Be Yourself. Really?

Dating advisors will tell you: for dating success Be Yourself.

Worst. Advice. Ever.

You, like me, are a sloppy mess of insecurities, half-understandings, moldy old baggage, soiled laundry and fear. A delightful and sexy melange of those elements, but still, we're all rocky road muffins.

I hardly need warn you about revealing too much of the truth about yourself on a date. Dating isn't based on truth; dating's based on outfitting our dates with our fantasies. Ignoring non-compliant data allows us to dream the dream.

However, matters can progress. Date the right person long enough and you'll find that they've either figured out the stuff you've been avoiding, or they're ready to hear it. In either case it's a milestone to know that:

a.) There's no need to withhold any more, and

b.) Someone still thinks well enough of you despite them knowing the awful truth.

That's the time you'll find yourself being yourself without being conscious of it. 







Bottoms Up, Flawed Ones.

Online Dating Profiles: A Different View

Which would you prefer: pay twenty dollars for a new book that looks okay, or go on a date with a person who looks okay?

Online dating profiles share much in common with the novels in your favourite bookstore. There's no knowing what's actually behind the glossy dust-jacket, other than the blurb on the back or a few dubious online reviews. [Talking about books here :-) ]The author might hit your magic intellectual spot, or maybe not. Familiarity is the reason we return to books by the same writer once we know they're to our taste. (And as I think of it, this applies to people we date too.)

If you want to know whether the book by an unknown writer is to your taste, you're obliged to buy the damned thing. And so it is with dating. To discover what lies beyond the dopey profile of that spunky online hottie, you have to step out in public with the individual. At least once. Email, phone calls and IM work to a point, but everyone behaves like their own PR firm for as long as they can. Spinning ourselves in a favourable fashion is what we do.

Dispiriting, no? The twenty (or more) you pay to buy the book is down the drain if it turns out to be a snooze. At least if you go on the date you have a story to tell. But just how many first dates can one person take before they become more jaded than Chinese costume jewelry?

Which is why I propose a different approach to online profiles. Instead of all the argle-bargle generalizations and boilerplate, try to focus as closely as possible on one aspect of your life. Describe your ideal Sunday morning, for instance. Relate a little story about the way you like your coffee. Or outline the best hour of vacation you've ever had - yes, hour. The whole idea is to escape the realm of the big-picture BS and wind the lens down to find the smallest objects in our lives.

My thesis is that we communicate more by describing how we feel about ONE footstep on the beach than all the hot air about walking on the beach in general. Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain are optional.



Bottoms Up, Caribbean Lovers.

Online Dating Goes Offline

Online dating runs on a kind of dreamlike fantasy. Folks live in hope that the right person will pop into their search criteria, and, perhaps after a few mis-steps and poor choices, everything will work out just right. And if it isn't working like that, just one more date will do the trick.

Surely this is a special form of self-punishment? In my experience, people I met online needed to start with a negative two or three date handicap compared to people I've met in real life. In other words, it takes me a couple of face-to-face meetings before I'm even convinced they're vaguely who they say they are online. Call me cynical if you like, but I think it's smart to be skeptical.

I think it's worse for women, by the way. Online dating sites are chock full of guys pretending to be someone they think you want them to be -  not who they really are. If it isn't clear to you by now, online dating attracts sociopaths (and probably psychopaths) like Lindsay Lohan attracts traffic charges. Women could do worse than to use my handicapping system.

But I smell a change in the air. I haven't been on Match for a long time, but I noticed recently that they now conduct (host?) real life gatherings for their customers. Bravo. This is a step in the right direction, not least because groups of onliners can check out not only their chosen person of interest, but everyone else too. Just like people used to meet.

Another service I really like is How About We... I discovered them on a business video, where the two principals talked about how and why they started. To me, this is the perfect blend of online and offline dating. The idea, as I understand it, is to get into the real world as quickly as possible, to begin live dating ASAP. To that end, they facilitate the sometimes fraught process of finding, choosing and agreeing on a place to go, or activity to share. Brilliant.

