The question Doc Annie asked is:
When men DO put women at the center of their universe, why does it not appear that way to women?
I think - and am soliciting ideas from other guys here - that the answer lies in the way I, and other men, compartmentalize our lives in our heads.
We have the work compartment, the recreation compartment, the obligation to family compartment, our buddy compartment and so on. Wives, girlfriends and lovers fall into the sex and romance compartment, which has a possible common door with the family compartment.
Difficulties arise because as men, we can only be in one compartment at once.
If we are in the 'watching sports on television' compartment, that's where we are. Moving from there to the 'being attentive to my girlfriend' compartment requires us to get up off the couch, turn off the teev, put the dishes in the dishwasher, grab our jacket, walk out of the compartment, lock the door, walk along the hallway, locate the 'being attentive to girlfriend' door, find the key, let ourselves in, go to the kitchen, smell the air, look in the fridge, wonder how the game is progressing....and then see about being attentive to our girlfriend.
It's all about the unchangeable fact that I, we, can only think about one thing at a time. It's a limitation, right there in the handbook "Men: Your Operating Guidebook".
Here's a way for women to think about it. Men's minds are like a multi-story apartment building, with many levels, and many apartments. Each apartment is an abstract 'compartment' in our mind. Crucial to understanding this (sorry to belabour the point) is that we are only occupying one apartment at a time.
Now for the critical idea: because we are landlords overseeing a whole bunch of apartments, there is no unification of them. We cannot amalgamate all of these separate parts of our mental multi-story into one. All the walls are load bearing, so knocking one down creates problems for us processing stuff. It's like a clash of disparate universes; Lord knows how matter from one will react with another. Nuclear meltdown is entirely possible. For an example, see the previous post.
So when we say "You're the centre of my universe" what we mean is that you are at the centre of the "girlfriend/sex/romance" universe, not the one universe that is a woman's mind.
Women (again, I think) have minds like one of those atrium-style hotels with a big, big internal space into which all the rooms or apartments face. Y'all can have one centre of it all, with all the constituent parts (apartments) working together to create and view the shiny disco ball out there in the atrium. Onc centre, one focus.
Men have a building with corridors, hallways and back passages, linking many apartments, with no way of (easily) combining them into a whole.
That's the difference. And that's why when men say a woman is the centre of their universe, it doesn't mean the same thing. We're talking about two different and separate universes.
Even Einstein would be confused.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Farmers' Markets' Army of Believers
Fueled by the books of Michael Pollan and Mark Bittman, among others, and by the recent release of films such as Food, Inc. and Food Fight, a lot of people are talking about food policy in the United States.
With so many people suffering from diabetes, Americans have paid a high price for the convenience of fast food. When the First Lady digs up part of the White House lawn to plant a garden, you know we're either at war or there's a problem with what American's are eating.
Knowing that consumers want a reliable, healthy food supply, corporations use phrases like "Organic," "Farm Fresh," "Healthy Choice" and "100% Natural" as marketing tools to keep processed foods in our pantries.
Access to fresh, affordable produce is essential to good health. The big question is how to do that?
Those of us who live in communities with farmers' markets are lucky. In our area, we have two great farmers' markets: the Santa Monica Farmers' Market and the Sunday Pacific Palisades Farmers' Market.
In Southern California the full bounty of summer is apparent on the farmers' heavily laden tables.
Besides being a source of good food products, farmers' markets are good for one's mood. No matter what modern-living crisis we're dealing with, an unhurried walk around the market is calming and reviving.
Sampling the stone fruit and citrus from Arnett Farms, eating a plate of raw clams at Carlsbad Aquafarms, talking with John, the co-owner of Sweredoski Farms, and hearing his stories about being a Marine before he became a farmer, or literally stopping and smelling the roses at Bernie and Linda's Kendall Garden Roses stand. There is something very satisfying about knowing where your food came from and meeting the farmers who brought it to market.
Recently I interviewed master chef Albert Roux, famous for having revolutionized French cooking in England. In March he opened a restaurant outside of Houston, Texas. Since he trained Marco Pierre White and Hell's Kitchen's Gordon Ramsey, Chef Roux is an experienced cook who has seen it all.
What animated him the most during the interview was his joy at having access to American food products. He delighted in the high quality of Alaskan salmon, Maine scallops, and "happy," free range chickens. And what moved him the most was the dedication of the farmers who sold their wares at the local farmers' markets.
