How Do I Find Women?

Christie Hartman wrote this thoughtful piece called Why Bars Suck for Meeting Women.

Did you read it? Good.

In my opinion, Dr Christie is right. But I can't help feeling that there's more to it.

Here's where we agree:

~ bars are about alcohol, and alcohol can be bad wrt dating judgement etc

~ bars can be noisy and bad for chatting

~ bars are not full of women looking for a man

But:

~ bars are about alcohol, which does loosen people up

~ bars can be quiet enough to talk in comfort

~ bars do serve women who are looking for a man

I think the big point Dr C is making is that men in a bar are motivated differently from the women. Fair enough. Men might be there to pick up chicks, but they're also there for other reasons, such as getting a buzz on, being with buddies, or checking out other people.

Wait a second...these reasons...finding a buzz, being with girlfriends, or checking out other people: Couldn't they be female motivations too?

That is my only point of slight disagreement with the post. Bars attract people because they are designed around sociability, with the lubricant to make it work. It will forever be so, and men will always be on the lookout for women there, because we're always on the lookout for women, whether that's a good idea or not.

Importantly: It's not necessarily about finding women, it's about the activity of being in the place where we think the probability is better. To use a simile, they call it "fishing", not "catching". Each has its own reward.

Outside of work, finding venues where you might just bump into someone new and delicious isn't that easy. Yes, we should all be more clever about this. Single, available women are everywhere - the supermarket, the gym, the coffee shop and on the train in the morning. But for an individual man to approach a woman in any of those settings requires a goodly amount of chutzpah.

Which isn't to say that we shouldn't - in fact, I advocate for men to widen their scope of interests and venues in which they approach and attempt to connect with women. Because I think online dating is bad for us, my alternative is for men to look up from their phones and notice the woman ahead of them in the coffee line. Talk to her and say hello. That's how we learn to be in the real world again.



Bottoms Up, One-Step-at-a-Timers.