding upon a breakfast cereal - in a world of infinite choice, start by precluding huge swathes. For instance, anyone over the age of ten should consider avoiding any cereal with an animal or super-hero mascot. Then there are the key words 'pops', 'frosted', 'loops', and 'smacks', all of which tell you that nutrition can be found in the box, but only inasmuch as you think cups of sugar are good for you.

The big-picture dating prospects to avoid IMO are folks with an untreated depressive illness; those who have any kind of addictive partiality; anyone with unresolved parental or family difficulties; and anyone who doesn't floss.

Shoot me, but I believe in immaculate oral hygiene.

Given that first dates - or a bunch of them strung together - are exhausting, we can filter a lot of maybes beforehand by figuring if any of the big deal-breakers (above) pertain. You can get pretty good at ferreting out the info you need with well-timed pre-date questions, eg:

So, are you an alcoholic?

or

I'm on anti-depressants myself. You too?

See how I did that without alerting them?

Once it looks as if they're not Froot Loops or Cap'n Crunch, then a first date is worth a shot. Still and all, low expectations will keep you mentally upright, because even the best filters are only a start.


Bottoms Up, Shoppers.

The Date Horizon

Alyssa Miller

Two qualities I observe in my own brain:

1. It looks for patterns of behaviour (in women I date) that might or might not exist.

2. Its imagination leaps to long-term possibilities with women far beyond reality.

They're both manifestations of an inaccurate Date Horizon. The Date Horizon (did I just coin this?) is the natural expectation of what's reasonable from the other person given the current state of the liaison. For instance:

* After a first date, the Date Horizon can really only extend to the possibility of a second.

* After the first sex, the Date Horizon probably includes some number of future sessions. (NOTE: Or none.)

* Once the Fidelity Agreement's in place, the Date Horizon extends out by a few months.

* Marriage takes the Date Horizon at least to the natural horizon.


I imagine that we all get ahead of ourselves when we start out with someone new. Sadly, it's unrealistic and I believe ultimately destructive when the other person fails to live up to our dream (the hide!) or we actually start living in a way that's not reality-based.

So. Note to self: One step at a time. Take each date as it comes. Understand not everyone will work out. Keep a tight rein on the imagination. Watch how nice it is when the Date Horizon really does move beyond tomorrow.



Bottoms Up, Imagineers.

Be Careful For What You Wish

Eva Amurri

A recurring theme in my life is how often I learn lessons about living by making mistakes. I write Kiss & Blog because airing my thoughts on dating and relationships helps with nailing down at least a few rules of engagement. Falling flat on one's face is a universal experience for anyone who has ever had more than one encounter with the opposite sex, but I can't help wondering how much better my nose would look had I been privy to some inside skinny before I began. Your nose, of course, is as cute as a button.

It does begin with one's parents. Not only do we have DNA shepherding us behind the scenes, we all model our behaviour on the example they provide(ed). Some examples are good, of course, but many aren't and a number are downright destructive. Awareness of this helps. Out-thinking one's formative environment can lead to a better life. That's pretty much where I'm at, figuring out what my programming is - genetic and environmental - and deciding whether any of it is any good.

Taking a long, hard look around leaves me quizzical at how many others are in the same position. My parents gave me precisely zero sexual education, no tips on relationships and not one guiding principle on how to avoid girl-trouble. (Not that girls are intrinsically trouble - it's the way I behave around them that creates such a thing.) So it's an almost universal co-ed dorm room, this University of Life and Love where we all start from scratch, generation after generation. Wouldn't it be cool if we could build knowledge of what works and what doesn't and pass it on to our babies? Yes, but apparently we don't.

Everything I know is a synthesis of experience (good and bad), both mine and peers as related to me. Which is a problem of itself. When we grope for understanding based on what our buddies tell us, dating life can easily slip into some odd movie combination of American Pie and American Psycho. Finding the path that's right for each of us as individuals requires a lot of going it alone. No way around it.

All of which leaves me in the following position: I work to discover the architecture of how to live life. Finding a framework on which to hang a desirable façade, one that's true to the underpinning foundations, is a lifetime quest.



Bottoms Up, Lifetime Questers.

Expecting the Unexpected

 Eliza Dushku

Meeting and dating someone in quick succession can be one of the funnest things in the universe. If you feel you have something with this new person the exhilaration of discovery is like a drug. Gimme more!

The downside of that is if it doesn't work out, you end up in a relationship with some sketchy dude who sells you low-grade shit at street-plus prices. Wait. That's another kind of drug, although the analogy holds pretty well.

We singles are all looking for that starburst of wonder and goodwill, elusive as it might be. There's no way to pre-figure the feeling, the chemistry follows no particular rules. Encounters with this drug are not restricted to singles either - I can think of at least three married women with whom I've shared that moment of singularity, of knowing. Fortunately, my better nature prevented anything more happening. There are quite a few what-ifs hanging out there in the universe.

Like any drug, mutual discovery is best enjoyed in the right environment. Bathrooms and cars are fun, but more appropriate when you're both on a slightly more solid footing. Passion can overwhelm common sense, so at least in the beginning some dating structure is good.

That's an old-fashioned view, I understand. Trouble is that heightened emotions - all I can think about is HER - leave no room for circumspection. It's all about wondering what she's doing, whether I need a haircut and how her pussy might taste.




Bottoms Up, Newly Acquainted.

Regrets, Imagination and Missed Connections

They first caught my eye years ago in The Stranger, Seattle's free leftie weekly, but I note that Craigslist has them too. "They" are the wee Missed Connections classifieds, posted by those poor souls who think they've spied someone special in public but botched the opportunity to introduce themselves.

This is representative:

You are a petite blonde hair, blue eyed woman with an amazing athletic build. Wow, you are so fit and attractive, I just can't take my eyes off of you.

