Mini-Breaks and Major Breakdowns: Dating and Travel.

Inevitably, when a relationship reaches a certain point, the idea of travelling somewhere together hauls itself into view. Travel is to relationships as derivatives trading is to your retirement account - when it works it's great, but when it doesn't, everything blows up.

Yes, I'm wary of the first-time trip. Having been through a few of these cycles, I'm acutely aware of their approach. I can smell impending mini-break from six weeks out, so attuned are my senses to the signals. Michigan deer in hunting season are less sensitive than I am to the sound of "romantic getaway" being Googled on my girlfriend's Galaxy. So good am I at sniffing "long weekend" in the air, that I can predict both the kind of travel she's contemplating AND the cost of room service once we get there.

And I can do this for any woman, once I've known her for a month. It's a gift.

The reason I'm skittish about travelling for the first time is the unpredictability factor. Travel can be exhausting, exasperating, boring, scary, disillusioning, intrusive, stressful and challenging. And that's just the ride to the airport. In day-to-day non-travel dating, we avoid almost all of the above reactions, so that if some unexpected emotions arise, there's always a way out - either party can just go home.

When you're away on a trip, that option is eliminated. You must deal with the moments as they occur, no matter what else is going on. The pressure here is that travel puts you at the whim of other people and a universe that delights in creating mazes for those far from home. Regular life is all about us controlling the environment, to steal a military term. Travel life is all about reacting to the environment, as well as to your companion.

My advice to men is to always be ahead of this curve. Don't wait until she suggests a weekend leaf-peeping in New Hampshire, or a mid-week tryst on South Beach. Make sure that you have a plan and pre-empt her ideas. When you figure she's on the verge of suggesting a trip, surprise her, and present it as a package that you have organized completely. She need do nothing but pack.

The reasons for doing this are many, but boil down to a couple of points. One, you must control the length of your travel. To start with, shorter is always better. Two, you must figure out a place that she will like, but that fits you. This really only applies to the first and perhaps second time away, because it will become clear very early in the process if she's a good traveller or not. Being in a place, doing things that you have had time to pre-think will make you less stressed. You are minimizing the unexpected. In turn, that will allow your lady to sense your mastery of this travel biz, and remain non-frazzled accordingly.

Which brings us to the important part. Because travel will face you both with having to figure out stuff without being able to run away, it's a great test. Even the most benign Saturday night away at a small hotel somewhere is a concentrated slice of a future life together. If there is a future with this woman, the way she handles everything from the TSA drone to the fact that she forgot her phone charger will tell you much about the real person behind the dating persona.


A good-humoured, calm travelling partner, I posit, will make a great life partner.




Bottoms Up, Caravanerais.

Lessons From My Cat - Part 5

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 

Robert A Heinlein

Since reading "The Game" back when it first was published, I've been an admirer of the Society of Pick-Up Artists. The book itself was a minor triumph of genius, and the world it describes a testament to single-mindedness. Men with the wherewithal to dedicate their entire beings to bedding babes deserve my admiration, if not outright respect. 

The PUA devotion to duty isn't for everyone. If all guys were out there peacocking, it would be a weird world all around. And, of course, the magic would stop working. Differentiation is a large part of being a PUA - without slobs, there's no advantage. If everyone can afford an iPhone, the aspirational price difference disappears.  

Women, fortunately, aren't iPhones, even if they're both beautiful, smooth and weighted just right. Women don't have the same kind of focus on men, because they don't need the same kind of focus. There is no PUA movement for ladies. Which isn't to say that women aren't interested in finding the hot guy, because obviously they are. It's just that their tactics are different. 

Cats provide the best way of explaining how this works. A cat's focus, like a woman's, can change in a split second. Right now my cat might be grooming, looking as content as can be; then suddenly she's off inspecting her territory, checking the fence-line. Instantly, she'll stop and spend thirty minutes staring into space, as if she's waiting for someone to tell her how beautiful she is, and the next she'll be sitting on my keyboard actively pushing for attention. It's all very....unpredictable. If you're a male, that is. 

The recipe for men here is to understand the following: 

+ don't ever attempt to predict a woman; it will drive you crazy.