I've not been paid or contacted by the How About We people to write this; I simply think it's a great idea. If anyone has experienced their service, I'd love to hear about it.



Bottoms Up, Offliners.

How Do I End A First Date?

Make no mistake, first dates have but one aim, which is to ensure a second date.

Our natural instinct is to complicate the first date by imbuing it with too much stuff: There's no way to convey just what a beautiful/worthy/honest/sexy fox with exemplary hygiene you are in a few minutes. So don't even try. Do. Not Try.

Instead:

1. Smile.

2. Listen.

3. Ask follow-up questions as if you are listening.

4. Be gracious.

5. Talk honestly - and briefly - about yourself without filtering.

That's more than good enough. Remember, you have both probably decided upon second-date worthiness within the first five minutes, so all we're attempting at this point is to not mess up.

Now for the parting. Recognize that whatever socialization your dating partner has undergone in their life will determine how they behave. Folks from smoochy and huggy families will tend towards more physicality;more stand-offishly trained individuals might not.

Frankly, if you can't see immediately which way to move, I'd ask. Make a joke of it. Say something like...

You know, I wonder if it's okay with you if I say good-bye with a hug?

...or whatever works for you and the vibe.

Believe me, men, communicating something like that will be deemed cute, gentlemanly and self-deprecating, all qualities that will stand you in good stead where it matters most - in the eyes of her girlfriends.




Bottoms Up, Hug-Monsters.

Pinball Wizard

We spend time thinking about the first date and we spend time imagining a relationship, so let's begin to fill the gap between those two points.

First dates receive attention for the obvious reason: it's officially the start of something, even if nobody knows what. They are shiny and exciting, like taking a new iPhone out of the box, turning it over in our hands, feeling its heft and texture. 

Second, third and fourth dates do not have that same sense of magic. A person can only be new once. However, the greatest satisfaction often comes with figuring out the features of that iPhone; ditto the qualities of the new person. (Calling them "features" takes the person-as-device idea too far, don't you think?)

Let's also consider that someone's first date might have come on a bad day for them. Or they might have been at the top of their game. Either way, it's an information point that only subsequent dates can put in perspective. If that person made an impression worthy of a second and third date, at least figure on them being different - better or worse - than the first time. No-one is ever exactly the same day after day.

Whenever I think of myself going on a date, I try to figure out how I will come across to her. I know my behaviour extremes, how good my company can be on my best day, and how bad my company can be on my worst. We all pinball within a mood and response range. The idea of my dating approach is to figure out if her mood and response range fits mine. It's that lock and key thing again.


I think this is the value of those first handful of times spent together. We all more become the person we really are, which then places that first date more accurately into the big picture. That's why a variety of venues, times and type of date is important. You're attempting to provoke a reaction in your prospective beau, creating a set of data points. Wow, that sounds mercenary when written like that. Still, it's true.
 
No-one said dating was for the timid.



Bottoms Up, Behavioural Scientists.

Let's See How This Goes - Wombatgram #25

It's a common enough reaction when you meet someone new, a prospect.

Let's see how this goes...

...is a natural response and in the scheme of things.

There's just no telling what will happen. 



* Click on Wombatgram for a bigger version.

Bottoms Up, Dating Adventurers.

Dating Ideas

If you have found and fancy a new person, let's think about some better dating techniques. Not that you're horrid at dating, of course, but as with any skill a little forethought will improve the outcome. Here are three ideas.

Give Your Brain Time

Number one on my list is that if this truly is a new person in your life - not an acquaintance morphing into something else - it will take time for your brain to absorb all the new information they provide. Dating is only partially about physically being with the person. Processing what you see and hear is just as important.
 
Think of it this way: we sleep not for our body, but for our mind. Sleep is its sorting and filing time. As powerful as the human brain is, it turns out that connecting the internal dots takes a while. In an arena as complex as romance, where sexuality, family, morality, money and putting out the trash are involved, discovering how the newbie fits into your abstract internal life will take a few moons. Allow that to happen.