Even though, as he said, they knew they would never make a fortune from their farms, these farmers worked hard so that they could proudly deliver to the market the best produce they could.
Chef Roux called them "the army of believers".
But there aren't enough farmers' markets to solve the problems created by America's reliance on processed food.
If you're lucky enough to have one in your neighborhood, that's great. Even if you don't know how to cook it's easy enough to walk over to a farmer's table and buy pesticide-free fruit and vegetables so you can eat a fresh peach or make a salad.
But even if you don't have a farmers' market close to where you live, it's important to understand that learning to cook is important for your health. Supermarket chains and neighborhood mom and pop stores might not have the best produce, but some produce is better than none.
Access to fresh produce is one issue, the other is understanding that learning to cook is important for your health. The problem is many people have bought into the idea that prepared and convenience foods are just easier to deal with and take less time to prepare. But as Tom Laskawy recently pointed out, it's only a little more time-consuming to cook a meal than it is to microwave one.
There are many ways to promote good health, but certainly eating well is centrally important. In the long run, if you know how to shop for good ingredients and how to cook, you'll save money, have better tasting food, and stay healthier longer.
From the Palisades Farmers' Market today, we brought home a bag heavy with fresh ears of corn, ripe peaches and pluots, a tray of sweet red raspberries, just-caught fish, and fresh arugula, spinach, Italian parsley, and Persian cucumbers.
In my posts this week I'll describe what we cooked for our Sunday dinner: a risotto with squash blossoms and baby zucchini and ginger-soy poached black cod with sauteed garlic-spinach.
Both dishes took no more than 30 minutes to prepare, cook, and serve. Virtually all the ingredients came from our local farmers' markets.
With so many people suffering from diabetes, Americans have paid a high price for the convenience of fast food. When the First Lady digs up part of the White House lawn to plant a garden, you know we're either at war or there's a problem with what American's are eating.
Knowing that consumers want a reliable, healthy food supply, corporations use phrases like "Organic," "Farm Fresh," "Healthy Choice" and "100% Natural" as marketing tools to keep processed foods in our pantries.
Access to fresh, affordable produce is essential to good health. The big question is how to do that?
Those of us who live in communities with farmers' markets are lucky. In our area, we have two great farmers' markets: the Santa Monica Farmers' Market and the Sunday Pacific Palisades Farmers' Market.
In Southern California the full bounty of summer is apparent on the farmers' heavily laden tables.
Besides being a source of good food products, farmers' markets are good for one's mood. No matter what modern-living crisis we're dealing with, an unhurried walk around the market is calming and reviving.
Sampling the stone fruit and citrus from Arnett Farms, eating a plate of raw clams at Carlsbad Aquafarms, talking with John, the co-owner of Sweredoski Farms, and hearing his stories about being a Marine before he became a farmer, or literally stopping and smelling the roses at Bernie and Linda's Kendall Garden Roses stand. There is something very satisfying about knowing where your food came from and meeting the farmers who brought it to market.
Recently I interviewed master chef Albert Roux, famous for having revolutionized French cooking in England. In March he opened a restaurant outside of Houston, Texas. Since he trained Marco Pierre White and Hell's Kitchen's Gordon Ramsey, Chef Roux is an experienced cook who has seen it all.
What animated him the most during the interview was his joy at having access to American food products. He delighted in the high quality of Alaskan salmon, Maine scallops, and "happy," free range chickens. And what moved him the most was the dedication of the farmers who sold their wares at the local farmers' markets.
Even though, as he said, they knew they would never make a fortune from their farms, these farmers worked hard so that they could proudly deliver to the market the best produce they could.
Chef Roux called them "the army of believers".
But there aren't enough farmers' markets to solve the problems created by America's reliance on processed food.
If you're lucky enough to have one in your neighborhood, that's great. Even if you don't know how to cook it's easy enough to walk over to a farmer's table and buy pesticide-free fruit and vegetables so you can eat a fresh peach or make a salad.
But even if you don't have a farmers' market close to where you live, it's important to understand that learning to cook is important for your health. Supermarket chains and neighborhood mom and pop stores might not have the best produce, but some produce is better than none.
Access to fresh produce is one issue, the other is understanding that learning to cook is important for your health. The problem is many people have bought into the idea that prepared and convenience foods are just easier to deal with and take less time to prepare. But as Tom Laskawy recently pointed out, it's only a little more time-consuming to cook a meal than it is to microwave one.