Honestly, you're the highlight of my workout and the conclusion of my day. 
 
Note the slightly stalkerish POV and continued unwillingness to engage IRL.

This is more calculating:

You were at the Costco at _________ on Friday around 4:00PM . You had blue jeans tucked in your tall boots and you were with a bald older man. We exchanged multiple looks and smiles....me dark hair, light eyes, goatee, tall, handsome. I was smitten with you like no woman I have seen in years. Would love to show you the nicest of discreet times. No strings, no drama just fun excitement and passion. 

And this guy almost got it right:

We were chatting at Gin Mill, and I got your number but then i did not save it. You were a math teacher.

A tone of wistfulness inhabits these pieces. The unspoken question is "...what if..." which is clearly a product of imagination. The answer will remain in there too, unless these people DO SOMETHING about it, which is why I think this is so awesome. * snaps gum *

Check this out: MeSayingHi. SFW. The concept is simple. You store your online profile with the MeSayingHi folks. You buy introductory cards that allow access to that profile. When you have one of those potential missed opportunities, whip out the card, hand it to the person with as big smile as you can muster, and go about your day. (Then hope like hell they get back to you.)

I'm in favour of anything that eases the first awkward stranger-to-stranger encounter. Nothing will replace the actual act of walking up to someone, looking them in the eye and introducing yourself. But. Not everyone has that confidence. For those who do not, this will help.

Bravo Andrew at MeSayingHi, I'm a convert. *






Bottoms Up, Brave Knights and Knightettes.

*[BTW, in case you think I'm being paid for this: nope. I just think it's an excellent idea.]

Life's A Beach.

As a first date venue, the beach is a mixed bag. A walk along the beach as a part of a first date works well in my experience, mostly because the surrounds de-focus first-date nerves.

It needn't be a beach, of course. A park or even a stroll on a nice street will work in the same fashion, but the beach has a few advantages.

I like the beach because the palette is clear-cut. The colours are those of sea, sky and sand. The textures are air, land and water. And the sun might be shining, or not, and it's either windy or not. Elemental is probably the best way to describe being on the inside of one of nature's low-key highlights.

Think of it this way: On a first date, you are trying to find a way into your co-dater's head. You've already decided if you're physically attracted, and the permutations of how you imagine them fitting into your life have already played out. What remains is to figure out if the reality of this person can squeeze into your mental relationship-sardine-can.

Which is why a few subtle walk-along-the-beach qualities are important.

+ You both are likely to be barefoot. (Implied nakedness.)

+ You are not facing each other whilst walking. (Helps reduce the intensity.)

+ You're both breathing. (Great for clear thinking and positivity.)

 I wrote that beach dates are a mixed bag, so here's the downside. If you have a swim-date at the beach, you raise all kinds of questions regarding body-image and self-confidence. Unless you're galaxy-grade sure this isn't a problem for your date - OMG a first date, gulp! - settle for a walk. If that works, there's plenty of time for bikinis later.



Bottoms Up, Bikini Bottoms.

Relationship Mash-Upship

Sophie Marceau pic credit.

Beautifully matched couples are boring. Kens and Barbies together are meant to be seen as a pair, batteries sold separately. Surely they have their tiffs and differences like any other be-coupled life forms, but it's less dramatic when you know there'll always be someone else. The drama of a bust-up barely registers when the danger is only of when they'll find another one just like the last. Answer: It won't take long.

Couples who are clearly different in appearance raise interesting questions. Do they know they look mismatched? What is it they have in common? Which one of them has the most devious motivation? Are they together out of spite? Which of them is desperate?

[You'll note that I attribute less than honourable motives here. That speaks to my mind, not to our theoretical odd pair.]

In my experience, there are a few broad categories where couples look noticeable. There's the big age difference, the big looks- or body-style difference, and the style difference. A style difference would be, say, someone fully tatted-up with a cleanskin. Cheatin' Jesse James and Sandra Bullock is one example. Less obvious mismatches are those involving social ability, wealth and intelligence. Intelligence is a tricky one, because measurement is so subjective.

Looking around, it's clear that we tend to meld with those who more-or-less look like they belong to us. That might simply be because all we want in a partner is the opposite-sex version of our favourite person. Us.






Bottoms Up, Self-Esteemers.

Tell Him He's Dreaming

 Zarah Pacheco pic credit.

I do it all the time - I get stuck in my head, thinking about meeting the perfect gal, how it would all be so neat and clean and happy ever after. Living like this courts trouble, especially when we're talking the sex and so on, because the mind doesn't own a watch. Time has no meaning in daydream fantasy land, so that when a real life prospect comes along in actual real life, time actually applies and I crash to earth.

Time's important because there's really no fast-forwarding through the getting-to-know-you period. We're not like automobiles; there's no plugging in a computer to check the status and history of all the machine's systems, as fun as it is to imagine doing that with a person.

Okay, Bud, whattawe got here? Alrighty, looks like her history's pretty clean. Body's straight. Transmission's been replaced, looks like it was a warranty job, so that's good. Fluids all clean and changed regularly. Tyres are getting close to the limit, but will do for now. She needs to go for a long ride, I'd say she only does short trips around town, so she needs a good blow-out. Apart from that, I'd say you've got a solid prospect here. 

Wouldn't it be neat to know precisely what you're in for when you meet someone? Of course, there'd be no discovery, but really, revelation's over-rated. History's chock-full of dead explorers.

But back to this planet. We're all PDG at masking stuff we think needs hiding - but not forever. Some kind of universal consensus hovers around the eighteen month mark as about the period required to uncover your sweetie's suitability. That's about the time Magellan took to get half-way around the world.

Just for the record, he died there.



Bottoms Up, Relationship Mechanics.