The takeaway: Time. Take some.


Allow For Upsides and Downsides

No-one's perfect. And no-one is perfect for you. Compromise is realistic. Finding the right person is about knowing what your absolute must-have's are, what the nice-to-have's are, and what doesn't matter. If you love dogs and couldn't imagine a life without them, don't contemplate someone who only likes cats. If you're happy dancing to Sinatra at home on a Saturday night, don't pretend a club-hound will suit you. Filtering is good; filtering is the essence of dating.

The takeaway: Prioritize your needs and desires.


Dates Need a Beginning and an End

Dating is an extended job interview, at least initially. Have you ever been to a thirty-minute job interview and ended up hanging out with the gang for the night? No, you haven't. So let's structure our dates in a similar fashion, with some concrete activity - even if it's simply meeting for coffee - and a specific end time, which you communicate to your date.

This will be as easy as:  

Great, let's have lunch, but I'll have to leave at 2:00 because I have an astrophysics tutorial to give.

And make sure you leave at 2:00.

Two thoughts on this. First, it tells the other person that you have a life; that finding the right person isn't the Holy Grail of your happiness. It removes any desperation factor (or the appearance of such.)

Secondly, you're giving both of you room to breathe, always a good plan.

The takeaway: Ending a date promptly might seem counter-intuitive. Give it a shot.



Bottoms Up, Dating Masterminds.

Expectant Sex

Stuck in a painful silence on a first date? Introduce the topic of sex whilst pregnant and see what happens.

Okay, so a first date is too early, but by the fifth date I'd be using this as a critical question - obviously, especially if you're the woman. It seems that many men have an incomplete knowledge of the female reproductive tract. Surprise, eh?

In a way it's touching. Some guys apparently avoid vaginal sex for fear of somehow molesting, harming, defiling, aborting or otherwise embarrassing the in-utero sprog. The thought of their penis pistoning up and down inside the mother gives the dude less of a piston and more of a python. A soft python.

Coupla points here, men. Firstly, there is a pre-designed barrier between the baby and you. It's called the cervix. It has muscles strong enough to break your arm should you somehow end up in that position. Plus it is a VERY sensitive piece of your lady, as you would know when you're making sweet love and accidentally go too far. She'll let you know ALL about it.

Secondly, your lady also comes pre-designed with a place for you to have sex, known as the vaginal canal. It's otherwise known as the birth canal when used in the reverse direction, but don't dwell on that. Think of the sweet, warm, gooey love trench as a vestibule, where your junk is kept nicely separate from your pristine unborn child.

As an almost too obvious Thirdly: pregnant ladies are full of hormones that make them hornier than an Arizona cactus. Capitalize, men. For her sake.




Bottoms Up, Hot Mammas.

Cerealization

Finding the right person can be a chore or a delight, depending upon how you look at it. Yes, first dates can be energy-sapping. Yes, meeting so many incompatibles is dispiriting. Yes, you will question your will to live. Too often you'll wonder how so many weird, self-absorbed, boring, ill and frankly unappealing people think they might have a future with your bright, optimistic, balanced, gorgeous self. But we must endure.

I compare the process to deciding upon a breakfast cereal - in a world of infinite choice, start by precluding huge swathes. For instance, anyone over the age of ten should consider avoiding any cereal with an animal or super-hero mascot. Then there are the key words 'pops', 'frosted', 'loops', and 'smacks', all of which tell you that nutrition can be found in the box, but only inasmuch as you think cups of sugar are good for you.

The big-picture dating prospects to avoid IMO are folks with an untreated depressive illness; those who have any kind of addictive partiality; anyone with unresolved parental or family difficulties; and anyone who doesn't floss.

Shoot me, but I believe in immaculate oral hygiene.

Given that first dates - or a bunch of them strung together - are exhausting, we can filter a lot of maybes beforehand by figuring if any of the big deal-breakers (above) pertain. You can get pretty good at ferreting out the info you need with well-timed pre-date questions, eg:

So, are you an alcoholic?

or

I'm on anti-depressants myself. You too?