There are many ways to promote good health, but certainly eating well is centrally important. In the long run, if you know how to shop for good ingredients and how to cook, you'll save money, have better tasting food, and stay healthier longer.
From the Palisades Farmers' Market today, we brought home a bag heavy with fresh ears of corn, ripe peaches and pluots, a tray of sweet red raspberries, just-caught fish, and fresh arugula, spinach, Italian parsley, and Persian cucumbers.
In my posts this week I'll describe what we cooked for our Sunday dinner: a risotto with squash blossoms and baby zucchini and ginger-soy poached black cod with sauteed garlic-spinach.
Both dishes took no more than 30 minutes to prepare, cook, and serve. Virtually all the ingredients came from our local farmers' markets.
Friday, July 10, 2009
The Last to Know
Earlier this week a friend told me about two male acquaintances of his. They both had the same experience of finding out their marriages were over.
The men were in their thirties, with young children. They arrived home from work to find their wives sitting at the dining table with a strange man.
"I have something to tell you," the wives said. "This is (the other man's name) and we have been together for eighteen months. Our marriage is over. I'm with (him) now."
One of the guys related that the next time he remembers anything, it was three hours later, and he came to standing in the same place. That sounds like a classic symptom of shock.
I'm not interested in the fact of the infidelities. That is an equal opportunity sex failure. What does interest me is the reactions of both of the cuckolded guys. They (predictably enough) sought solace in booze or drugs or both. One of them didn't turn up for work for three weeks, and when he did, told the boss to Get Fucked. When asked what was up, he burst into tears and spent four hours telling his story.
The other guy went to hard drugs, and took a lot of dead-end jobs. After a few months he left his town, and went to California. My friend hasn't heard of him in ten years.
These are unremarkable tales, sad and dispiriting. Unfortunately they are played out every day, everywhere. So I wonder why men so regularly make the women in their lives the centre of those lives. Because relationships go wrong, having a sense of perspective about onesself and the people in one's life is an important skill. Shit happens. Finding a way to understand and deal with the bad days is an art foreign to many men, including me.
We're supposed to be the strong sex, but I think not. What we are is the delusional sex, often living in a bubble of make-happy of our own creation. The world can be cruel, and having a way to deal with that without drowning ourselves in whisky or dope or sex would be a big step forward.
The men were in their thirties, with young children. They arrived home from work to find their wives sitting at the dining table with a strange man.
"I have something to tell you," the wives said. "This is (the other man's name) and we have been together for eighteen months. Our marriage is over. I'm with (him) now."
One of the guys related that the next time he remembers anything, it was three hours later, and he came to standing in the same place. That sounds like a classic symptom of shock.
I'm not interested in the fact of the infidelities. That is an equal opportunity sex failure. What does interest me is the reactions of both of the cuckolded guys. They (predictably enough) sought solace in booze or drugs or both. One of them didn't turn up for work for three weeks, and when he did, told the boss to Get Fucked. When asked what was up, he burst into tears and spent four hours telling his story.
The other guy went to hard drugs, and took a lot of dead-end jobs. After a few months he left his town, and went to California. My friend hasn't heard of him in ten years.
These are unremarkable tales, sad and dispiriting. Unfortunately they are played out every day, everywhere. So I wonder why men so regularly make the women in their lives the centre of those lives. Because relationships go wrong, having a sense of perspective about onesself and the people in one's life is an important skill. Shit happens. Finding a way to understand and deal with the bad days is an art foreign to many men, including me.
We're supposed to be the strong sex, but I think not. What we are is the delusional sex, often living in a bubble of make-happy of our own creation. The world can be cruel, and having a way to deal with that without drowning ourselves in whisky or dope or sex would be a big step forward.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Broccoli Salad
I have two things for you tonight... the first is a photo from the last time I got to dogsit that I couldn't help but share :)
The second is a broccoli salad I made the other night. There are many variations out there, this is just what I was in the mood for :) It works for dinner, or beside some Garlic Scape soup (from Super Natural Cooking) for lunch! I love the tang of the dressing with the crunchy broccoli, sweet apples and tart cherries :)
Broccoli Salad w/Apples & Dried Cherries
Recipe by Shannon
Yield: 4c
2 stalks of broccoli, florets chopped (~3c worth)
1 apple, diced
2-3T dried tart cherries, chopped
1T champagne vinegar (or any other vinegar you like)
zest of 1 lemon
juice of 1/2 lemon
1T whole grain dijon mustard
1-2T mild oil (I use Smart Balance Omega oil)
s/p, to taste
Optional toppings: chopped nuts or seeds
Whisk together dressing (vinegar through oil and light s/p). Add broccoli, apple and cherres, toss to combine. Taste and adjust seasoning. Refrigerate for at least 1 hour to allow flavors to come together. Top with any desired nuts/seeds just before serving.
