Smoke and Penises

Elena's pic credit.

A work colleague used the expression "head job" last week.

It wasn't an inappropriate use of the phrase, despite the nauseating level of "sensitivity-" and "harassment-" and sundry other politically correct "-training" insanities that bejewel working life thesedays.

No-one was insulted or harassed or made the victim of smutty innuendo - it was a simple anecdote in which "head shop" was misunderstood as "head job".

Okay, so it's a predictable spoonerism. More of interest is the unfashionability of the term "head job". It sounds so eighties to me - something that a drunk film star would say on a late-night chat show. Or how a teenager would shock its' parents.

"Head job" has, of course, been replaced with "blow job". It's a matter of record that the BJ involves the male ejaculate, whereas giving head is the oral precursor. In a way it reflects the supersize- me mentality: Give me the most of everything you can, whether I can stomach it or not.

Frankly, I'm wistful about the head job. It's a remnant from a (slightly) less debauched time, more about the fun of the penis than the end result. Head celebrates the journey rather than the destination. Head is innocent; blowing is intentional. Head is bucolic. BJs are industrial.

I'm just a funny old romantic.





Bottoms Up, Smokers.

Constant Change

Diane Farr pic from TV Guide

The dilemma for the curious person is this:

A stable partner is good for all sorts of reasons.

But a little instability in one's life is also good, particularly in one's sex life. Being off balance makes us work new muscles. The trick is to not topple.

Once you've found someone with whom you have a groove, it's natural to want to keep it. If we mesh, the machinery of life whirs wonderfully.

We all change and morph over time, and so do the things that turn us on or turn us off.

With one partner, unless we're both concentrating on keeping it interesting, the risk is of falling into a rut.

And the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

I'm not advocating cheating or weird marital arrangements - neither will work. Thinking about how to encourage one's partner to be open to a little exploration, now that might be just the (small) off-centredness we need.




Bottoms Up, Changelings.

Intimacy

If we distill what we're looking for, I think the liquor we want is intimacy.

Sex is a part of intimacy, but only if we understand the other person. The corollary is that we can have intimacy without sex. You might not agree with that, and I understand why. Intimacy, however, is like understanding mountains: you can climb them, or you can observe them. Either way you can be awed and changed. One need not preclude the other to find wonderment.

One non-negotiable element of intimacy is closeness. LDRs, phone sex, letters and sexting: none of these make for, or even add to, an intimate relationship.

Intimacy is way more about vulnerability than much else. Admission of weakness; owning up to uncertainty; willingness to risk emotional ruin: these are the inputs to an intimate time.

I'd go further. Some of the most intimate moments with women are those before sex arises. Tension between men and women magnifies the closeness, highlights what's missing. These are delicious seconds, or, if you can resist the urge to toss off your kit and shag, minutes.

Anticipation and delayed gratification. Damn them.



Bottoms Up, Delayers!