Excuse me. Do you need a pick-up?

My friend Martian, an astute thinker in these matters, posed some excellent questions about my recent advocacy of the PUA movement. Herewith my position on the matter.

As an introduction for the unfamiliar, courtesy Wikipedia: 

A pickup artist is a man perceived to be skilled in the art of finding, attracting, and seducing women by the seduction community. Such a man purportedly abides by a certain system deemed effective by that community in his attempts to seduce women.

The PUA phenomenon came to public view when Neil Strauss wrote and published his book "The Game" in 2005. The book is an embedded journalist's experience of starting as a newbie PUA, taking courses, being mentored and applying what he learned. Along the way we learn about some of the more famous characters who teach aspiring PUAs, and the somewhat seedy business of the same guys making money by doing so.

I say seedy because my biggest argument against the PUA movement is its chaotic commercial classlessness. Every website, every portal, every interaction appears to this man's eye as an attempt to sign me up for a class or otherwise take my money. Not only is it distasteful, but it smells like carnival barking.

And it shouldn't. Men seeking an advantage over other men in the quest for women is an ancient motivator. It's biological, too, if the animal world is any guide. Males of all mammalian and bird and I guess reptilian species attempt to out-do one another when trying to attract a mate. It's the National Geographic version of what in business we call competitive advantage. In fact, I'm made quizzical by the fact that humans are one of few species where males are notably less colourful/attractive than females. One wonders what behavioural, genetic or biological quirk caused that.

The distillation of PUA thinking is that ordinary males can attract women they thought previously unattainable. Small behavioural modifications and a big helping of self-confidence go a long way towards that goal. That's it. Yes, there's ego-driven showmanship involved; yes, it's clear some guys become obsessed (for a while at least); and no, it's not for everyone.

However, my support stems from the general idea that any kind of public discussion regarding how male/female interactions work is good. I'd hardly be able to think otherwise, given the six years and over 1,000 posts here. Not every idea out there is good, but sometimes we find horseshoes in horseshit. The way I view PUA adherents is that they have the same mindset distribution as the religious; a few are fervent and annoying devotees, and the rest pick and choose what works individually.

Despite those extremists, there are some genuinely good notions here. I hinted at self-confidence, which will help some guys. Ditto a little peacocking. Choosing a new way with opening lines can't hurt. And why not try a little hard-to-get play? You get the drift. If you're stuck in a rut unable to even start a conversation with women, surely changing your attitude is worth a shot. Having said that, I have no doubt that most PUA types pretty quickly return to being themselves, because the act is too hard to sustain. It's why I do not fear a nation of ego-centric trim-chasers - human nature is so biased against it over the longer term. (Most) guys really do want to settle down with one woman.

The PUA world will stand or fall on one simple idea: that if no woman ever reacts positively to a pick-up artist, then the argument for their methods evaporates. It's a supply and demand case. Each woman they approach will determine the outcome, which is exactly as it should be. If a woman chooses to shag a misogynistic and paternal butt-hole, that's entirely her business.

As long as these guys remain within the boundaries of both the law and morality, it remains rightly a private matter between consenting adults. Other elements in society might not like it, but that's too bad. No laws exist against foolishness or flawed thinking as far as I'm aware...yet.




Bottoms Up, Lady-Lifters.

Lessons From My Cat - Part 5

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 

Robert A Heinlein

Since reading "The Game" back when it first was published, I've been an admirer of the Society of Pick-Up Artists. The book itself was a minor triumph of genius, and the world it describes a testament to single-mindedness. Men with the wherewithal to dedicate their entire beings to bedding babes deserve my admiration, if not outright respect. 

The PUA devotion to duty isn't for everyone. If all guys were out there peacocking, it would be a weird world all around. And, of course, the magic would stop working. Differentiation is a large part of being a PUA - without slobs, there's no advantage. If everyone can afford an iPhone, the aspirational price difference disappears.  