See how I did that without alerting them?

Once it looks as if they're not Froot Loops or Cap'n Crunch, then a first date is worth a shot. Still and all, low expectations will keep you mentally upright, because even the best filters are only a start.


Bottoms Up, Shoppers.

It's a Girl - My Lord! - In a Flatbed Ford

Now I don't want to draw too much from this, but do the lyrics of this Eagles song make you a little nostalgic?

The dude's running away - possibly doing the fadeout - on seven women;

Well, I'm running down the road
Tryin' to loosen my load
I've got seven women on my mind
Four that wanna own me
Two that wanna stone me
One says she's a friend of mine

With one aim in mind,  he's;

Lookin' for a lover
Who won't blow my cover
She's so hard to find...

Which is where we meet the girl in Winslow driving the flatbed Ford. The way she can save him is to seize the moment for some uncommitted random fucking.

Come on, baby
Don't say maybe
I gotta know if your sweet love
Is gonna save me

We may lose and we may win
Though we will never be here again
So open up, I'm climbin' in
And take it easy

Subtle use of the "climbin' in" metaphor.

It's reflective of a misguided instinct: the way to leave one (or seven) women is to take up with someone fresh - close all the doors of the past by opening a new one. Yeah, that never works.

The vanity here is telling, although I'm sneakily smiling at the complete absence of any sexual political posturing. This tune represents the apogee of the Californian/hippy/baby-boom/free love/whatever feels good/just do it age perfectly, as well as (arguably) the apogee of money-making from having a good time.

Lucky bastards.



Bottoms Up, and do whatever feels good.



Take It Easy lyrics © Jackson Browne/Swallow Turn Music/Night Kitchen Music/Open Window Music.

The Date Horizon

Alyssa Miller

Two qualities I observe in my own brain:

1. It looks for patterns of behaviour (in women I date) that might or might not exist.

2. Its imagination leaps to long-term possibilities with women far beyond reality.

They're both manifestations of an inaccurate Date Horizon. The Date Horizon (did I just coin this?) is the natural expectation of what's reasonable from the other person given the current state of the liaison. For instance:

* After a first date, the Date Horizon can really only extend to the possibility of a second.

* After the first sex, the Date Horizon probably includes some number of future sessions. (NOTE: Or none.)

* Once the Fidelity Agreement's in place, the Date Horizon extends out by a few months.

* Marriage takes the Date Horizon at least to the natural horizon.


I imagine that we all get ahead of ourselves when we start out with someone new. Sadly, it's unrealistic and I believe ultimately destructive when the other person fails to live up to our dream (the hide!) or we actually start living in a way that's not reality-based.

So. Note to self: One step at a time. Take each date as it comes. Understand not everyone will work out. Keep a tight rein on the imagination. Watch how nice it is when the Date Horizon really does move beyond tomorrow.



Bottoms Up, Imagineers.

Hamburger Helper

 Priyanka Chopra.

Alcohol is to dating as Hamburger Helper is to ground meat - it stretches slim pickin's into something more substantial. Booze/Helper won't change the underlying person/protein, but it will fill out the gaps in your character/meat quality. Think of it this way - would  you prefer a short date of complete honesty in a white room with two chairs and a table, or a couple of hours of low-level banter in a pub?

The meat equivalent would be one small portion of raw beef as against a big gooey cheeseburger. We know which one is more unadulterated - so to speak - but are early dates better if consumed raw? Like eggs, meat and first dates, warnings against consuming them uncooked exist for good reason.

It's not a costless bargain, this one. Your self/patty will suffer from the dilution, a little at first, but more if you over-indulge. The burger that's mostly Helper won't be re-ordered, coz it's all bulk filler and no taste. Likewise, a completely plastered plating probably has you scraped into that person's scrap bin forever. The idea is to have your date want to taste you on more dates.