The second is a broccoli salad I made the other night. There are many variations out there, this is just what I was in the mood for :) It works for dinner, or beside some Garlic Scape soup (from Super Natural Cooking) for lunch! I love the tang of the dressing with the crunchy broccoli, sweet apples and tart cherries :)
Broccoli Salad w/Apples & Dried Cherries
Recipe by Shannon
Yield: 4c
2 stalks of broccoli, florets chopped (~3c worth)
1 apple, diced
2-3T dried tart cherries, chopped
1T champagne vinegar (or any other vinegar you like)
zest of 1 lemon
juice of 1/2 lemon
1T whole grain dijon mustard
1-2T mild oil (I use Smart Balance Omega oil)
s/p, to taste
Optional toppings: chopped nuts or seeds
Whisk together dressing (vinegar through oil and light s/p). Add broccoli, apple and cherres, toss to combine. Taste and adjust seasoning. Refrigerate for at least 1 hour to allow flavors to come together. Top with any desired nuts/seeds just before serving.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Men, facades and talking
The fact is that men can be divided into two groups: the men who talk, and the men who mask.
The men who mask form the majority. They are facadists, suppressing the real person behind by creating a false front which the public sees. I know these men exist because they are pretty much impossible for me to talk to, and they contrast so completely with non-facadist men. They could almost be another species.
If you don't like the word 'facade', we can use the word 'cloaked'. Cloaked men hide beneath bulky filler-type stereotype male junk that passes for manliness. That means sports, talking down their intellect, and almost always expressing themselves in cliches.
Not making waves appears to be their only goal.
Men not shackled by the need to stay below the radar - the non-facadists - stand out like the proverbial dogs' balls. I have known a few such gentlemen, and with the perspective of time, wonder why we aren't all like them.
Their defining characteristic is an ability to be themselves, and men, and communicators. They talk, and they listen, and they can synthesize abstracts. These skills almost guarantee success in life.
Just why is it that the majority of guys so easily fall into the role of 'guy' and not 'communicator'?
The men who mask form the majority. They are facadists, suppressing the real person behind by creating a false front which the public sees. I know these men exist because they are pretty much impossible for me to talk to, and they contrast so completely with non-facadist men. They could almost be another species.
If you don't like the word 'facade', we can use the word 'cloaked'. Cloaked men hide beneath bulky filler-type stereotype male junk that passes for manliness. That means sports, talking down their intellect, and almost always expressing themselves in cliches.
Not making waves appears to be their only goal.
Men not shackled by the need to stay below the radar - the non-facadists - stand out like the proverbial dogs' balls. I have known a few such gentlemen, and with the perspective of time, wonder why we aren't all like them.
Their defining characteristic is an ability to be themselves, and men, and communicators. They talk, and they listen, and they can synthesize abstracts. These skills almost guarantee success in life.
Just why is it that the majority of guys so easily fall into the role of 'guy' and not 'communicator'?
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Female Orgasm
A rabbi, a priest and an imam walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Do you guys know the one about the female orgasm?" to which the rabbi replies "Do you mean the oral orgasm, the vaginal intercourse orgasm, the digital orgasm or the anal penetrative orgasm?"
Apparently even religious men are aware that The Big O is something that women achieve in different ways. It's kinda disappointing when squares are hip to the squishy stuff: what can we shock them with next? Perhaps there is nothing, so it might be time to examine what we have in more detail.
For instance, more than 40% of women do not climax from vaginal intercourse. One imagines this is a source of trepidation for some men, specifically those for whom the clitoris is an unknown entity. Fear not, chums, talk to your friendly clitoris owner and ask what she likes. Then practice. You'll be suprised what happiness you can bring.
One problem with the female orgasm I have experienced is having women describe it to me. Observing is one thing, but communicating what's happening inside your head clearly isn't easy.