Women, fortunately, aren't iPhones, even if they're both beautiful, smooth and weighted just right. Women don't have the same kind of focus on men, because they don't need the same kind of focus. There is no PUA movement for ladies. Which isn't to say that women aren't interested in finding the hot guy, because obviously they are. It's just that their tactics are different. 

Cats provide the best way of explaining how this works. A cat's focus, like a woman's, can change in a split second. Right now my cat might be grooming, looking as content as can be; then suddenly she's off inspecting her territory, checking the fence-line. Instantly, she'll stop and spend thirty minutes staring into space, as if she's waiting for someone to tell her how beautiful she is, and the next she'll be sitting on my keyboard actively pushing for attention. It's all very....unpredictable. If you're a male, that is. 

The recipe for men here is to understand the following: 

+ don't ever attempt to predict a woman; it will drive you crazy.

+ be consistent; I give my cat shelter, food, warmth, love and care at all times. I am rewarded with affection on her timetable. That's the deal. Consider being a rock with your woman.

+ the above doesn't stop me trying to get a purr started; no harm in trying.

+ it's a weird quantum universe, so you'll never know what your woman sees in you. Don't think about it. Just be the best you can be, and all good things will follow. 

+ women's sexual motor doesn't idle like ours; it can be off altogether, and will require starting. (See purr-starting attempts above.) Mostly if you're good, it'll work, but there's no certainty. If you fail, wait a while and try again. 

+ work with what you're given.

You see, although I think the PUA guys are on to something, it's a very long ride to a short payoff. The lads are constantly paddling into the surf break to find the one wave that's going in their direction. The other way is to be at one with the ocean, sit quietly on your board and wait for the wave to come to you. 

Bottoms Up, Surfriding Dudes.

Friday Fluffer - Catch a Flight, Catch a Date

Even the most unlikely venues are stalking grounds for single hunters looking. In airports now we can find someone new, and they (the airports) come complete with an utterly plausible early exit strategy.

"I'm sorry darling, my flight's leaving."

It's hard to say "Don't leave me now!" when that's the reason you collided in the first place.

This article explains the best places to meet and canoodle a fellow-traveler. SFW



Bottoms Up, Jetsetters.

How Do I Find Women?

Christie Hartman wrote this thoughtful piece called Why Bars Suck for Meeting Women.

Did you read it? Good.

In my opinion, Dr Christie is right. But I can't help feeling that there's more to it.

Here's where we agree:

~ bars are about alcohol, and alcohol can be bad wrt dating judgement etc

~ bars can be noisy and bad for chatting

~ bars are not full of women looking for a man

But:

~ bars are about alcohol, which does loosen people up

~ bars can be quiet enough to talk in comfort

~ bars do serve women who are looking for a man

I think the big point Dr C is making is that men in a bar are motivated differently from the women. Fair enough. Men might be there to pick up chicks, but they're also there for other reasons, such as getting a buzz on, being with buddies, or checking out other people.

Wait a second...these reasons...finding a buzz, being with girlfriends, or checking out other people: Couldn't they be female motivations too?

That is my only point of slight disagreement with the post. Bars attract people because they are designed around sociability, with the lubricant to make it work. It will forever be so, and men will always be on the lookout for women there, because we're always on the lookout for women, whether that's a good idea or not.

Importantly: It's not necessarily about finding women, it's about the activity of being in the place where we think the probability is better. To use a simile, they call it "fishing", not "catching". Each has its own reward.

Outside of work, finding venues where you might just bump into someone new and delicious isn't that easy. Yes, we should all be more clever about this. Single, available women are everywhere - the supermarket, the gym, the coffee shop and on the train in the morning. But for an individual man to approach a woman in any of those settings requires a goodly amount of chutzpah.

Which isn't to say that we shouldn't - in fact, I advocate for men to widen their scope of interests and venues in which they approach and attempt to connect with women. Because I think online dating is bad for us, my alternative is for men to look up from their phones and notice the woman ahead of them in the coffee line. Talk to her and say hello. That's how we learn to be in the real world again.



Bottoms Up, One-Step-at-a-Timers.