 However, if you can find the optimum mix, you're on the way to making the best of the date/meal. My buzz peaks at around 1.7 martinis, knowledge that's quite hard come-by. At that point I'm still mostly sober, but loose enough to lose the usual dating inhibitions. That is the aim, by the way, to overcome nerves or other social inhibitors that get in the way. These problems are born of overthinking, and the best way to circumvent thinking that I know of is a good stiff drink or two.

But be smart and order food with your drinks. I'd suggest tapas-sized steak carpaccio and frites.





Bottoms Up Buzzed Bollywood Beauties.

Life's A Beach.

As a first date venue, the beach is a mixed bag. A walk along the beach as a part of a first date works well in my experience, mostly because the surrounds de-focus first-date nerves.

It needn't be a beach, of course. A park or even a stroll on a nice street will work in the same fashion, but the beach has a few advantages.

I like the beach because the palette is clear-cut. The colours are those of sea, sky and sand. The textures are air, land and water. And the sun might be shining, or not, and it's either windy or not. Elemental is probably the best way to describe being on the inside of one of nature's low-key highlights.

Think of it this way: On a first date, you are trying to find a way into your co-dater's head. You've already decided if you're physically attracted, and the permutations of how you imagine them fitting into your life have already played out. What remains is to figure out if the reality of this person can squeeze into your mental relationship-sardine-can.

Which is why a few subtle walk-along-the-beach qualities are important.

+ You both are likely to be barefoot. (Implied nakedness.)

+ You are not facing each other whilst walking. (Helps reduce the intensity.)

+ You're both breathing. (Great for clear thinking and positivity.)

 I wrote that beach dates are a mixed bag, so here's the downside. If you have a swim-date at the beach, you raise all kinds of questions regarding body-image and self-confidence. Unless you're galaxy-grade sure this isn't a problem for your date - OMG a first date, gulp! - settle for a walk. If that works, there's plenty of time for bikinis later.



Bottoms Up, Bikini Bottoms.

Feet of Clay

Helene Fischer photo credit.

Unformed thoughts are the clay surrounding the part-time writer's feet. There is one thought that's gradually making its way out of the earth, coagulating into something vaguely worthwhile, and it's this: the envelope. I think we daters and searchers for the one have an envelope problem.

Aviation types talk about the envelope quite a bit. The envelope is the closed line drawn on a piece of paper that defines the capabilities of an aeroplane - airplane for you North American types. Stay within the line, and you remain within the parameters of what the plane can do. It includes everything from the stresses of speed and g-force to the range on a given amount of fuel. The envelope corrals the machine. Importantly, every machine has its own defining characteristics creating a distinctive-looking envelope.

So the unformed thought is that every individual has a life envelope too. Some parts of life we all know - eating, drinking, breathing - but there are tons of specific experiences that define who we are. Lots of these, along with their combination, go a long way to telling others just who we are. And maybe, just maybe, we should look for someone with a similar envelope.

Perhaps finding someone with a similar envelope is a better way to find someone compatible. That's all.



Bottoms Up, Adventurers.

Top Ten Lies Heard On a First Date

+ Wow. That's fascinating!

+ Abstinence works for me.

+ Teacup chihuahua - my favourite dog.

+ I agree. Mini-breaks at romantic bed and breakfasts are FUN.

+ Tell me again about how you found your shoes.

+ I want to settle down too.

+ I've always wanted to learn all about fantasy football.

+ You're right: Love is everything.

+ Of course. I'm having a great time.

+ I'm wondering why I haven't met you before.






Bottoms Up, Honest Injuns.

Supermarket for People

Everywhere. They're everywhere. Dating sites for this, dating sites for that, dating sites for the most obscure sub-groups of humanity...and some in which only one partner is human.



Ahem.



If the internet has become the most efficient way yet of delivering porn, one side-effect is the cereal-aisle choice of ways to find The One. Not only are we singles looking up at El Capitan when figuring out how to get the right squelchy one, the delivery system is now its own nightmare. Am I a J-Dater? Am I after a MILF? Can I narrow myself down dating only millionaire women?



Oh, darn. That last one is only for women looking for millionaires. Maybe the market niche for men looking to date millionairesses is ripe for exploitation.