I thought of flippantly suggesting that women could tell her man the type of automobile that most closely represented her orgasm. This might work because cars are something we guys understand, with great nuance even.
But then I realized that telling a man he'd just given you an '87 Nissan Sentra might not be the best idea - even if you think a high-revving, clutch-slipping, noisy, jack-rabbitting, multi-geared, spring-popping, wave-riding, skidding to a stop orgasm/Nissan is the best thing EVER.
Technorati: Kiss & Blog, Female Orgasm, The Big O, Clitoris.
The bartender says "Do you guys know the one about the female orgasm?" to which the rabbi replies "Do you mean the oral orgasm, the vaginal intercourse orgasm, the digital orgasm or the anal penetrative orgasm?"
Apparently even religious men are aware that The Big O is something that women achieve in different ways. It's kinda disappointing when squares are hip to the squishy stuff: what can we shock them with next? Perhaps there is nothing, so it might be time to examine what we have in more detail.
For instance, more than 40% of women do not climax from vaginal intercourse. One imagines this is a source of trepidation for some men, specifically those for whom the clitoris is an unknown entity. Fear not, chums, talk to your friendly clitoris owner and ask what she likes. Then practice. You'll be suprised what happiness you can bring.
One problem with the female orgasm I have experienced is having women describe it to me. Observing is one thing, but communicating what's happening inside your head clearly isn't easy.
I thought of flippantly suggesting that women could tell her man the type of automobile that most closely represented her orgasm. This might work because cars are something we guys understand, with great nuance even.
But then I realized that telling a man he'd just given you an '87 Nissan Sentra might not be the best idea - even if you think a high-revving, clutch-slipping, noisy, jack-rabbitting, multi-geared, spring-popping, wave-riding, skidding to a stop orgasm/Nissan is the best thing EVER.
Technorati: Kiss & Blog, Female Orgasm, The Big O, Clitoris.
I miss my grill
In celebration of the fourth of July, I bring you the latest adventure with my... "grill".
Back in Philly I was lucky enough to have an apartment with a small backyard. Not long after I moved in, I got an early birthday present--a grill! It didn't stand the test of time, but it got plenty of use :) Now I am sans backyard and relegated to a grill pan. It's worked out well, so I can't complain too much.
Until I tried to make kabobs (kebabs?). In rearranging my freezer, I found the last small piece of pork tenderloin I had bought awhile back. I did a simple marinade (juice and zest of 1 lime and a dash of soy sauce and honey) while I chopped the veggies (an orange pepper and vidalia onion). I also decided to defrost some frozen mango chunks to string along.
Pork & Mango Kabobs
Then I went to put these lovlies on my grill pan. My skewers were long enough that they sat on the edge of the pan... but my meat didn't touch. Oops, guess I need larger chunks! My kabobs quickly became a grilled stir-fry, as I wasn't really interested in tempting my fate with uncooked pork. Served on a bed of leftover rice, this became one delicious meal :) I didn't really have to season much, as the grilling brought out great flavors in the onions and mango that paired well with the lime-flavored pork. Easily adaptable to whatever's in your kitchen or what you're craving, get grilling! (or grill-frying...)
Grilled Pork & Mango Stirfry
Back in Philly I was lucky enough to have an apartment with a small backyard. Not long after I moved in, I got an early birthday present--a grill! It didn't stand the test of time, but it got plenty of use :) Now I am sans backyard and relegated to a grill pan. It's worked out well, so I can't complain too much.
Until I tried to make kabobs (kebabs?). In rearranging my freezer, I found the last small piece of pork tenderloin I had bought awhile back. I did a simple marinade (juice and zest of 1 lime and a dash of soy sauce and honey) while I chopped the veggies (an orange pepper and vidalia onion). I also decided to defrost some frozen mango chunks to string along.
Pork & Mango KabobsThen I went to put these lovlies on my grill pan. My skewers were long enough that they sat on the edge of the pan... but my meat didn't touch. Oops, guess I need larger chunks! My kabobs quickly became a grilled stir-fry, as I wasn't really interested in tempting my fate with uncooked pork. Served on a bed of leftover rice, this became one delicious meal :) I didn't really have to season much, as the grilling brought out great flavors in the onions and mango that paired well with the lime-flavored pork. Easily adaptable to whatever's in your kitchen or what you're craving, get grilling! (or grill-frying...)
Grilled Pork & Mango Stirfry
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