Nothing Is What It Seems.

Boston's Best Single Girl gets to the nub of the matter: why do we categorize relationships?

To me, the answer is simplistic, if not simple: Because that's the way we are. Knowing in which mental room to place our relationship furniture gives us comfort. That's all. It's housekeeping.

However, something about her post unsettled me. Relationships come in all shapes and dynamics. Each one will by definition be different from all the others, because the sum of two individuals will be itself individual. But why is it that so many liaisons end up in the way she describes, with one side unbalancing things?

Maybe that is the nature of people interacting sexually and intellectually . Perhaps these things are unstable until they reach a common energy level, which can only be found with time and raw feedback. The instability will either resolve or not. I don't know.

What I do know is that mismatched motives are the hidden time-bomb in most relationships, of any length. That's because we so infrequently acknowledge the whats and whys of what we're looking for in another, and even less frequently state them out loud. Partly this is because we're not taught that self-examination - self-observation if you like - is a valuable art, but our biology doesn't value it either. Reproduction and everything surrounding it is Mother Nature's only concern. She's a pile 'em high, sell 'em cheap kind of life retailer, interested only in getting as many new bodies out there as possible.

On the other hand, we have created the culture of relationships. They're an intellectual pursuit in that they rely on more abstract ideas than "wow, she's/he's sexy, I'm horny, let's do it". Unfortunately, we impute the latter criteria as a starting point for the former, which is a little like trying to construct a nuclear weapon by throwing rocks.

The good news is that we can immediately change the way of the future. If you say to yourself (and everyone else):

Okay. What I'm looking for right now in a person is a sexual relationship that has a smattering of conversation about books and wine...

...then that will tell the other person something of the clarity and the specificity of your thinking.

I think what most of us do is to attempt to find the one person who will complement all of our current and future needs. That's the ideal, and a good one. Whether it's practical or not is another question.

That's unsettling.

In any case, go read the Boston Girl. She has a gift.




Bottoms Up, New Englanders.