When we're all in our dotage, I predict we'll look back on this time with amusement. Apart from the fact that our current state of connectedness will look as clumsy as Bill Gates trying to dance, internet dating will look spectacularly agricultural. Most of these places are great big classified sites with photos. They suit men because we can rifle through a ton of photographs to find the horniest looking women, and send them an email to spark their attention. NO effort required. Thoughtful interest in finding a real relationship NON-existent. Trolling for sex at a MAXIMUM.



Yes, I know. Relationships do start from dating websites. My point is that they're entirely unnatural. Are we really designed to meet people by way of a People Catalogue? Does the supermarket Dating Aisle sound right to you?



There are some folks creating more organic sites. My favourite is Barstalk. The idea of meeting people in real life is the BIG reason I like the idea. It feels much closer to the natural architecture of finding a mate. They use the internet as it should be, as a filter to discard those who aren't up for a drink. Not that drinking is necessarily the right connective tissue for everyone, but if you do drink and live in New York City, it's logical to see if there's someone out there who shares your bar preference or simply looks like a likely martini-partner.



Too many choices make life overwhelming. Simplicity burns away the fog of indecision. Dating can be simple too. Let it be so.









Bottoms Up, Captain Morgan.

Law and Order

"In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories."

In the first-time dating arena, the participants are apt to forget two critical yet often overlooked flaws: that we mask the truth about ourselves, and turn a blind eye to the incompatibilities of others. These will emerge later.




Bottoms Up, Optimists.

Inquiring Minds

Evan Rachel Wood photo credit.

First dates are a stressful beast, best avoided. All very well, but unless you're already with someone or have taken a vow of celibacy, skipping the Big Number One is impossible.

Oh, we could try some word-play, by calling it "meeting for coffee" or "getting together for a cocktail" but we all know a first date by any name is still a first date: in essence, it's a job interview.

Separating the first date from merely meeting someone is the unspoken fact that sex is on the table. Perhaps not immediately, but at some point, both parties are sizing up the other as not only a potential day-to-day partner, but a sexual partner as well. Let's say that if sex isn't on the table, it's certainly lurking under the table.

Subtext. Sex is the subtext on all first dates. Which is a pity, because we all know that thinking about sex - even peripherally - leads to dumbing down the rest of our thought process. When Mr Penis or Misses Ovaries take over, deep thought is deep-sixed. That's my experience.

In any case, I'm trying to re-formulate the First Date, thinking of ways to make it less charged, and more like two people spending time in new company. If you have any ideas about the kind of questions you would like to ask, or would like asked of you on such a date, I'd be keen to know.

How can we connect and communicate better?





Bottoms Up, Thinkers.

New Date Types - Wombatgram #15

Words don't always describe the kind of date your friends want to know ALL about.

Herewith, my suggestions.

Click on Wombatgram for biggah pictuh.



Bottoms Up New Age Daters.

The First Sex

FIAT hottie photo credit.

I didn't quite find my point with this post; Stop/Start. How about a fresh start - from the beginning maestro.

Tap tap.

When the time comes for the the first shag, it's best to keep everything pretty simple. In my experience, that is. You horny sexual gymnast kink-monsters with libidos like mountain ranges and parts that never stop can get away with anything. This is your regular, slightly mystified male talking here.

Notwithstanding any prior conversations or imaginings, there is no way to know what she's like when the carnal beast within is released.

:-> She might say she gives the best head in the world, but what's the standard by which we measure that?

:-> Quite possibly she's open to anything you might ask, but how smart is it to ask for sex over a barstool on the very first shot?

:-> She talks a big game about wanting it all the time - alright, let's get a hotel room for a week and check it out.

No. The wise man who is about to dip his wick for the first time shows control by reigning in his outlier predelictions. He captures the black swan and discreetly deposits it in the henhouse for a while. One step at a time, Junior Wombat. The Bonk Bus is best enjoyed as a long ride up the mountain, not a scamper to the top and a BASE jump.


Bottoms Up, Gradual Learners.