+ be consistent; I give my cat shelter, food, warmth, love and care at all times. I am rewarded with affection on her timetable. That's the deal. Consider being a rock with your woman.

+ the above doesn't stop me trying to get a purr started; no harm in trying.

+ it's a weird quantum universe, so you'll never know what your woman sees in you. Don't think about it. Just be the best you can be, and all good things will follow. 

+ women's sexual motor doesn't idle like ours; it can be off altogether, and will require starting. (See purr-starting attempts above.) Mostly if you're good, it'll work, but there's no certainty. If you fail, wait a while and try again. 

+ work with what you're given.

You see, although I think the PUA guys are on to something, it's a very long ride to a short payoff. The lads are constantly paddling into the surf break to find the one wave that's going in their direction. The other way is to be at one with the ocean, sit quietly on your board and wait for the wave to come to you. 

Bottoms Up, Surfriding Dudes.

Lessons From My Cat - Part 4

If you would know a man, observe how he treats a cat.

Robert A. Heinlein.

Cats, like women, tell you how they're feeling, just as long as you understand their language.

Let's remember that we have the advantage of a sophisticated spoken language to communicate. That is not the complete blessing you'd imagine. As accurate as English can be, it can also be used for misdirection and confusion. Argument and hurt are powerful reminders of the power of words.

A much simpler and easier to understand language is the cat purr. Purring is not completely understood, because cats use it when at both ends of the emotional spectrum: when they're happy and content, and when they're scared. However, for we amateur cat fanciers, there are only three kinds of purr we need to understand.

* the Perfunctory Purr is the greeting purr your feline will give as an offering of welcome. When you arrive home from work, she'll rub your legs (to confirm ownership) and purr for our benefit. It's the equivalent of...  


Hi honey! It's nice to smell you. How was your day?


* the Head Purr is practically the same as the Perfunctory Purr, but is used for a different reason. It shows that your cat is happy, but with a measure of wariness. This is the kind of purr you'll hear when you are working with your computer, and Paws decides she wants to prove she's more interesting that the screen. She'll sit between you and your work, or walk across the keyboard, or chase the mouse (!) She's saying...

Hey, pal, I'm in the mood for some play! Let's get with the program and pay attention. 


* the Total Body Purr is when your furry friend has completely given herself to being with you. Oftentimes she'll be sitting on your lap, or lying next to you/on you. The purr, as the name implies, encompasses her whole body, telling you that she's completely at ease in your company, fully trusting that everything's okay. My cat will let me - no! make me! - scruff her belly, which increases the intensity of her purr. When a cat is comfortable enough to bare their belly, they are showing you they have no fear - they're giving YOU their most valuable gift.

Vulnerability, or even the appearance of vulnerability, is the common thread between women and cats. Both have to be self-protective, even if they find people deserving of their trust. On a solemn note, men can be cats' best friends, but some men will be their worst enemy. It's the same for women. Men who want to be with and protect women are their greatest ally. Other types of men are their most dangerous enemy.

That's why women should carefully consider Heinlein's quote, above.




Bottoms Up, Purring Beauties.

Pillow Talk

If you drew blood after sex and examined it under a microscope, I'm sure we'd find it was full of rainbows, starbursts, heavenly choirs and popping champagne. Researchers should investigate this immediately.

The breathless effects of the sex last a while; awesome. It's a Zone apart from everything. In The Zone comes the pillow talk, which is not to say that PT requires The Zone, only that it's better.

I like the pillow talk. I like it because it's about as intimate as talking can get, meaning that we're both more vulnerable and free of everyday thinking than usual. In a way, it's the opposite of arguing, where one or both sides operate from a bunker of hurt or manipulation. When you're in bed, both in the moment, there are no agendas or power-plays. It's a time for innocence. It's a time to meet.

However. Nobody will ever warn you about the dangers of pillow talk. Because of the mental nudity involved, one might spill stuff, stuff that should probably otherwise stay hidden. Little secrets, small indiscretions, gossip; all the bullshit daily human mud that we normally filter - in the interests of harmony - can slip out.

So beware. Sex is wonderful. Pillow talk is beautiful. Being positive keeps it that way. Best not to drag the outside world in to share the moment. 






Bottoms Up, Happy Horizontal Chatters.